Old Rome and the New Deal

I first ran across this book accidentally a few weeks ago while I was researching another topic. Needless to say, it caught my attention to such a degree that now I can't remember what my other topic was supposed to have been. In any case, the book's title set off a literal flood of neurotransmitters among my remaining functional neurons. This led to the inevitable question: could the Roman Empire have survived FDR?

After having examined numerous Holy Relics left behind by the herd of Sacred Cows, and consulting the appropriate oracles and soothsayers (note to self: how the Hell do you say a sooth?), I offer a hypothesis (noun: A stage of logical induction once removed from that of a wild guess; from the Greek hypo = "less" or "smaller"; and thesis = "hunch") regarding what life would have been like if the New Deal had been in charge of the Roman Empire.

1) Rather than risk a war with Carthage that would cause economic trauma throughout the then-known world, Rome would have dispatched the First Consul of Britannia, Nevillius Chamberlainus, and Ambassador Josephus Kennedae the Elder to meet with Hannibal. Hannibal would have promised to behave in the future (even though he would still be planning to invade Spain when no one was watching) and the two distinguished public servants would return to the Roman Senate with a scroll that would guarantee "Peace in our time."

2) History would have been radically different after the Roman Fleet, which was sitting at anchor in Actium, was destroyed as a result of a Sunday morning surprise attack by Marc Antony and Cleopatra as part of a secret alliance between Carthage and Egypt.

3) The Golden Eagle and "SPQR" (Senatus Populus Que Romanum; 'the Senate and People of Rome') totem that preceded the Roman Legions into battle would have been replaced by a Blue Eagle and the "SPQR" would have stood for Senatus Populus Que Rooseveltianus; "Roosevelt's People in the Senate."

4) Nero would have held the biggest fireside chat in recorded history.

5) Julius Caesar, having been annoyed by the "Nine Old Men of the Imperial Tribunal" that kept declaring his policies "un-Romanly," would have tried to pack the Tribunal with judges that would have agreed with him.

6) Germanicus and the Barbarians would have overrun Gaul a total of 47 times in the past 20 centuries, and the Gallic Army would have surrendered a total of 51 times.

7) The conviction of Jesus of Nazareth would have been overturned on a writ of habeas corpus because Pontius Pilate did not read him his Miranda rights and his sentence would have then been commuted to a $50 fine and 10 hours of community service.

8) Gladiatorial combat at the Coliseum would have been replaced by "negotiated settlement" in the Great Forum of Yalta.

9. "Bread and circuses" would have taken on a whole new meaning because of the amount of bread that would have been necessary to feed the vast numbers of clowns running the Roman Empire.

10. None of the above would have actually happened because the Romans would have been starved into Third World poverty by idiotic central agricultural planning as well as wage and price controls. Alternatively, there would have been no Rome because Romulus and Remus would have been busted for violating the Endangered Species Act.