Of White Elephants and Other Gifting Dilemmas

We've all received those gifts - you know the ones. The gifts you stare at, dumbstruck, while the well-meaning gift giver smiles at you hopefully, or even smugly. "You do like it, don't you?" she may ask. Or, even worse, "As soon as I saw it, I thought of you." And as much as you want to say, "Um, no, I don't," or demand to know "Why?!?", you're too polite to protest. And so you take it home and you put it in the closet, underneath the sequined sweater-vest the same person gave you last year, or on the highest shelf you can find, behind the collectible salt shaker your beloved grandmother gave your brother, which he then gave to you as a house-warming present. And you make plans for the day you'll be able to "lose" it in a move, or re-gift it to some unfortunate innocent, who'll stare it at blankly, the way you just did, and wonder how he can get rid of without hurting your feelings. And you vow that you will never, never buy such an inappropriate gift for anyone as the one you just received.

How to avoid it, though? Especially during the busy holiday season, when every week brings an office party, a white elephant exchange, or another opportunity to buy gifts for people you hardly know, or don't know at all.

"We're having an office party - bring a wrapped present, and we'll distribute them randomly after dinner." (But I don't know anyone outside my department! And even if I did - what I'd buy for Marilyn isn't at all what I'd buy for Jonathan.)
"Hey, we've decided to do a white elephant party this year - the women will all bring presents for the other women, and the guys will bring presents for the other guys, and if you hate what you got, you can exchange it for something someone else received!" (Most of the women coming to this party go in for expensive manicures and lots of makeup, and I own one bottle of dried-out nail polish and a single lipstick I can't find. Not only do I not know what to get for any of them - I don't think I want something any one of them would buy for me!)

"Thank you all so much for volunteering to help serve a holiday meal to the homeless. As an icebreaker, we'd like everyone to bring a small gift, and we'll put everyone's name in a hat, and draw them out in pairs. You'll exchange gifts with the person whose name is paired with yours, and then you'll have a few minutes to talk to them before introducing them to the group." (I signed up for this after seeing a posting on the cork board at the grocery store - I've never met a single one of these people, can't imagine what any of them might like, and on top of it, you want me to introduce one of them to the group? Possibly after giving him a gift that he hates? Or receiving a gift that I hate?)

The key, as buying any other type of gift, is to really think about the person you're buying it for. I realize how difficult that can be, even when it's someone you know well, but even if it's someone you've never met, you can at least pick up some clues from the type of party you're attending and what you know about the people who may be there.

For example, if the party is work-related, you'll need to avoid buying gifts which are obviously inappropriate in a work setting. This means nothing overtly sexual, nothing containing obscene language, and, most likely, nothing alcoholic. This narrows the field of available gifts, but in this context, that's probably a good thing. Next, think about the sort of people who tend to work for your company. If you work at a software company, for instance, it's a good bet that many of the people you work with are technically-oriented. You might consider browsing a website such as Think Geek (www.thinkgeek.com), which has a wide selection of gifts for geeks, for gift ideas. (I love Thinking Putty, which is a sort of grown-up version of Silly Putty.) If your coworkers can't be so easily categorized, then look for gifts which are flexible enough to appeal to a wide range of people. For instance, you might buy a brightly-colored coffee mug and pair it with a gift certificate to the nearest independently-owned coffee shop. (Avoiding an image or logo will help ensure that the mug doesn't offend the senses of the recipient, and if you can find a local coffee shop, you don't have to worry that the recipient has boycotted one of the national chains.)

At a white elephant party, you have more room to play. Typically, white elephant gifts are expected to be useless, obnoxious, and possibly even offensive. (And often, there are numerous exchanges after the first gift exchange, as people attempt to swap, borrow or even steal gifts received by other people.) This might just be the perfect time to re-gift that horrible salt shaker, or to indulge yourself in buying something so trashy, it'll be remembered for years to come. Alternatively, you could attempt to find a gift which will stand out from the crowd - something the recipient will really love, even if you don't know who'll end up with it. Obviously, the gift you buy for this sort of gathering will depend very much on your circle of friends. I might buy bad pornography for one set of friends, cut-glass candle holders for another, and a bottle of good whiskey for a third. If you're stuck, try buying a gift for just one person you know will be attending - white elephant parties being what they are, there's a good chance that person will end up with it by the end of the night. And if you find yourself in a position of buying gifts for someone whose interests you know are very different than yours (as in the example above), don't be afraid to ask for help, either from another friend or from a salesperson. ("I have to buy a white elephant gift for a group of women who love makeup, and I don't wear it. Can you help me?")

In the event that you have to buy a gift for someone you truly don't know - or have never met - you have a few options that may help you find something they'll love, or at least won't hate. Consider the context in which you're meeting them for the first time. In the example above, of the volunteers for the homeless, you know that that this person is interested in helping other people. Rather than try to find a material item which will suit them, then, you might look for gift which helps someone else. Many charity-focused websites offer gifts that aid people in developing countries or disaster areas. The Hunger Site, for instance (www.thehungersite.com) allows you to purchase such diverse items as school uniforms for girls in rural Africa, vaccinations for camels, or small business loans for survivors of Hurricane Katrina.

Buying gifts for people you know is hard enough. Buying gifts for people you don't know, or trying to buy one gift suitable for more that one person, can seem impossible. But with a little creativity, and considering the circumstances in which the gift will be given, you can earn a reputation as a good gift-giver, and maybe even rid yourself of that sequined sweater-vest taking up space in your closet.