Ok I Admit it, James Cameron's Avatar 3-D is a Cinematic Masterpiece

So I found out yesterday that James Cameron passed his 1997 film Titanic as the highest grossing film ever with Avatar. I groaned and with a heavy sigh I called out to my girlfriend, "James Cameron just passed himself on the top grossing film list...you want to go see Avatar?" She was silent for a few moments and then from the other end of the house I hear, "I'll see it...if you want to see it." This tug of war of who wants to admit they want to see it went on for a bit until we reached détente and went to the film.

I was skeptical of Avatar and its blue cat people, okay I was hostile towards the entire idea of the movie. Blue cat Indians get their land stolen from them by humans, but then a human becomes one of them, and then becomes their leader and saves the day. The internet is full of accounts of the films racism and tired overused story. Now that it's the top grossing film I figured I had to at least see it so I could judge form myself. I don't want to spend the rest of my life listen to people tell me I should have seen it in 3-D. My girlfriend and I went to Fairfax Corners Cinema Delux because it shows the film in 3-D and has a bar.

Sitting in Chatter's we mulled over in silence what we were doing. I couldn't help but think about the Avatar fans talking about how they'll never know happiness because they'll never live in Pandora. I've tried to stay positive and even pumped myself up to enjoy an awesome film, but now I'm starting to get cold feet. Even when people asked what we were seeing we timidly said Avatar and hoped they wouldn't make fun of us.

Here is my account of seeing the film Avatar in 3-D.

*****Spoiler alert******

I put on my 3-D glasses and prepare myself for whatever it is I am about to see. It looks astounding, alright, that's cool. I'm happy the movie looks cool. It's moving quickly, they got to the planet pretty fast. Badass McScarface (Colonel Miles Quaritch) is chief of security and I'm guessing he's good at his job. It's got JP from Grandma's Boy I'm glad he's getting work. Everything is great until he wakes up as a cat person...this is stupid. He's wiggling his ears and has a stupid expression on his face. Oh god, I'm in a film made for furries. Damn it I've been had.

Okay he's walking through the woods as a cat person and is dicking around with some plants. He runs afoul of some monsters and stands his ground. Holy shit...

HOLY SHIT PANTHER MONSTER!

Run Jake, RUN! PANTHER MONSTER is going to fucking eat you. Shoot it in the face, aim for the face. He made it and now a female cat person is going to shoot him with an arrow, but a sky jellyfish made out of feathers dances on the tip of her arrow and she thinks better of it and unstrings her bow.

I went to the bathroom after this so I have no idea what happened. I come back and they are both fighting monsters. She's all sad about it. Then they jelly fish of light and feathers cover him and show that the tree god or whatever is totally cool with this guy. Neytiri is her name and she takes Jake to meet her folks who also run the place. They're totally pumped they sent a warrior (From the Jarhead Clan no less) this time and opt to teach him their ways.

Three months clip by moving between the human world and then the Na'vi world. Jake reports to General Hardass Clawface (Colonel Miles Quaritch) and Douch McTie (Parker Selfridge) about how to get the Na'vi to move so they can get this shiny rock under their home called unobtainium. The rappers back on earth love it. Jake learns their ways and is totally crushing on Neytiri. If he can get them the data they need then they will pay to get his legs working again because their busted.

He learns their ways in three months and after everything he's gone native and probably won't be very helpful. Finally he gets a flying monster to ride after choking it out. Joyriding on their flying monsters they are attacked by Toruk the king of the motherfucking sky. I'm talking he's bad, like mad bad. Neytiri says that the most gangster guys in history have claimed a Toruk as their personal flying dragon. What, no way Neytiri, that's crazy. Really? Can I see them?

Side note: I'm really excited.

At this point I broke myself. I leaned forward and felt a sharp burning pain from my ribs to my groin. I had to pee. Oh, did I have to pee. I slosh out to the bathroom and relieve myself and rush back to the film. I was so into the movie that I didn't even notice that I was drowning my organs. My stomach still kind of hurts.

I get back to see Jake and some scientists explaining that the real wealth of the Na'vi is not some shiny rock, but their organic network they can connect to and spread information, an organic hive mind that stores all information, fantastic discoveries, etc. The Company guy and the security guy think their smoking something because it all sounds like gibberish to them and not nearly as valuable as the shiny rock they're supposed to mine. This was some realistic looking imperialism right here. They don't know or care what you're talking about they're just supposed to get this thing out of the ground. They aren't evil, just stupid and short sighted.

Oh I forgot that Jake totally banged Neytiri under the Tree-o-wisdom that connects them to their god Eywa.

Shit hit's the fan the next morning after boning and the bulldozers come to claim the flyest rock in the galaxy. Skipping ahead...The Na'vi are attacked and they get their asses kicked and retreat to the woods. Jake is left behind in the retreat because he's a traitor to them. He needs to think of a way to help the Na'vi so he goes balls to the wall and jumps Toruk, king of all that he sees. The Na'vi are hiding under the Tree-o-wisdom waiting for the hammer to fall from the skypeople. Jake shows up riding a fucking DRAGON. Oh man is this getting good. They flip because only the hardest cat person can claim a dragon.

Think of it this way: If everything has gone to hell and Jesus showed up we'd all be like, "Damn its Jesus I guess we'd better follow him, he's has returned to save us, blah blah blah." Now if Jesus returned riding a fucking dragon you know what people would say, "HOLY SHIT! Jesus is back and he's riding a fucking dragon. I shit you not a big red dragon. Not only are we safe we're fucking everyone up."

Tables, people, have turned.

The skypeople are coming to blow everything up, but Dragonmaster Jake ain't having it. He unites all the tries of cat people by showing them his dragon. They agree this dude is totally the real deal and we should listen to him because he's riding, and I cannot stress this enough, A GODDAMNED DRAGON! Jake asks Eywa to shave a few points off the spread in this upcoming battle with the skypeople. Neytiri says god doesn't pick sides, but I'm not convinced.

Skypeople come, epic fight happens, but then when everything is about to suck guess who backs them up? Have you guessed? Eywa! I say, "Yeah," under my breath. You know Gods only back winners.

You're gonna pay what you owe skypeople, you gonna pay what you owe.

All the crazy sick monsters that have been trying to kill everyone this entire film show up and start wrecking skypeople. PANTER MONSTERS (All caps is the only correct spelling for this.) ending lives right and left with Sky monsters just slamming planes to the ground. I didn't even tell you that this all takes place on flying islands did I, well it does and it's really really cool.

GO BLUE CAT PEOPLE I shout from the depths of my very soul. Send those motherless skypeople packing! They do because I asked nicely and Jake becomes a Blue Cat Person the end.

Thank you Mr. Cameron I'm sorry I talked so much shit about you. I will see this movie again. My girlfriend and I rode home breaking down the subtext of the film sharing our thoughts in a concise and constructive manner. I believe our thesis was, "JAKESULLY RODE A FUCKING DRAGON and anyone who hates this film should be drove into the center of town and burned for heresy!"

I tried, I tried to hate this movie and it just didn't happen. All you naysayers need to relax.