On Human Sexuality

I would not be the least bit upset, jealous or concerned if my wife chose to express herself sexually with another woman. Not the least bit. In fact, I would encourage it.

Because I've had sex with women and it's wonderful. Women are soft, caring, attentive and wonderful to have sex with. And I'm not just talking about the -mechanical- 'penis in vagina' sex act. That's great, but the whole experience of being with a sexually responsive woman is wonderful and I wouldn't deny that to my wife for anything. Expressing herself sexually that way would enable her to enjoy a side of herself that I can never accommodate - no matter how hard I try. If she wants that experience, I want her to have it and I don't feel the least bit intimidated or threatened by it.

However, expressing herself sexually with another man would threaten and intimidate me and it would make me jealous. Because I feel that I can provide for her whatever that experience could provide for her and I would feel somehow 'lessened' if she chose to have that experience with someone else.

I suppose that makes me shallow and, I guess, I have to take responsibility for that shallowness but I know that I would ask myself: 'What does she get from him that she can't get from me?' What she would get from expressing herself sexually with another woman is obvious and is something I cannot provide so it isn't threatening. But what she would get from such an experience with another man is not obvious and is something I feel that I can provide and so begins to speak to 'preference' and her preferring to have the experience with another man is threatening to me.

It would, I think, be different if I thought I was deficient in some sexual aspect: too small, or too 'quick' or too timid or something like that. Then, I suppose, I could accommodate the idea. 'He's hung like a horse and she wants to feel what that is like' - I think I could handle that. But I'm not small, I'm not too 'quick' and I am not timid sexually so I'd be forced to think: 'she likes him better than me'.

It really does come down to that - juvenile, egotistical, self-effacing - fear. I would have trouble accepting that 'she likes him better than me'.

I mean, I can accept the idea of her being sexually attracted to another man. I think I'm sexually attractive but no one is all things to all people at all times. Anyone who believes that they can only be sexually attracted to one person among the over six billion people on the planet is lying to you, to their partner and, most significantly, to themselves. It just isn't possible.

So, sure, I find some of the models on 'Deal Or No Deal' very sexually attractive. But the important thing is what I do about it. I can either jump on a plane to Los Angeles and seek them out or I can channel that sexual energy in an appropriate way: acknowledge it, recognize it, and bring it to my partner. That strikes me as healthy. Otherwise it strikes me as potentially destructive.

We human beings are a complicated lot and nowhere is it more apparent than in our sexual behaviour.