On Working

When you are hired for a new job, your employer assigns certain duties that you are obligated to perform in order to earn your pay. You do your work, you get paid. That would be a pretty simple concept to understand, right? Unfortunately many people coming into the work force these days seem to have problems with the basic idea of work. Let me explain. Work is not fun. Work is what we do to put food on the table, pay our bills and whatever new taxes congress can throw at us. Fun is what we do after we're fed if any money or energy remains. It is an old saying, but true: if work was fun, we would be paying our employers to let us do it. I've been getting to know more of the new workers coming into the job market these days. I've been very very disappointed by many of them. Here's some pointers to the newbies in hopes that they will try to reform before they find themselves back at what used to be called the Unemployment Office.

Show up for work on time. I managed to drag myself out of bed and to work on time and I expect the same from you. Buy a working alarm clock and use it. Quit acting like you're doing me a favor to be here at all. No, I'm not your boss, I'm the coworker who constantly has to work harder to do my job and yours, while you make up for the sleep you lost while out partying all weekend. I'm the customer who gets crappy service because one person, no matter how dedicated, can't do the work of two.

Come to work sober. I don't care what you drank,smoked, snorted or ingested on your off days. While your lifestyle is your own business (and maybe your lawyer's), what you do at the job had better be business. By the time you show up for work, your mind should be clear with no pharmaceutically induced haze. Stoners and drunks (chemically impaired and alcohol addicted persons) just don't do good work.

Bathe. Every day. Please. You should know why by now. Brush your teeth. It works wonders. If it is too hairy, shave it. Remember perfume is not deodorant. Fight the fungus among us.

Clean your own workstation. There is no magic fairy that comes by at night to clean up your mess and your mommie isn't the one on the payroll, so empty your own coffee cup and throw away your own Coke can, candy wrappers, peanut shells and banana peels. It wouldn't hurt if you wiped the grime off your desk once in a while, either.

Don't play stupid. "Duhh... dude...," isn't funny after high school. Learn your job and do it without having to be told over and over and over. I've actually posted written assignments and shown them to socalled workers who ignored them all day, then would come by and ask "Is there anything I need to do?" Learn the routine, write it down or read posted assignments, but make an effort to actually know what your job is and pull a Nike. Just do it.

Don't be lazy. Give an honest day's work for an honest day's pay. It is an old fashioned idea, but it works well for everyone. I've worked with several members of the species who thought it a great joke to stumble through the day, doing the bare minimum necessary to appear to be working. Between bathroom breaks, phones calls, texting, gossiping with the folks in the front office and such very little in the way of work was being accomplished. If your coworkers noticed you goofing off, your boss probably did as well. If the boss didn't catch you, be assured, your luck will change. It always does.

Keep personal matters personal. I'm sorry if your transgender sex operation isn't going as expected, that cattle prods aren't the aprodesiac your mistress promised or that your latest crush is a lipstick lesbian
crossdresser talent scout from New Jersey. Keep it to yourself. Don't hump coworkers in the break room, it's bad for your reputation and an unsanitary use of company provided eating space. Don't toss used condoms in the parking lot. It's tacky and doesn't endear you to fellow employees. It also provides dna evidence your spouse can use against you.

Don't solicit your coworkers for donations. I don't care how worthy your charity or cause is, guess what, most of us work for a living and can't afford to be pinched every time someone else comes up with a great new way to spend our money. While fighting (insert your charity here) is a great cause, I might be struggling to pay my mom's funeral costs, hiring a lawyer to prosecute the creep that robbed my home, trying to put my two kids through college, trying to pay off a car and still put food on the table and clothes on multiple backs. What may be chump change to you is what keeps me in peanut butter sandwiches while I count the days to payday, so lay off. I have my own causes and interests, so let me give to the charity I believe in and you do the same. Or not.

It is work people. Do it with some pride.