On Crying it Out, Child Neglect and Abuse, Becoming an Adult, and Parental Responsibility

Author's note: I apologize for not getting a column up on Sunday. My Internet was down. Both yesterday's column and today's will be posted today.

Stop here every day for a new question and answer, practical help for busy parents.

Question

I've heard people say that the "cry it out" method of parenting is tantamount to child neglect. The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children , a British advocacy group, has an advertisement that shows a toddler holding an empty bottle, looking sad, as a voiceover says he isn't crying because he knows no one will come. The ad implies leaving your kid to cry when he needs something is abuse, but the cry it out method says you should leave your kid to cry. Can you explain this to me?

Answer

You're mixing apples and oranges. Barring some sort of health problem or other special circumstance that commands a restricted diet, I would classify denying a hungry toddler a bottle as neglect. But no legitimate disciplinary system would endorse such conduct.

The advertisement you reference is a powerful call to action, and I find no fault with its important message or its pointed delivery of that message. But what you call the "cry it out" method does not represent neglect or abuse. Let me explain:

I have answered numerous questions about tantrums. In many cases, I advise parents to ignore the tantrum and let the child cry it out. Why? Because the purpose of a tantrum is to attract attention to the child and convince parents to give him what he wants. The best way to deal with tantrums is to ensure they do not work, letting the child know that crying will not cause the rest of the world to rush to serve him.

Parents may also opt to allow a child to cry for awhile during periods when the kid is moving to his own bed, or his own room. Sometimes parents must make children do things they don't want to do because the change is beneficial in the long run. And with young children in particular, crying is often their best strategy for letting everybody know they don't like the situation. If the child learns that by crying, he can get his parents to remove him from any uncomfortable situation, he'll be quick to cry every time he doesn't get his way. So when it comes time for a child to make a difficult but necessary change, parents must sometimes allow him to cry without interfering. Only then can he learn to deal with that change.

Bottom line: Parents will sometimes allow their children to "cry it out" when responding to those cries sends the wrong message. In that sense, allowing a child to cry can be a disciplinary tool. But this in no way excuses neglect or other forms of abuse.

If you see a parent studiously ignoring a screaming, angry child who wants to get his way, stay out of it.

If you see a parent ignoring a piteously crying child with an overstuffed diaper or an empty bottle, feel free to intercede.

Question

Is it true that after age 18, everything a parent does for their child becomes a favor? I'm 18 and don't consider myself an adult. I'm still dependent on my parents and don't understand the kicked-to-the-curb mentality.

Answer

Every parent/child relationship is different. Unfortunately, if your parents see their support of you as a burden, you can probably do little to change their mind.

Have you talked to them about this? And by talked, I mean sat down in a quiet moment and listened to what they have to say on the topic? Arguing doesn't count. Your parents' stance is uncommon, but not unheard of, and I'm sure they have their reasons.

Perhaps they're making the nest uncomfortable in an effort to push you to fly on your own. At age 18, the law considers you an adult, regardless of your personal position on the matter. Many parents expect their children, once they stop attending school full time, to move out and get a job. I can't speak for your parents. Instead, I advise you to encourage them to speak for themselves. You need to know what they're thinking before you can decide what to do.

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