On Girlfriends Versus Kids, Rebuilding Trust, and How Tough Guys React to a Blow to the Crotch

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Question

I have two daughters and a son, all teens. I divorced two years ago, and my girlfriend moved in a year ago. Since then, my kids haven't come to see me. My daughters had a huge fight with my girlfriend and said they won't see me until the woman is gone. When me and my girlfriend went to my ex's house to see the kids, my ex said, "I don't think so, do you?" My girlfriend had to sit in the car. When I told my wife I missed the kids, she asked, "Can you blame them for not wanting to see your tart?" My kids no longer want me in their life, and I want them back. What can I do?

Answer

This isn't a girlfriend problem. Your troubles date back to well before this woman moved in with you; the only change is that the kids have now found a tangible object for their contempt. Was your separation from your wife amicable? I'm guessing it wasn't. Was another woman involved? Based on your kids' reactions and your ex-wife's comments, it certainly sounds that way.

For whatever reason (and I'm just using "whatever" as an acknowledgment that I don't have all the facts '" you almost certainly know the reason), your kids have chosen to back your mother instead of you. The children's resentment could stem from a variety of reasons. Perhaps they held out hope that you and your ex would get back together, and your cohabitation destroyed those hopes. Perhaps your previous involvement with other women has soured them, and any romantic attachment will be viewed as an attack on their mother. Perhaps after the divorce you ignored them, or you simply stopped trying to be a hands-on father. Many noncustodial parents fall into that trap after a divorce, and it can take a lot of time and effort to recapture the children's trust. Perhaps your ex-wife has poisoned the kids against you, or perhaps you did that through your own conduct.

The good news: Regardless of the reason for the kids' estrangement from you, the solution is the same.

The bad news: Fixing this problem will take a lot of work, and your girlfriend is probably going to get left out of the process.

To address this problem, you must rebuild your relationship with your kids. Once they reach a certain age, children's preferences matter more than custody arrangements or court decrees. And if the children have decided that you must choose between them and your girlfriend, then it's time for you to make that choice.

Is it fair to your girlfriend? No. Is it fair to you? Possibly, depending on the circumstances surrounding your split with your ex and how you have treated her and the kids since then. But even amicable divorces are almost never fair to the children. And while your kids have grown old enough to make a lot of their own decisions, they are still children who need a father.

If you want to be a parent to them '" particularly if you've squandered opportunities in the past '" you must consider their needs before your own.

Question

My 19-year-old son plays college soccer. A ball hit him between the legs during a game. He was down on the ground for a while before limping off. After the game he asked what I thought of his reaction to getting hit in the sensitive area. I didn't know what to say. I think he was concerned his reaction wasn't the manliest in front of a crowd full of women. Should he have been able to go on playing?

Answer

The pain of such a collision is nearly impossible to explain to someone who has not experienced it, and most men reading this have winced or grimaced in pained sympathy. Sometimes you can tough out a glancing blow. But direct contact is another matter. I've seen professional athletes get pulled from a game after a crotch shot.

Don't worry about the crowd reaction. Most women probably feel sympathy, rather than ridicule. The guy's teammates may rib him about this, but as long as he keeps his sense of humor, he's probably fine.

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