On Rude Children, Blended Families, Discipline, and a Baby's Skin Color

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Question

My fiance and I are expecting a child and plan to get married in December or January. He has another child, and aside from her bad behavior and my fiance's lack of discipline, she is a great kid. But he believes that we can all live together happily, when honestly, I don't want that. She has no respect for me at all. She calls me names when he's not around. I just cannot picture myself trying to raise my own child and raising someone else's child who doesn't have an ounce of respect for me. I don't mind if she came over for the weekends, but as far as living with me, no way. Am I wrong for feeling like this? What should I do to create peace with my fiance and to solve this situation?

Answer

What are you looking for, a magic wand?

You are marrying a man who already has a child. You knew that going in. Furthermore, you conceived a child with a man you knew did not discipline his children. Unfortunately, you are getting exactly what the man's past behavior promised. The two of you should have sorted this issue out a long, long time ago. Long before you agreed to get married. And long before you became intimate with the man.

This girl is your fiance's daughter. It is not and never has been your call whether she lives with her father. If he wants to be a father to this girl, that is his right, and many would argue his responsibility. It's way too late for you to get upset about this, and you're going to have to make the best of it. If you push the issue, in effect you are making the man choose between his two children. Only you can determine whether you are willing to risk your relationship over this.

At this point, your job is to make the best of the situation and try to improve it. I suggest you have a long, hard talk with your fianc© and sort out the parenting responsibilities. He needs to know about his daughter's disrespect for you, and the two of you must establish some consequences for her actions. If he knows but won't intervene, then you've learned something new about him.

You should also give some thought to how the two of you will discipline your own baby. However, if he's not willing to change, you can't force him to do so.

Bottom line: You can't prevent this man from taking in his daughter if he chooses to do so. However, you can voice your concerns and attempt to make a tough situation better. Good luck.

Question

My boyfriend's mother is white, his father is black. Both he and his brother are black. I am white. If we had a baby, how would he/she come out?

Answer

I have no idea, and neither will you unless you actually have the baby. "Black" covers a lot of ground, as many (perhaps most) people who consider themselves African-Americans are not of pure African heritage. The gene pool contains pigmentation options from a variety of cultures, and unless your boyfriend's father has researched his roots, he can't be sure what lies in his own ancestry. In some families with two black parents, the skin tone of the children may vary greatly '" with far more differentiation than you're likely to see in white family.

Throw in a white grandmother, and all bets are off.

I think it's safe to say that any child the two of you have would probably be no darker than his father, and no lighter than you. I know that leaves many options, and that's the point. You've probably already spent more time thinking about this than the topic warrants. You can't control it, and it shouldn't matter, regardless. If the baby's skin color is of particular importance to you, than you're probably not ready for a baby.

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