Oh, Woe is Me!

I've got the gloomies. The ickies. I'm down in the dumps. Blah. Depressed. I think I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). And it totally bums me out.

What really gets me going is how it affects every aspect of my life.

I snap at my kids more. Unwarranted. And then feel bad until I apologize. Which pisses me off.

I smile less at work. People notice. It pisses me off.

I begin to tolerate my husband. Which is bad. He's my man, and I should want to be around him, not put up with him. Knowing I do this pisses me off.

I cry more. Over the stupidest things. I cry remembering events in my life. Imagining things that might happen. Reading the paper. Hallmark movies. An occasional commercial, which really pisses me off.

I eat more. A lot more. OK, this part I kind of enjoy, but it wreaks havoc with my waistline, and then I have to go buy jeans the next size up. Which pisses me off.

I am much more pessimistic. Why bother writing an article? I'm never going to make it big. And that movie I watched the other night? There were parts that were very similar to parts of my book. See? I'm not even original! More than just pissing me off, this scares and depresses me.

I am easily dissatisfied with everyone and everything. Basically, it all pisses me off.

I sound awful, don't I? You're feeling sorry for all the people who have to be around me, right? Here they are, minding their own business, when WHAM-O!, They're confronted with some pissed off lady they didn't have anything to do with pissing off!

To be honest, most of the time, people don't have any idea I'm pissed. This is because most of the time, I'm mad at myself. It isn't people, places and things that upset me. It's my reaction to my environment.

When I snap at the kids, I get upset with myself for not having more patience.

When I smile less and people notice, I get frustrated because I want to project a happy, professional manner. I don't want to get caught with my proverbial pants down.

I truly love my husband. Why would I have to tolerate him? Because I start to nitpick. I forget that he puts up with my flaws just as much as I put up with his. I hate being a hypocrite, and I get really angry with myself when I behave like one.

Crying is a good release, but I've learned over the years that a good many people see it as a sign of weakness. If I cry in public, I feel positively mortified. And I cry when I'm sad, angry, frustrated. It doesn't mean I can't handle a situation rationally, it just means I'm feeling very strong emotion. It really ticks me off when I cry over something as inane as a commercial. I forget that it's not the commercial that causes the emotions, the emotions are already there and just looking for an excuse to bubble up to the surface.

What's next...ah, eating too much! I think I already explained that one. After all, how many women do you know that WANT to gain weight?

The pessimism really bothers me. Sometimes, I have a really hard time pulling out of this one. I have different affirmations I tell myself, and I logically know that some of my negativity simply isn't true. I am a reasonable, intelligent, sane woman much of the time. I just go completely off my mental rocker occasionally. I visit Bipolar Land a couple times a year and ride the roller coaster for a while.

I am easily dissatisfied. For instance, I'm pretty sure this article is crap, and it won't make a difference to anyone except me. And it only makes a difference because I've written it.

That's what really counts, though, isn't it? Here I am, feeling mired in my imaginary woes, and I'm using it instead of letting it use me. I'm pushing forward. I'm producing. I'm still getting up in the morning and going to work. I'm still making dinner for my family. I'm still maintaining my sense of humor. I'm still living. And I'm still learning to not beat myself up so much, and to give myself a little credit for the good things I do. I think I'll get there eventually.

What d'ya know... I feel better already!