On a Special Night of Love

I've taken a lot from society, from guys and gals with helpful and sometimes crazy advice, so here is my contribution (payback) to the great dance of human courtship.

In advance of the special evening, I recommend that you, Mr. Macho purchase the following items: 6-12 roses, chocolates (some with liqueur and some without, unless you know your lady's tastes), and a quality eau-de-toilet in a fancy-shaped bottle.

Additionally you will need a bathrobe (pink, yellow or white) and fluffy slippers for her to wear in your place; they don't need to be brand new, but they shouldn't have holes either. Get some aromatic candles, 10 or 15 of them in different scents and a lavender bubble bath (large bottle, usually red in color).

Unless you know what kind of adult beverage your lady likes, get a red wine, a pink (Zinfandel) wine; a dry white wine and a bottle of white rum (get a Mojito recipe for a delightful martini). Get two dinner-table candles (red) and make sure your table wear (dishes, glasses, utensils, napkins etc) is clean and presentable.

Look my friend, you can assemble furniture, bicycles, barbecues, and lawn mowers; you can do this! That's right, you're going to cook ... but don't worry! Everything is included in this blueprint, including what and how to prepare a meal for your sweetheart.

Maybe it's that special woman you think might be your soul mate, the one that you believe might be the ultimate female companion for you. You know this because you are willing to do things for her, have ample patience to attend to her, and respect her entirely as a person. Or maybe it's for a one-night stand, but your purpose is your business.

Prepare Yourself

First and foremost, your personal hygiene requires a thorough review; from your clothes, underwear, sox, deodorant, cologne, your hair, mouth (teeth and breath), your nails down to your toe nails. Cleanliness is ultimately sexy and desirable.

Suggest to your lady, an informal night at your place. Both of you can wear jeans and other casual clothing for comfort. If you live with family or friends, ask for this private evening; help them to find places to go and things to do. It's imperative that there are no distractions. In tough cases, bribery may be required.

Your home or apartment doesn't need to be immaculate, but I strongly suggest you clean your bathroom, or have someone do it. A dirty, smelly bathroom can kill a mood quickly, and may inject fear in any food or drink you serve. Make sure a full set of freshly cleaned bath towels are on the towel rack.

Things You Will Need

Now you are ready. She's arriving at say 7 pm on Saturday night. Therefore, Saturday morning, go to the grocery store and get the following: 2 chicken (skinless and boneless) breast, 2 or 3 carrots, 2 or 3 potatoes (or yams), 2 or 3 white onions, and an aluminum baking dish in which all the above will fit (about 7" x 10" x 2 ½ - 3" deep). I'm assuming you have salt, pepper and water at home. It's a foregone conclusion that you have a conventional (regular) oven too.

When you get home, peel the onions and slice them just like you find slices of onions on a cheeseburger. Peel and chop the other vegetables however you like. Place everything in the cooking dish in the following manner: slices of onions to cover the bottom of the dish (this way, the chicken wont stick to the bottom); remove the chicken from the packaging and place the two breasts on top of the onion slices. If you bought chicken breasts with the bones in, place the white meat side up. Take the remaining vegetables and sprinkle the vegetables around the chicken (don't cover the chicken breasts with the vegetables). Sprinkle salt and pepper over everything. Then pour two whiskey-glasses of water over everything. Cover the dish with aluminum foil, and put everything in the refrigerator. Clean up the kitchen and get all the smelly trash outside.

Set the dinning table for two, with candles and matches at the ready. The meal will take an hour and a quarter to cook, and everything is ready to go. Nothing left to the last minute.

Final Preparations

Now for a final check around your place; remove all pornographic images (soft and hard) from all walls and furniture; shut your cell phone off; hide your black book; pick up all dirty laundry from the floor of every room in your home or apartment (throw them in the closets!). Spraying a little air freshener wouldn't hurt either.

Shower, shave after trimming your nails. Apply odorless deodorant (so as to not mask the cologne you plan to use - you don't wont to smell like old uncle John, or like a musky greenhouse). Put on fresh clean clothes and then tidy up the bathroom.

