Obstacles in Raising an Only Child

Only children get a bad reputation. They are labeled as spoiled or needy and self-centered since they must not have learned differently being the only child in the family. However, as with most labels, it is invariably untrue. Only children can be some of the brightest and sweetest children who grow into well-adjusted adults. There are some obstacles that parents will face raising an only child but the benefits from identifying and overcoming them far outweigh it.

Obstacle #1- Playmates

You will be your child's playmate a good deal of the time. Siblings occupy a good deal of time, as I remember from my childhood, but an only child will only have you to rely on for interaction. You will have to drop your own work often to play with your child.

Get involved in playgroups or other activities. We joined our local zoo and took the education classes for my daughter's age group. It combined her love of animals with interaction with other children. She found a "best" friend in that class.

Be open to preschool or four year old kindergarten. My daughter is very social and having a kindergarten class full of kids her age has been very beneficial.

Obstacle #2- Over involvement

My daughter is quite vocal when my husband and I become too involved in her life. We have already gone through the "mom-please-drop-me-off-in-carpool" argument many times. I have also been reminded that I do not have to go on every field trip with her.

As a parent of an only child, I do not want to miss anything. If she is meant to be the only child I have then I am going to make the most out of it! But then I fail to take into account the independence of my child. Only children tend to be quite self-sufficient and strong willed. Forcing my involvement may have a negative affect on her. Knowing when to step back and when not to is a delicate parenting balance.

When my daughter was barely 20 months old, we ran into a great example of this. My little girl was already showing signs of being a crusader for justice in the church nursery when she would follow the bully around and return all the toys he took from other children and dole out the Cheerios evenly between all the children. So it was no surprise to me one day that while at the playground she confronted yet another bully. At the top of the toddler slide was a boy of about 4 or 5 years of age who was forcing all the babies back and being quite nasty to them. My tiny toddler crawled up there stood tall and the boy started forcing her back. She took a solid stance and screamed "no!!" very loudly. At this point, I was on my feet, mother bear tendencies at the ready. The boy, however, was startled but tried to recover and prevent her from using the slide. Again, she shrieked "no!" and he gave up and let her pass. She had a big smile on her face as she slid down the slide. A smile that said she not only enjoyed the slide but overcoming a bully. She led her small, bullied toddler troop back up the slide and the boy beat a hasty retreat.

It was then that I realized I was going to have to stand back sometimes and even though it was hard, the benefits for her were far better than if I had interrupted. The urge to "rescue" our child will be very strong but there will be times we have to step back to allow them to grow.

Obstacle #3- Chores and Responsibilities

Another area you cannot neglect with your only child is building responsibility. Only children tend to mature faster since they are usually around adults. Instill in them early the need to accomplish their own set of chores.

I usually find that things go faster and easier if I just clear the table myself or load and unload the dishwasher on my own. But I am not teaching my child anything other than she will be waited on all her life.

Ever since she was two years old, our daughter has helped out in some way. Even if it was putting toys away, she was responsible for something. For a long time we used a chore chart with stickers and that seemed to give her a good visual of what she needed to do and had accomplished.

There is so much more one could discuss about parenting an only child but these are the biggest areas of concern. If one can find the balance of time to play with his or her child, involvement in the child's life and teaching responsibility, one will have a well-adjusted child.

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." -John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983