Oh Java!

Oh Java!So You Want to Open a Coffee House?For any barista (a trained espresso bartender specializing in coffee), who may be contemplating opening an establishment that revolves around the world of coffee, this is for YOU!

If you are looking for the perfect "coffee table" book, you have found it. Sit down, relax with your favorite Cuppa Joe, and enjoy reading about the people who will inevitably venture into your java emporium. There will be those regulars who you love and those who drive you to string yourself out on demitasse after demitasse of high-test speedballs a.k.a. espresso.

Oh Java! will have you exploring situations that you never thought would happen to someone who was just trying to make their cafe-loving customers day a little brighter.

Don't forget to take the all-important quizzes at the end of each section to see if you have what it takes to survive a day-in-the-life of a barista (let alone the owner of the shop).

And now, welcome to the land that Juan Valdez never dreamed of ... Oh Java!

Chapter 1

Time to make the ... JAVA

It's 6:30 am and you have exactly thirty minutes to get the shop set up for customers. There are two of you so this shouldn't be a problem right? Of course not. Well there won't be a problem if everything goes according to your well thought out plan. However, as we all know things never go "according to plan". Ask Murphy, he'll tell you. After all, that is what his law is based on.

Now, it would be one thing if your establishment just served the old proverbial "coffee and donuts". But as you've chosen to make your presence know with a fancy upscale espresso and wine bar (for the after 12 noon customers), which also serves assorted bakery items, sandwiches, soups, salads and various cold drinks, you are setting yourself up for all sorts of interesting events.

Most of the ones we will relate here are from a coffee house in Massachusetts. Also note, wherever you see the *, the names have been changed to protect the guilty or the innocent ... Whichever.

Take the following for example. While one of your employees is making the standard house and dark roast blends on one machine, another is in the kitchen retrieving the bags of bagels (five different kinds no less) from behind a container of chili that someone (from the night before) had precariously placed in front of them. CRASH! BANG! SPLAT! The metal container of chili jumps out of the refrigerator (on its own of course) does a double-twist somersault and lands right side up on the floor, but not before the cover takes off in its own direction.

This of course leaves the chili to escape and surrender itself on the clean tile, the employee's shoes and pants, not to mention three-quarters of her shirt. She goes out to get some assistance from the first employee, so that she can change into another uniform, which seems simple enough. However, while employee number one attempts to accomplish this task, the coffee machine decides to take this opportunity to rebel and not only fill the urn in its care, but generously overflow it and continue running so that the coffee eventually makes it to the floor. Now, with suicidal chili in one room and a river of muddy waters in the other, the employees are going mental and the first customer hasn't even walked through the front door yet.

When the customers do start filing in, chances are the same ones make it in every day in the following order:

Likely Page Break

• Vanilla Latte with whole milk
• Wheat bagel toasted and left plain with a medium decaf skinny latte
• Iced Chai Latte with soy milk
• Caramel Latte with whole milk, whipped cream and more caramel drizzled on top
• Earl Grey Tea and a bacon/sausage/cheese on an English muffin
• Extra dry cappuccino and a bagel with cream cheese
• One Low-fat Blueberry Muffin (which we don't carry anymore but the receipts print it up this way so ... Mind-over-matter, it is low fat.) and a small regular coffee

Thankfully, the handsome young gentleman (from the Italian restaurant next door) who comes in everyday and orders the muffin obliged us with to-go lids one morning when we opened to find that we had all of eleven left in the entire establishment. Interestingly enough, the poor man didn't even have time to emerge from his vehicle, before one of us pounced on him with the request.

One cannot forget the Frank* Special (actual button on the cash register) which takes ten minutes to make (ok slight exaggeration) - toasted ciabatta (literally, carpet slipper in Italian) bread spread with humus, lettuce, tomato, jalapeno peppers,

Chapter 2

Location, Location, Location

One should always take into consideration the area where you would like to open your establishment. You will want to make sure you have ample parking of course. However, contemplate who your neighbors are as well. For you never know when they may pay a visit to your door. Such an incident occurred when we first opened in a nice location with plenty of parking in the front (as we were one of the first in the plaza to open) and beautiful, serene woods in the back.

A quick break to enjoy the smell of the pine via the back door - open the door and a visiting wild turkey was waiting on the other side. Scared ... Close door and wait 5 minutes for it to hopefully go away. Open door again and he is still there along with three of his friends.

Storage space is also an important factor. For instance ... Having ample space for delivery trucks and the contents thereof -

Case in point: Delivery of needed coffee cups - freight truck arrives with 400 hundred cases of them - driver leaves them all in the alleyway for manager to do drag into the establishment herself - At first had a place attached to coffee room but the landlord needed the space for a new business - where to put them? Neighbor across the street had space not using - borrow house, garage, shed and daughter's separate bedroom along with one of the employee's basement to store them all.

