Old Friends

Well old friend, we've done it again. Another life left in ruins because of your f**ked up ways. We've known her since we were twenty one years old. Now I am thirty and I have become a man, no longer the little boy she used to know. I'm not scared of the world anymore and I don't need a woman's love to justify my worth. She will never understand this or else she will refuse to understand it. I hate her because she is selfish in this regard but deep down I know she is not being selfish, she is simply in love with the wrong man. I feel as if I tricked her into falling in love with me and now I am done with her. But I know this is not the case. I simply need to be on my own. Away from anyone who will allow me to become an emotional maggot on them. I have lived my whole life like this and now I am ready to branch out on my own. The boy is dying along with his love for her, and the man needs to be free to experience a life for his own. There's a whole world out there that I need to find and I can't do it with her.

All our memories together will be lost and will only be remembered by a faint echo in the back of our minds. I feel as if I robbed her of her own family, because of my refusal to have children. This whole time we were together she could have been starting a family but instead she will have to start her life over again with a ghost of me in the corner of the room. Maybe I always knew in some strange way that we shouldn't have children because I didn't trust myself emotionally. It's almost as if some voice in the back of my head told me not to, that one day I would be strong and want to be on my own. The nights I am with her I feel cold and distant, afraid to begin the conversation that will affect the rest of our lives. I am screaming inside," Let Me go!" But on the outside the words will not come out, only a booming silence. So we sit in our own minds not letting the other know our thoughts for fear of the repercussions and the wreckage that will be left behind.