On Marriage

I've been asked these questions a lot over the years: a) do I have a boyfriend and b) why is a woman like me single.

Ok, the first one is easier to answer although it is a bit more complicated than "yes" or "no". See, I have a problem with labels. This is yet another area where the English language really shows its limits. Basically we have three options to describe our relationships in one word. For females, a guy is your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband. If you don't classify him as one of those three things, then you find yourself in the position of creating your own term or explaining your relationship. I prefer not to do either of these.

As archaic as it is, I like the term "suitor". "Courting" is another antiquated term although the concept itself still exists. So I call them "options" or I refer to the men in my life as "boyfriend potential". I do have men in my life but I hesitate to admit to that because not only do I prefer privacy in my current relationships, I also resent the assumption that I am some kind of harlot for dating more than one man at a time. Yes, people are so closed-minded that they jump to the conclusion that dating more than one man means you are having sex with more than one man which therefore means you are a slut. See also: double standards. Who says I'm having sex with any of them? Whose business is it if I am? My private life is just that - PRIVATE.

Back to my original point: I don't feel the need to explain my relationship status to anyone other than the people with whom I have relationships. But I will say this: like a lot of single women, I have relationships that are in various stages. I have relationships that started out as a romantic interest and ended up in friendship. I have relationships that are more about quality time than quantity because we both have such busy schedules that we rarely get to see each other so when we do, we make sure to have a really good time. I have relationships that have, so far, consisted only of e-mail and/or phone calls. I have relationships with people who live in another state. I have relationships with people who are fun to be around and just happen to have their kids the same weekends I have mine so we only get together when we're kid free. Some of these relationships are more emotional than others, more intimate, more frequent than others, more laid-back than others. In one way or another, each of them fulfills a certain need whether it's a need for companionship, fun, release, distraction, conversation, etc.

Moving on to the next topic... I resent the implication that being (technically) single means that I am somehow defective, like it is so difficult to believe that a woman with so many good qualities would be without a "significant other" unless there was something wrong with her. There is no catch, no hidden flaw or irregularity. Contrary to popular opinion, a woman is not somehow incomplete without a man. In fact, I feel more whole without one because there is no one around to drain my energy, put a dent in my self-esteem, or take even the slightest piece of my heart from me. No one is taking anything away from me anymore.

See, one of those good qualities I do possess is intelligence. I'm one smart cookie. Its always one of the most common words people will use to describe me. Because I am an intelligent woman, I choose not to be in an exclusive relationship. Between my own experiences and my observations of others in my life, I've decided that it is not something I want in my life right now and that I am perfectly content with what I do have when it comes to the opposite sex.

Here are just a few examples of my experiences and observations:

A man has been married to his wife for about 5 years now but he has either been having sex or attempting to have sex (or both) with other women since before they were married. She has no idea. As far as she knows, they have a strong, happy marriage aside from the usual minor problems most couples have. This is her version of reality. His version is that, if his wife isn't giving him what he wants in the bedroom, he should be allowed to get it somewhere else.

A woman was married for approximately 20 years when she discovered that her husband had an affair with a co-worker. Her husband has spent the better part of the past six months going back and forth between him and this Other Woman, completely draining the Wife of every ounce of emotion, faith, strength, self-esteem and self-respect that she has, simply because he can't make up his mind. That's his excuse for it anyway. The truth is that he's hoping he can find a way to have both the stability of a wife and the excitement of an affair.

A man is living with a woman that he was once engaged to, or so he claims, and that he doesn't love and isn't happy with. He has attempted to cheat on her with me and has possibly cheated on her with someone else. He also suspects that she is cheating on him. He stays because he has nowhere else to go and he figures Karma is somehow involved and that he deserves to be miserable for what he has put other women through.

A woman repeatedly tells a man that she loves him, not because she does but because he says it to her and she doesn't know how else to respond. She is very conscious of the fact that she never says it first. He isn't aware of this fact at all. She stays because she doesn't feel he has given her any valid reason to leave. He is very good to her and her children, he is a kind and caring person, he doesn't drink or do drugs, he is faithful, and he has a good job and a wonderful family. There is nothing "wrong" with him or with their relationship except for the fact that she doesn't love him in a romantic way and she doesn't think that's a "good reason" to leave.

A man has thrown away the opportunity to spend the rest of life with a woman he loves, a woman who will always have his heart, the woman responsible for the happiest period of his life. He does this because other people do not approve of her and he has placed their happiness before his own. Because he feels that he doesn't deserve to be happy. Because he believes he is a genuinely Bad Person and deserves to be miserable (although he hides the fact that he is so he smiles and puts on a show). Because he hasn't learned to live the life he wants for himself so he has settled for letting others decide what kind of life he should live, a life that doesn't include The Woman He Loves. Instead he pretends, for everyone else's sake, that he's happy with someone of whom his family and friends approve.

A woman began having doubts about her pending nuptials and started to question whether marrying this man was the right thing to do. She began to question her motivation to marry him, wondering if she was truly marrying him because she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him or because she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Someone. Just a few years into "Happily Ever After", she is contemplating divorce. The idea of getting a divorce is so devastating to her. Not because she's afraid of losing her husband but because she's embarrassed for "having failed at marriage". And because she really wants to be married. She loves being Somebody's Wife.

A man marries a woman because he "might as well" since they've dated for so long and have a child together. He has a gambling addiction he hasn't dealt with and he still calls up his old girlfriends because he needs the attention they give him. And, sure, he loves his wife and he's happy that their child has the benefit of being raised with both parents in the home. But when she offered him the ultimatum of marry her or she's leaving, he went with the marriage. Seemed like a better deal. Two incomes, sex on a semi-regular basis. Sure, why not?

Those are just a few examples. I could give you so many more involving people who are with someone just to avoid being alone because they don't feel validated unless they have someone, because they can't afford to support their kids on one income, or they're with them out of habit or convenience or fear or low self-esteem or any one of about 700 other reasons other than the right ones. I could give you examples of people who are not with the person they love because of nonsensical reasons, because they aren't of a certain gender, race, religion, age range, geographical location or social or economic class, because they've run into some obstacles such as money or physical illness or addictions or other barriers which would most likely be just temporary if they made enough effort to overcome them but, for whatever reason, they decide it's easier to run away and leave than to confront the issues and work through them. I'm sure a lot of us know of quite a few people who are lying to their boyfriends and girlfriends, cheating on them, lying to other people about them, badmouthing them, lying about their feelings for them either to them or to other people, saying that they love them when they don't or saying they don't love them when they do. There's just too much deception involved in a majority of relationshsips and I value honesty.

So are you getting my point? No, I am not cynical or jaded, I do not hate men and I am not anti-relationship. I'm just not buying into the theory that people in relationships are somehow "better" and happier and more important or more complete or more special or more anything. All of us are surrounded by too many couples that are living proof that this just isn't true. I just choose to be wise and selective about dedicating my time, energy, devotion, loyalty and body to just one person. I am living my life on my terms. I don't want any one person to feel some sense of entitlement when it comes to what I'm doing with my time. I have enough self-respect that I know not to settle for less than I deserve, enough self-esteem to know that I deserve a good man, and enough self-awareness to know that at this point in my life, an exclusive relationship is just not something I want or need. I know there are many women out there who feel the same way.