Do not, I repeat, do not start drinking any alcoholic beverage; wait until she has arrived. And even then, purposely lightly, say down to ¼ of what you would normally drink in an evening.

At around 6 pm, brush your teeth and rinse with mouthwash. Apply just a little cologne. Have the roses and gifts at the ready, but not in your hands when you greet her.

She's Here!

When the doorbell rings, light the dinner-table candles. Greet her politely and try to restrain the tongue-drooling filthy dog machismo. Keep total control of your eyes so they don't drift down to her cleavage (trust me, she will notice because she will be looking in your eyes). Compliment her on any one or two noticeable things she has done to prepare herself, or thing she's wearing (jewelry, shoes, top, etc).

Present her with the flowers, chocolates and perfume while inviting her to the living room for a glass of wine or martini.

After confirming she's staying for dinner, and showing that you sympathize with her tired busy week/day/schedule, make sure you tell her you made this entire dinner and evening from scratch, all by yourself.

Tell her you're doing all of this because she's very special to you. But a word of warning: make sure you are ready to answer exactly, what it is about her that you find so special. Good answers are because she's: sweet, smart, caring, attractive, and big-hearted.

Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Setup the aromatic candles (as many as possible) around the bathtub and on any little shelf you can place one. Light them up, and start running a very warm bathwater while adding the lavender bubble bath liquid. Pay attention to shower curtains and hanging towels - don't set your bathroom on fire! A nice detail might also include a small battery FM radio, tuned to a light jazz or classic music station.

The Bath and Foot Massage

Explain to her that dinner will be about an hour and half, and rather than you boring her to death with your superior insights on the latest NFL game or the latest engine for the next Ford Mustang Shelby Cobra GT500, she could take a nice long bubble bath in total privacy. Ask her to look at the arrangement in the bathroom - it should look very inviting.

Before she makes up her decision, bring her drink and offer to refresh it as needed. A nice touch would be a service-bell for your princess, in case she needs anything while soaking. Don't forget to show her the fresh towels and bathrobe.

While she settles in the tub, take everything out of the oven; check and make sure there's nothing in there, otherwise, the evening will spell smoky-disaster! Turn the oven on to 350 degrees. Notice a red light coming on to tell you it's warming up to that temperature. The light will go off again, when it reaches 350 degrees.

When the oven light goes off, place your dinner creation in the oven, middle shelf. Notice the time, and make sure to take it out 1 hour and 15 minutes later. Don't worry about a thing; it will be fine and delicious.

Listen carefully for your princess' bell. Check on her by knocking on the door and offer to refresh her drink. If she agrees to the drink refresh, when you return with it, offer to massage her feet (she's lying under the bubbles and/or she has a towel in the water to cover herself - or not!).

Keeping an eye on the time, and keeping your clothes on, gently massage her feet and keep your mouth shut. Don't spoil the mood by uttering stupidities.

After a few minutes, excuse yourself under the pretext of having to check on the dinner. When there is only 15 minutes left for the cooking, alert her that dinner will be served in 10 minutes, but she should already be out. When there is 5 minutes left for cooking, shut the oven off. When the time is up, take the dinner creation out.

The Dinner and the Evening

Serve as best as you can. Offer a toast to your relationship before eating and enjoy. Refrain from talking about politics, religion and societal ills. And for God's sake, be sensitive to what she says hurts her or makes her sad. Lastly, don't be pretentious and don't lie; be humble and honest.

If you tell a girl you are the Master Chef in an upscale eatery downtown, your dinner had better be gourmet, and you had better expect her to visit the eatery (with her mother). Would you like her to find you waiting tables at Joe's Bar & Grill and get caught in such an obvious deception?

To be humble also implies you will keep your masculinity (the stubborn and vicious dog element) in the testicle lock-box. Some women like to be the keepers of the keys to testicle lock-boxes, allowing them to open it up only when necessary (in defense of yourself and/or her out there in the urban jungle, or in the bedroom when duty calls). Do not be argumentative unless your lady is studying law or is already lawyer.

What you do for the rest of the evening is as variable as the myriad of stars. At the very least, on this night you showed her something special that speaks from the heart. Good luck!