"Office Space" Revisited: Tips for Getting Fired by a Fortune 500 Company

Just as there are some definite ways to get hired by a Fortune 500 company, there are also some surefire ways to get fired by a Fortune 500 company. I spent over ten years working for two Fortune 500 companies and with today's litigious society, fears of getting sued often keep Fortune 500 companies from firing deserving individuals. However, every once in a while, even Fortune 500 companies determine that they have had enough and decide to terminate the employment of one of their workers. You'll have to work hard to do it (think of the movie "Office Space"), but if you need help, here are some tips for getting fired by a Fortune 500 company.

First, don't show up for work. This is a no-brainer, right? If you don't come to work, then you'll get fired. Well, when working for a Fortune 500 company, you may actually be able to get away with some "Office Space" type behavior and still keep your job. I've seen folks with absence levels above 20% who have been able to maintain their employment with Fortune 500 companies for years (and yes, like our hero in "Office Space," they can get promoted too). If you get the wrong boss - like Lumbergh in "Office Space"- then you can get yourself fired by a Fortune 500 company.

Next, spend hours roaming the halls for coffee. Now, we all have our down days where we need extra coffee, so standard coffee searches don't apply. If you want to get fired by a Fortune 500 company, then you'll need to spend at least 6 hours out of each 8 hour workday wandering the halls in search of coffee. However, doing this for a week or even a month won't get you fired from a Fortune 500 company - that probably won't even get you a poor performance review. In order to get fired from a Fortune 500 company, you'll need to keep this up for at least five to ten years (hanging up on customers on top of roaming the halls could help you to get fired in three years if you're looking to speed up the process).

Finally, bother your coworkers. You'll need to do a better job than Milton in "Office Space," as pests can make it through Fortune 500 companies for thirty years with no problems. If you want to get fired from a Fortune 500 company, you'll need to actually harass your coworkers for several years. They will actually need to report this behavior and have at least five witnesses in order for you to actually be fired.

My time at the aforementioned Fortune 500 companies often felt more like the movie "Office Space" than I would care to admit, probably because the above examples are all true. Yes, it's tough to get hired by a Fortune 500 company, but even tougher to get fired, as Corporate America is a lot closer to the "Office Space" world than anyone would like to admit.