On the Trail of the Cowsills: The Lost Civilization that Deserved to Be

Through the years man has been fascinated by lost civilizations such as the Incas, the Mayas, and Atlantis. Now after extensive research and massive explorations, archaeologists have unearthed one of the most obscure tribes unknown to man.

The tribe has been dubbed "the Cowsills" after an ancient rock group that became equally obscure after their one hit single, "Hair," fell off the charts. They attempted to duplicate their success with such follow-up ditties as "Skin," "Fingernails," and "Naughty Bits" but never quite pulled it off.

Professor Atlas B. Grope, today's leading and only expert on the Cowsills, has been able to piece together the history of this tribe through cave paintings, pottery fragments and anonymous phone tips. Professor Grope believes the Cowsills (the tribe, not the group) originated in Central Europe, although Central Europeans vigorously deny it. The Cowsills (the group, not the tribe) have never been heard of in Central Europe, something Central Europeans are quite grateful for.

The Cowsills began as a nomadic tribe until they realized mail delivery could never catch up to them. So they settled into small villages, building shelters of rock and clay until they moved into gated communities where tile and plaster board were exclusively used.

Man then discovered fire. Actually, man discovered woman first, then he discovered fire. But who needed fire then? Next the wheel was developed.

Professor Grope explained to us the unique mating habits the Cowsills, acts performed to assure the continuation of the tribe. Initially, to show affection, Cowsills would run away from each other. This went on for several years until the elders realized it was counter-productive. The elders decide to introduce the convertible. When placed on the wheel it could be rolled to the "drive-in." There, depending on the quality of the movie, offspring where produced. Tragedy almost occurred when "Titanic," "Shrek," and "Star Wars" were shown in succession, sending the tribe to near extinction. Fortunately, a Paulie Shore festival was booked and the tribe quickly re-populated itself.

"With the start of the Ice Age," Professor Grope notes, "Most tribes migrated south to warmer, tropic areas. In fact, all tribes migrated except the Cowsills." Which meant they were getting great buys on houses. They established themselves as agriculturists, and were very successful, raising bumper crops of ice, snow and sleet in rotation.

Towards the end of the Ice Age and into the beginning of the Slush Age, as crops became harder to raise and more runny, the Cowsills migrated north to Siberia in search of fertile snow. It was during this period the Cowsills learned many new skills. Most significant was the discovery that fire melted snow, thus water was invented. Many Cowsills settled down and opened small water factories. They prospered and expanded until they were selling water to all parts of the known world. It was a thriving business until anti-trust suits were filed against them. These broke up the corporation and it was soon driven out of business by the independent water carriers. Professor Grope often laughs, sometimes uncontrollably, over this strange, strange custom of "selling" water.

Faced with diminishing snow harvests and loss of water market share, the Cowsills had to learn the art of hunting and were able to master this skill quickly. Typical game included trees, puddles, grassy knolls and strange rock formations. Most hunts were successful. A common technique for killing big game was to let the charging beast trample a tribesman and then wait for it to be overcome with guilt and remorse.

Upon their arrival to Siberia, the Cowsills had no idea of their whereabouts. With the creation of the science of "guessing" the Cowsills determined they were in the North Atlantic. In this frozen tundra the Cowsills learned the meaning of survival. They also learned the meaning of "chair," "stone," "doggie" and other key terms.

More and more, the Cowsills came into contact with other tribes. As inter-tribal communication emerged, the Cowsills attempted to adapt. They developed a crude sign language to welcome others. A visiting tribesman would be greeted by a band of Cowsills who would remove his spleen with pointed sticks and dance circles around his nose. The Cowsills quickly became a very lonely tribe.

Shunned by their fellow man, the Cowsills turned to religion. Their religious practices are of great interest. The Cowsills would build high temples and rent billboard space atop them. They worshipped birds, wolves, cows, moths, strangers, each other and anything else that wandered into worshipping distance.

Despite their religion, or maybe because of it, the Cowsills began to die off. Scientists still debate over the cause of this. Some believe it was a change in climate. Others blame UFOs. A few persist in believing the Cowsills didn't die out and are actually hiding and will jump out and yell "Surprise!" at any moment.

Such is the legacy of the Cowsills, a breed of humanity whose entire contribution to mankind consists of snowballs, the word "ding" and a strange fascination for moldy objects. Will we ever see the likes of them again? Not if Darwin has anything to say about it.