On Being God

Let's assume I'm God. Look, I know: this trick is worn. Too many have assumed it, but before you scroll away, this God kindly informs you that He's not finished yet. So, keep your ass seated and your eyes peeled or I'll do it for you. No, I can't do that. In fact, that's why I'm writing: to let you know that I have no power. Power is attractive to you folks down there, which is in part why I've given myself none. I've intentionally made myself unattractive to you humans. Why? Well, it gets a little complicated, and if you're still scratching your head about my last statement (on how I made myself), then it's no use explaining why. More to the point, I refuse to explain why because it might imply omniscience and that's attractive. Who doesn't want to know somebody who knows everything? I don't know everything, I'm not everywhere, I don't transcend time, and I don't have a son. I'm especially asking that you stop claiming I have a son. I do not have the power to reproduce with myself. That's attractive.

What can I do? This is obvious. I can make you. I made the first human, but listen to this: I made you after I made myself imperfect. Is everything beginning to make sense? It was one of my more ingenious ideas. I would be attractive to you if I made you while I was perfect because you would be perfect. Therefore, contrary to popular opinion, the first human was as unattractive as you. He did live longer, run faster, and think more clearly, but those are minor differences. He pooped, he fantasized, and he mated just like you. It was me who made you stuff food down your face, me who made you form in the stomach of another, and me who made pooping occasionally pleasurable. The reason for that is obvious, so I will explain. If pooping hurt, you wouldn't eat and then you'd die off. Simple as that. I did give it a stench, though, so you would properly dispose of it. Moving on.

What about nature? This is where you try to make me attractive again, but I must object. You see, you're worshiping the being I was, not the being I am. I made the universe before you, as you rightly guess. I made the universe when I was perfect. I made it with all the power you think I have now. This is why everything besides you is perfect and why everything (ironically) must decline as you rise. As I said, I made you in my imperfect state. Please don't worship the being I was, worship the being I am: someone who turns out to be just like you.