Obsession

It starts small, insignificant in size,
I am feeling down, bored, useless,
This thing, whatever it is, feels good,
It pulls me out of my mood, makes me happy.

It doesn't matter what the thing is,
It could be sex, alcohol, television,
It could be an emotional connection,
It could be success at work or a hobby.

Whatever it is, though, it gets me high,
Brings me out of depression and sadness,
Lifts my spirits, makes me feel whole,
Makes me feel normal, not broken, happy.

But when the thing is gone, no longer there,
No longer drunk, the sex is over,
The emotional connection appears lost,
My mood sinks even lower than it was before.

Getting high feels good, makes me whole,
Without the high, I am broken, depressed,
The solution is to seek out the high, whatever it is,
Get more of it, more often, for a longer time.

This is where my obsession takes over me,
Controls my thoughts and actions, leads me,
I seek out this thing that gets me high,
I become focused and unwavering in my search.

When I get the thing, the connection, the high,
I feel great, my search is rewarded, I am happy,
But when I don't find it or can't have it,
I grow angry and bitter and resentful.

My obsession makes me into someone I am not,
A different person with different thoughts and feelings,
I am out of control, dangerous to myself and others,
Nothing matters but the thing I seek, no one matters either.

God, I surrender my obsession to you, to take from me,
I can't be the man I need to be with this thing controlling me,
I want to learn to love myself and be loved by others too,
I can't let this control me, I won't let this beat me.

I will succeed, I know this to be true,
With God's help, the understanding of others,
And surrender to His will everything that haunts my life,
That I may live up to the man I want and need to be.