On Boyfriends and Discipline, Parental Love, and 2-year-olds Who Won't Speak

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Question

Should I allow my boyfriend to discipline my 2-year-old son? The boy's father is not around, and the kid is not listening to me. I've been with my boyfriend for a year, and he moved in two months ago.

Answer

The answer to your question depends on two things. First, how strong is your relationship? Second, how does the man in question feel about your son?

If you don't see the potential for a permanency with this boyfriend, involving him in the discipline of your child probably isn't wise. Children do things that make us angry. Most of us love our children enough to respond to their maddening behavior without simply losing our temper. True discipline is justice tempered by compassion. Does your boyfriend intend to marry you and adopt the child? Has he bonded with the boy in the way you would expect from a good father? If the answer to those questions is no, then keep him out of the disciplinary loop.

I don't want to tar your boyfriend with a bad brush. But headlines are replete with examples of boyfriends who abuse, neglect, or otherwise mistreat children. Sometimes they get angry at the child, sometimes they feel resentful toward the woman who saddled them with the responsibility, sometimes they don't know how to take care of kids. And sometimes they just don't care enough to give child-rearing the attention it requires. It's easy to agree to take on some disciplinary responsibility. Actually dispensing that discipline consistently and rationally is much harder.

In closing, I'll resurrect a phrase once used more frequently in the South, "A man who gets the milk for free doesn't have much reason to invest in the cow." Without the familial buy-in, be very careful before allowing this man to take on the role of father - because disciplining children is at its core the responsibility of the parents.

Question

My daughter doesn't say much. She's 2-and-a-half and doesn't use sentences. We don't understand her half the time. Should I be worried?

Answer

A lot of children don't speak in full sentences at age 2, so there's no need to panic. But her language skills should be developing noticeably at this age. If you're not seeing that development, take some steps to encourage her to speak.

• Read to her. A lot. Good stories can often provoke a child to talk, either to discuss the story or to make up a story of her own.
• Play word games, asking questions that require the child to answer "yes" or "no." Then encourage her to ask you questions and try to trip you up.
• Sing songs. Go with nursery rhymes, songs from her favorite TV shows, or church songs. This should help her learn the rhythm of language.
• Ask the girl questions that require a choice. "Do you want to play with the doll or the teddy bear?" If she points, ask the question again and let her know that she must say the word to receive the object.
• Speak clearly. Your child learns to speak by listening to you. If your diction is bad, hers will be worse, at least at first.
• Stop using baby talk and switch to adult words. By now, your daughter probably understands more than you realize.
• Add verbal cues to your play with your daughter. Put some of her favorite toys in a box, along with some of your own things. Start by having her remove one of the toys, tell you what it is, and tell you how she plays with it. Follow suit with one of your items and continue the game, taking turns.

You should also talk to your pediatrician about the situation. There could be something else going on.

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