OMG! Steroids in Baseball? You're Kidding!

I don't know about you, but I, for one, am totally shocked by the Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball.

Barry Bonds? I had no idea.

Now, I'm not completely in the dark about sports. For example, I know there was a big debate about putting an asterisk next to Bond's name after he broke a home run record. But I thought that asterisk was for a footnote at the bottom of the page - something that would say, "Barry Bonds, what a nice guy!"

Or, "Barry: He Bonds with his fans!"

According to the Mitchell Report, I was wrong.

The Mitchell Report mentions that Bonds was "indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice based on his grand jury testimony" in a steroid investigation. But Bonds wasn't indicted for steroid use. The Mitchell Report says he's never tested positive for steroids; although he apparently was tipped off in advance, as to when the steroid tests would happen.

Maybe he needed time to study. Is that so bad?

Next, there's Jose Canseco. Boy, was I surprised to see him listed in the Mitchell Report. He's the player who wrote the book Juiced. Now, I've never read it, because I buy my juice pre-made at the store. But, the Mitchell Report says Juiced is not about making juice at all. It's about steroids! Imagine that!

For me, though, the most shocking name in the Mitchell Report is pitching ace Roger Clemens.

Among other things, the Mitchell Report says some guy admitted to injecting Clemens with a steroid "approximately four times in the buttocks over a several-week period with needles that Clemens provided."

Clemens' lawyer has already fired back, telling Major League Baseball, "There has never been one shred of tangible evidence that he ever used these substances."

And I believe him. After all, Clemens is The Rocket. He doesn't need Rocket Fuel. Plus, who would voluntarily get a shot in the butt?

The Mitchell Report also names some players who were apparently skinny after one season and then suddenly gained 30 pounds of muscle, or something like that, without working out. Seriously, how can the Mitchell Report blame steroids for that? I've certainly gained weight in a short period of time. Granted, it wasn't all muscle, but I certainly didn't need steroids to do it.

Unless there were steroids in those cookies.

In conclusion, I urge everyone to look at the Mitchell Report on steroids with a skeptical eye. You can't believe everything you read, especially on the Internet.