Oh, What the Hell - It's a Christmas Survey. Maybe by Filling it Out I Won't Be Called Scrooge This Year

Welcome to the "Christmas Edition" of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy this entire email and paste into a new blank e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. It's the season to be cheerful!!!

Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Whatever pretty-paper products I can dig up from underneath the closet from the gifts I received over the last decade. Tis' the season to recycle - as long as it fits the size of the gift, why not reuse the wrapping paper or gift bag? Imagine the looks on peoples faces when seeing their wrapping paper from 5 years ago was reused - that's priceless and the best things in life are free.

Tree--Real or Artificial?
I think people ask me this same question every day about my chest, my eye color and bank statements - real or artificial?

When do you put your Christmas tree up?
I never put my own tree up but always get volunteered by other people to put up their trees.

When do you take the tree down?
When I sneak a stray alley cat into the Christmas parties and let it run lose.

Like eggnog?
This is the worst thing to drink for anyone who is concerned about high cholesterol, heart disease, high blood pressure and hormone induced chickens that are chained to the cage.

Do you have a nativity scene?
Are people still buying into the whole Jesus was born in a manger farce? This is a sure-fire way to justify being broke but where is the little drummer boy when you're sleeping on a park bench? Oh, wait, he IS there - on the corner outside the subway station banging on the plastic buckets with his drumsticks.

Favorite gift received as a child?
Just knowing that I was loved was a good enough gift no matter how much of an inconvenience I may have been as a child.

Hardest person to buy for?
This is the best excuse for saving money and getting out of faking the whole "holiday spirit" - just give them a 99 cent card filled with lines of how much that person is so hard to buy for, that you looked all over the internet, shopped up and down the mall for days on end and couldn't find them anything, didn't get them anything because you ran out of time but isn't it the thought that counts?

Easiest person to buy for?
Thank goodness for re-gifting - this is the person who will certainly appreciate all of your effort in re-wrapping the presents you get that you don't like and dumping it off on them.

Worst Christmas gift?
The round tin filled with butter cookies - it is an obvious message that the person giving you this wishes that you will get a coronary heart attack and drop dead immediately.

Mail or email a Christmas card?
Mailing is still the most effective way to generate a positive response from people - so Christmas is the best time to send a lawsuit, restraining order or bill for payment of back gambling debts.

Favorite Christmas movie?
Must I sit through another one filled with propaganda aimed at massive retail consumption?

When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Only when I finally realize there is absolutely no way of getting out of visiting so-and-so.

Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Reuse. Reduce. Recycle. Whether it's wrapping paper, presents or bones given to the dog.

Favorite food to eat on Christmas?
I hate eating - it's only necessary to sustain the organism - so I don't have a favorite food on any day of the year.

Clear or colored tree lights?
I think Acid and other psychedelic drugs went out in the 1960s.

Favorite Christmas Song?
The only Christmas Song worthy of any merit is John Lennon's - there is no shopping commercials, bogus Santa Clauses or fantasyland for sale in the lyrics.

Travel during Christmas or Stay home?
Stay home - this is the only day out of the year that telemarketers and bill collectors don't call.

Can you name Santa's reindeer's?
What special information I have been privy to and now I will be so kind to share it with you! Many people don't know that Santa's reindeer is named "Bob Tail." How do I know? Because I could not get the punch line of this joke so it was told to me over and over again at a stupid Christmas party. The joke is: "What is Santa's Reindeer's name?" The answer is from the stupid song: "Bells on Bob Tail rings, making spirits bright, oh what fun it is to ride...etc. etc." Try sitting through a bunch of drunk people telling this joke for hours on end when you have important things to do such as making sure that your Christmas donation REALLY went to an organization that helps the children in an orphanage and not a terrorist training camp in disguise.

Angel or Star on Treetop?
Apparently, I am both Angel and Star when it comes to my lover/husband.

Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning?
As soon as I get them - this way there is time to re-wrap and re-gift before Christmas.

Most annoying thing about this time of year?
The most annoying thing is to realize that a person's "spirit" is measured by the amount of money they spend on gifts. Bah Humbug - why should I go into debt for you?