Observations on Stuff like Sex Poodles, Hot Russian Spies, Blankets, and of Course, Sarah Palin

C'mon. Who among us didn't already know Al Gore was a "crazed sex poodle"?

Call me a bad American or call me a total perv-or both-but alleged Russian spy Anna Chapman can have all the classified information she wants from me any day of the week. In fact that smokin' hot redhead can tie me down on a bed and spank it out of me if she wants to. I'll tell you anything you want to hear Anna. Anything!

It's hard to believe more than a year has already passed since we were all shocked and devastated by the sad news that the King of Pop actually named one of his kids "Blanket."

And how could anyone not have been choked up watching Chris Brown break down and sob while singing "Man in the Mirror" at the BET Awards? Yes, there are few things as moving as a girlfriend beater paying tribute to a child molester.

Just about the time I had changed my opinion about Justin Bieber being a useless, little turd with nothing to offer, it turned out the rumors of his mom appearing in an upcoming Playboy pictorial are false. So I guess I'll just have to go back to hating the little bastard.

Within hours of her arrival in South Africa, there were already reports that an alleged sex tape had surfaced showing Paris Hilton blowing a vuvuzela.

Know what we need more of? Really dumb vampire movies starring a bunch of extraordinarily bad, young actors with pretty faces I'd like to smack with a tennis racket.

Larry King says he's leaving his long-running CNN talk show so he can devote more time to family activities. And take it from me, family activities like banging your wife's sister while the little woman is off playing a doubleheader with your son's baseball coach can be extremely time consuming.

Part of the Tiger Woods/Elin Nordegren divorce settlement is that Tiger has to maintain a skank-free environment whenever he has custody of the children, which of course means he will never be able to take his kids to any restaurant in the United States.

If you really give a rat's ass about why that Vienna chick with the big nose dumped that dopey Jake guy from The Bachelor, it's time to reconsider your priorities. It should be "Real Housewife" Danielle Staub's sex tape number one; Jon Gosselin's new tattoo number two; then maybe the whole Vienna/Jake thing.

I have no specifics, but I'm pretty confident that somewhere today Sarah Palin said something stupid to a crowd full of stupid people.