Ominous Psychic Predictions for the Last 5 1/2 Months of Planet Earth

As we all know, the Mayan calendar ends on what we now call December 21st, 2012. Since the Mayans were so obviously right about everything else in life (like fashion, economics, gender equality and skin care) we must assume they had the whole life-span-of-the-Earth thing figured out, too. So, as a service to my fellow humans, I'm offering what I see in my all-powerful psychic visions of the coming fate of mankind. Between this bottle of rum, and my pair of crystal balls, I think I have our fate figured out.

And I swear on my brother's pre-need funeral plot, if this one publishes under humor like all the others, I'm going to dragon-kick a baby seal - twice. This is serious business. Psychic premonitions are always serious business. No really. I mean it. I shouldn't have to use words like "dragon kick" and "baby seal" in the same sentence. (See what you make me do? Oh God®...oh God®! This is really all your fault, Internet. If you would just do things the way I ask you to, and maybe lose a little weight, I swear I wouldn't be forced to get so angry.)

Ominous psychic predictions for the last 5 1/2 months of Planet Earth Number one: LeeAnn Rimes will spend the last few months of her life, defending herself against detractors on Twitter, by saying repeatedly that she was "only joking" and calling the rest of us "major douchebags" for having responded so seriously to what was "so obviously a joke to anyone with an I.Q. Over 75." Her sudden attempt at back-pedaling will have been prompted by her sudden realization that her detractors actually made a good point about her in the first place.

Ominous psychic predictions for the last 5 1/2 months of Planet Earth Number twosies: The entire American TEA Party will come to suddenly realize that President Barack Obama is "really kind of a nice guy - for a black man" when, upon realizing the inevitable doom, he spends the entire debt ceiling increase on the "Most Awesome Beer Summit Ever," at which he will punch Barney Frank in the teeth, and in plain view of all attendees, for making a groping, drunken, sexual advance towards him. As the beer flows, however, a staggering Obama is later overheard saying how "Lady Gaga is looking good! Dayum!" Michelle Obama files for divorce the next day, unlike "that doormat Hillary."

Ominous psychic predictions for the last 5 1/2 months of Planet Earth Number three: Later that same evening, while recovering from his new lack of taste-buds in the White House kitchen, Congressman Frank does at least score a four seconds of pity sex from Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the conditions that he agrees to say "Aye Papi" at the exact moment of climax and wears a light blue maid's uniform paired with good, sturdy, fence-climbing boots.

Ominous psychic predictions for the last 5 1/2 months of Planet Earth Number four: The nation of Canada is taken over by a drunken Prime Minister who declares himself "Supreme Lord of the Great White North," and declares by executive order, orange pleather hot-pants, any form of zebra-striped clothing, The Village People, and all Canadians, illegal. On sobering up the next day, Harper attempts to defend himself on Twitter, by saying repeatedly that he was "only joking eh," and calling the rest of us "major douchebags eh" for having responded so seriously to what was "so obviously a joke to anyone with an I.Q. Over 75, eh."