Ode to M******

What I present here is a little Ode that I wrote after spending several hours talking to an offender over the phone He has spent most of his life in institutions and is now in this late 30's serving time for murdering one of his girlfriends. I say one cos he had a pattern of always having several girlfriends at the same time. He treated all of them very badly. Many of them he had previously abandoned in near death states. It was only a matter of time before he went all the way and killed one.

Let me digress a little first;
There are some people in prison who may have only offended once in their lives and are doing long terms - whereas there are others who are 'very naughty' - who if caught and charged for everything they ever did would be serving terms of around 2,000 years.
This fellah is what I call one of those 'very naughty boys'. With women he was charming, charismatic, handsome, intelligent and very sexy. His pattern was that he always had multiple women on the go. The alibi he used was another of his girlfriends who he persuaded to lie on his behalf even.

I wrote this 'poem' a long way back after he had rang me and we chatted for a while. He was looking for one of his girlfriends at the time.
It gives a bit of insight into his way of thinking;

DESPERATION

I need her to hear me,
I need to know where she is,
I can't eat, sleep or think of anything else -
This desire is tearing at my very core,

Why won't she listen?
Why won't she talk to me?
Why won't she just love me?
Why is she doing this to me?

She's wrecking my life,
She is sending me crazy,
I feel like I will die soon,
Why doesn't she just know? Just know.

I need her to hear me - I've rung one hundred times and she won't answer,
I need to know where she is - I've driven past her house and called her family and friends a thousand times,
I can't eat, sleep or think of anything else - she must know what she is doing to me then why is she so cruel like this,
This desire is tearing at my very core - I keep pleading with her and I must somehow get to let her know how much she means to me.
She is my very life.

She's wrecking my life - and she knows it,
She is sending me crazy - and she knows that too,
I feel like I will die soon - surely she knows this,
Why doesn't she just know? Just know.

I need her to hear me - and I've rang her and she won't answer anymore and she thinks I am stalking her,
I need to know where she is - I've watched her place, rang her friends - she won't let me in and she is threatening to get a restraining order.
I can't eat, sleep or think of anything else - if she doesn't love me then she must love someone else and she says she is scared of me.
This desire is tearing at my very core - why won't it just go away.

Why won't she listen - cos she's her own person and she doesn't have to?
Why won't she talk to me - cos she's her own person and she doesn't have to?
Why won't she just love me - cos I can't make her?
Why is she doing this to me - You are doing it to yourself.

You cannot own her,
She cannot own you,
You cannot make her do anything except if you use violence.
She cannot make you do anything except by violence.

Why do I have to force her to love me then?
Why do I have to act this way?
Cos I'm running.

I'm running very fast.
And if I wasn't running so hard from myself - she could love me.
If I wasn't being so violent towards myself - she could love me.
If only I could love me then she could too.
If she doesn't love me then she must love someone else.
She loves your shadow.
If only I could love me then I know she could too.