Oh the Moronic Calls: It's Not the Computer It's You

With the amount of calls I have to write about you'd think I was working at ABC internet support for years as opposed to just two months.

Call 6: What do you expect me to do about it?

Me: ABC Computer Internet help desk, can I have your phone number starting with area code ...(verify information)... So, what can I do for you today?

Customer: I have a problem.

Me: I suspected as much. If you didn't have a problem you probably wouldn't be calling me.

Customer: True.

Me: So how can I help?

Customer: Well, I just got my bank statement today and there is a $29 charge on there from XYZ internet services.

Me: Okay, I'm with you so far.

Customer: Well, my problem is I do not have XYZ internet services because I have ABC internet service.

Me: I'm still with you.

Customer: So what are you going to do about it?

Me: Well what I'm going to do is suggest that you do two things: First, contact XYZ internet and talk to their billing department so you can find out why they billed you. Second, I'll want you to contact your bank if you need to deal with this charge.

Customer: Okay.

Me: So, if you'd like I can find you a phone number for XYZ internet.

Customer: Okay I guess. So there is nothing you can actually do about this.

Me: No ma'am. I have no control over what other companies and your bank do with your money.

Call 7: You don't see the connection, do you?

Me: ABC Computer Internet help desk, can I have your phone number starting with area code ...(verify information)... So, what can I do for you today?

Customer: The internet is running really slow.

Me: Okay, how slow are we talking?

Customer: Really, really slow. It's barely worth while it's so slow.

Me: Alright, we'll I've got a few things we can try. Do you know where your web browser's cache is?

Customer: My what now?

Me: Okay, I'll talk you through it.

I helped customer clear out their cache, reset some settings, update their anti-virus and more.

Me: Alright, let's restart your machine now.

Customer: Okay, it will take a while though.

Me: That's fine. I get paid by the hour. Wait two or three minutes... So is the computer restarted yet?

Customer: No, it's still shutting down. It's pretty old and slow.

Me: Okay, well why don't you tell me when it is finally done restarting.

Five minutes later

Customer: Okay, it's done.

Me: So the computer restarted and everything is done loading?

Customer: Oh, no. Things are still loading but the computer is done restarting.

Me: Well, tell me when things are done restarting.

Five more minutes later

Customer: Alright, I think it's done now.

Me: Alright, so let me get this straight. From shutting down to being done fully starting up it took 13 minutes. Is that correct?

Customer: Yes, I told you it was slow.

Me: So your computer is really old and really, really slow. Is that correct?

Customer: That's right.

Me: So explain to me what makes you think the internet will be blazing fast when everything else on your machine is so painfully slow?

Customer: I don't know, you tell me.

Me: I'm trying to but it isn't easy.