Another rooming factor is the size of your coffee house. Keep in mind that you never know when, say for instance, MTV will decide to make an unexpected visit to film a special - (they call, "We'll be there in 20 minutes.") - and you have a packed house already!!!!

Speaking of TV and Hollywood, we had a few interesting star look-alikes, while I was working there -

Jude Law (Hollywood actor)

Naveen Andrews (Hollywood/Bollywood actor)****
I could have sworn it was him. When I mentioned it to him he said, "I don't know who he is but I must Google him as you are the second person that has told me this. OK, he was Indian but he didn't sound like him - neither as Syed on 'LOST' nor his normal British accent either. However, when he was leaving he started to put his plate in the dish bin, then turned around and walked over to the counter where I was standing with my boss, put the plate on the counter and gave me that "ultimate Naveen look", (all you girls out there know what look I mean) smiled subtly and casually walked out the door. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

All this craziness reminds me of a song. You may have heard it before. If you have, feel free to sing it along with me. I call it 'LIVIN' LA JAVA LOCA'.

Sung to the tune of the popular Ricky Martin song 'Livin' La Vida Loca'

They're into cappuccinos, black coffee and soy lattes.
I feel a premonition that java's gonna wake me up.
They're into new sensations, new drinks in the candle light.
They've got a hundred flavors for every day and night.

It'll wake your mind up so you can go dancing in the rain.
It'll make you live a crazy life but it'll take away your pain like a rush of caffeine to your brain. Come On!

[CHORUS:]
Upside, inside out we're livin la java loca
It'll push and pull you up, livin la java loca
It's taste is espresso black and the liquid's the color mocha
It'll will get you going, livin la java loca Come On!

Livin la java loca, Come on!
We're livin la java loca.

Likely Page BreakWoke up in a small Massachusetts city in a funky coffee house
The shot went straight to my head, it was well worth the bucks.
They must've slipped me a speedball.
You'll never drink the water but you'll order Café Au Lait
Once you've had a taste of it you'll never be the same
Oh, Java! It'll always make you take the bait.

[CHORUS]

It'll wake your mind up so you can go dancing in the rain.
It'll make you live a crazy life, but it'll take away your pain
like a rush of caffeine to your brain. Come On!

[CHORUS]

Speaking of musicians (don't you just love the segways?), your coffee house wouldn't be complete without entertainment, now would it? Well ... That depends on the type of entertainment you allow or promote or ... In other words, things can go awry when the musicians perform unplugged or rather when they should be unplugged.

Here are a few stories that will explain just what we mean.

Open Mike
This privilege doesn't mean one can come in at any time of the day and harass the customers with their "music". - Solution ... After several attempts to reason with the guitar man to no avail - what else can be done but to call the police.

Joining the band
What do you do when someone who thinks he should be the entertainment begins trying to play along with the scheduled musicians? Better yet, he is so talented that when he is not welcomed into the band, he tries to play over them!

Lock Up the Piano
Man comes in and starts giving lessons to a student on the piano - when the owner goes over and tells him he cannot do this he says, "But this piano is better than the one I have in the studio." The owner replies, "Sorry but not possible to give lessons here." That same afternoon owner gets email from man complaining that "one of her employees refused to let him give lessons to his student on the piano." Result ... Lock up the piano! (maybe they should have locked up the piano man)

It Takes Two to Tango
Lovely woman in full Tango costume (including feather hat) hosts the Tango Brunch on Sundays. She even comes in early (way to early since we just started serving breakfast) to move the tables out of the way so we can conduct the Tango class.

I've Got A Cat Song
This little ditty was created and sung every morning by one of the employees who had the early morning shift. Still haven't figured out why, as she didn't even have a cat.

And let's not forget our featured artisans -

Abstract/Modern Painter all self-portraits - most arrogant man alive

What about the customers, surely you can't forget about them, as they will be your bread and butter, so to speak. Just be aware that you will have 'Close Encounter(s) of the Interesting Kind'.

The Agatha Extravaganza
A bus load of loud people (15-20) come 10 minutes before closing every Monday and want to order everything on the menu board.

The Irate Customer
Having a problem with the free WI-FI? Don't ask the employees if they can take 20 seconds to reset it ... NOOOOOOOO, that would be too easy and painless. Instead, let's dump our coffee on the floor and demand a refund for falsely advertising that you offer FREE internet at ALLTimes. Because that makes so much more sense!?

So these are just an inkling of situations you can expect if you so choose to still go ahead with your plans to open a nut house, oops I mean bean - coffee bean house. And if this hasn't deterred you in any way - then ...

Tune in next time - same time, same java channel for 'Espresso Machines Gone Wild', 'Feng Shui', 'Napping on the Couch', 'Locked Out' and more, when Oh Java! returns.