On Being Bald

Come on - we've all seen them. Men with receding hairlines, always with a baseball cap on their head. Men who do the "comb-over", trying to cover the balding spot on top of their head. Even worse are the guys like David Crosby, who for all intents and purposes should be bald, yet hang on to the long hair of their youth - hair that grows only on the back of the head and tied into a ponytail. Ever take a good look at the rear end of a horse? Bald with one long isolated sprout of hair! Hair pieces and plugs? I won't even go there. Do you really want to become a member of "The Hair Club for Men"? If you are going to join a club, at least join one that is fun.

Bald and balding men of the World, unite! There are many advantages to being bald, or as I prefer to call it - "expediting the inevitable" - those of us who choose to shave our heads of those last remaining vestiges of our hair. Here are some reasons for just shaving it off and going completely bald.

1. Women love it! I have had more women compliment me on my bald head than I ever had compliment me when I had a normal head of hair. Women I barely know suddenly want to run their fingers over the top of my smooth, hairless head!

2. Save on shampoo. Who needs those expensive gels and shampoos? When I take my shower, I wash all over, head to toe - with plain old soap. Works great (be sure to start from the head and work your way down though.) It takes only a few extra seconds to wipe the water off my head. No more drying your hair or fussing with it. I'm in and out and ready to go.

3. Hats fit better! Yes, when you buy a hat, it will always fit the same way. No more having a tight hat when you have put off getting a haircut and your hair is thicker than usual, or having your hat become too large as more and more of your hair disappears.

4. You become more aerodynamic. It's true! Especially when riding around in a convertible. You no longer have to deal with your hair flying around, getting into your eyes, and slowing you down. You probably get at least 1-2 mpg better mileage when your head is clean shaven. (Your results may vary.) You are more aerodynamic for other sports such as biking, running, swimming - the list goes on!

5. You can look as bad as you want. Take a bald guy, put on some cool shades, maybe sport a little goatee or beard, and you suddenly become one of those unpredictable people that nobody wants to mess with.

6. You are always the first to know when it starts to rain. You'll have your umbrella out and ready for action long before your hairy friends have a clue.

7. The unthinkable happens. Some uncaring bird decides to drop a load on your head. If you have hair, you now have to find a source of water and wash it out. If you are bald, a simple wipe with a convenient napkin, paper towel, or tissue and you are good to go. In a worse case scenario, you can use a handy credit card to squeegee the offending mess off your head.

8. If you ever commit a crime and want to change the way you look, starting out bald is the way to go. People with hair can only color it, or change the style. As a bald person, your head is an empty canvas. You will be described as a bald person, yet you can disguise yourself as someone who does have hair. It's a little harder to do the other way around.

9. You can show support and solidarity with a cancer patient who is undergoing therapy and have lost their hair.

10. During Halloween, a bald head leaves you open to a much broader selection of costumes. You can decorate your head and go as an Easter Egg, or paint your head like a giant eye-ball, the themes are limitless!

Of course, there is a flip side to everything.

1. If you have a head like Gumby, or if you have a basically rectangular head, then my sympathies go out to you. Shaving your head bald will only make you look like an idiot. Have you seen a Conehead? You my friend, should try to keep your hair as long as possible.

2. If you are one of those guys who is extremely pale already, the worse thing you can do is run around with sunglasses outdoors. Because when you come indoors, not only do you have a glaringly white, bald head - you also have those ridiculous looking tan marks along the sides of your head, highlighting just how pale you really are. Keep clear of the FAA - they have laws about shining lasers at planes, or doing other things that may temporarily blind the pilots.

3. If you decide to shave your head, try to do it in the fall or winter months, when your face is relatively pale. Guys with great tans who suddenly shave their heads in the middle of the summer.... well, the image defies description.

4. Opposite to number 9 above, you may be mistaken for a cancer patient and have to put up with endless stories about friends and relatives who had cancer and survived.

5. Okay, I will admit that it gets a bit chilly in the winter. You may start receiving hand-made beanies and caps from Grandma, to "Keep you warm in the winter."

6. You save on shampoo, but your razor blade and shaving cream costs will sky-rocket. After awhile, you start paying more attention to those TV commercials hyping razor blades with 3, 4, or even 5 blades in one shaving head. You may even find yourself reading the back of one of those creams women use, you know - spread it on and wipe it off, along with your hair. Unfortunately those products all have warning labels about not using them on your head. They are probably afraid of the liability lawsuits if some guy accidentally removes his eyebrows and eyelashes by mistake.

7. Complete strangers may tap you on the shoulder, thinking you look just like a friend of theirs. Or, they may ask you why you shave your head. I always fall back on the cancer survivor thing - it ends unwanted conversation almost immediately.

8. No more going to the barber for your haircut. You may actually have to buy a subscription to those magazines you like.

9. You know the 3-day old beard look? The one some guys sport where they have a few days growth of beard and it actually looks cool? Well, having that look spread to the top of your head just doesn't seem to have the same appeal.

10. You WILL nick your head while shaving. Even when you get the hang of it, you will one day be in a rush and carelessly nick yourself. It's a given.