Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

Do you believe someone who commits adultery in one relationship will do the same in every relationship? Do you think they can change their ways and be faithful? I have often wondered about this, so decided to ask the Viewpoints Panel Members their opinions on the matter. Maybe some of them have personal experience to share with us!

Let's see if they think a cheater can change his stripes!

Have you ever cheated in a relationship yourself or known someone who did?

Amy: My ex husband cheated on me.

Jennifer: Yes, I know someone who cheated on his wife; she stayed with him because she knew him well, well enough to know that something was wrong. He had lost his direction in life and did not know what he wanted.

Randy: I have not cheated but somebody I know was cheated on.

Gill: Yes and yes. I am not a faithful person by nature. It's complicated and involved with life issues but I make no excuses. Totally aware that it is considered wrong but I have to say, and I know it is not a popular notion, that if I choose to be with someone there is a reason for it and no force on this earth is going to stop it. Just because it is considered wrong by a particular set of rules does not make it wrong in the heart. I know full well that pain has come from these liaisons, on all sides, but I cannot honestly say it would never happen again. However, I have never broken up a relationship so perhaps it would be a different matter if that were the case.

Michy: I have never cheated. In fact, I once dated one man two days after I dated another man, though I wasn't exclusive to either, and I felt terribly guilty about that. I just don't understand cheating.

I have, however, been in relationships where my partner cheated on me. In fact, that is how almost all of my relationships ended.

Elle: I was "the other woman" for at least 15 years. I also dated other people intermittently during that time. He always knew who I was dating, and tried to respect those relationships while I was in them. It was an odd sort of fidelity within infidelity, I suppose.

Was adultery the reason the relationship ended?

Amy: Yes, I could have dealt with the other things even though I should not have had to. Counseling might have helped with other things had he took it seriously.

Jennifer: The relationship did not end. They have been married over eight years now and the cheating was probably the best thing that ever happened to them because they both realized the problem and worked hard to fix it.

Randy: Yes, it was, but they got back together about 5 years later and are still together.

Gill: See above. No relationships were broken in the making of my life!

Michy: Well, since I consider adultery to be cheating when married, then the answer is no, since I was not married to any of them. If you're asking if the cheating was what ended the relationship, then the answer is no, no officially. However, it was definitely a contributing factor.

Elle: I ended the relationship because I finally decided I deserved more, I was worth more, than to be someone's dirty little secret or mechanism for physical release. The relationship was hurting me. The relationship did not affect his marriage. As strange as it will sound to most people, he loves his wife very much. I came to know, like, and respect her. I would not ever shatter her world if I could keep from doing so.

Did the person who committed the transgression have trouble in subsequent relationships because of the adultery?

Amy: He is on his fifth girlfriend in three and a half years, but in his defense, he has lived with this one almost 2 years. The current girlfriend has cheated on him. That is what he told me, so perhaps these two deserve each other.

Jennifer: Never, he has always been faithful in his relationships. The guilt of his cheating was making him sick physically and mentally because he had never committed such an act before.

Randy: She did have trouble but it was more for dating people who were drunks or druggies like her and later got back with her husband.

Gill: I don't know what happened to the guys and their wives as I get out and stay out but for myself there have never been any enduring problems.

Michy: Sadly, it seems to me that the people who cheat usually have another relationship lined up to go to before they ever get out of the first one, so they just move from one person to another to another.

It's always seemed somehow 'wrong' to me that the cheaters could always find someone to be with when I have never cheated in my life and had trouble sometimes. I consoled myself with realizing their relationships had to be very superficial.

Elle: No. He is still married. As far as I know, his wife did not know about the affair. He had no intention of leaving her, and I did not want him to do so.

Do you believe a person can change their ways and not cheat in later relationships?

Amy: No. He has cheated on her, seen this first hand as he often flirts with me. I will not touch him, because I have seen some of the people he has dated (yes people he is now bi)

Jennifer: I do. I just think it depends on both people in the couple. Both people have to work to make a good relationship. Relationships, and what is given in relationships, can never be one sided or it won't work.

Randy: I used to say once a cheater, always a cheater and mostly feel that way now. However, I do think people can change with age, but usually don't.

Gill: I am sure people can and do but in my experience, it happens again and again so I don't consider it to be the norm.

Michy: I think it depends on the reasons for the infidelity anyway. I don't believe 'once a cheater always a cheater', but I also think that people who cheat probably have some internal issues that should be addressed before they move on to a new relationship. Cheating is almost never because of the other person. It's almost always because of an unresolved issue in the cheater's life. If they resolve that issue, I think it's possible for them to be true to someone in the future.

Elle: Yes.

Do you have any advice for anyone dating someone who committed adultery in the past?

Amy: Do not do it, they do not change. In his case, I think it is a sexual addiction.

Jennifer: Not really. I think, just watch them for personality changes. I think that is the biggest sign. But I suppose that would only apply to the ones who feel guilty about it.

Randy: Yes. You should neither beat yourself up for past mistakes, nor ignore them. It was not a small thing you did but you can't change the past.

Gill: Don't trust them. They will 99.9% do it again.

Michy: Open communication and total honesty, from both partners, is absolutely essential in any relationship, but particularly when the risk or threat of infidelity looms over your head. For the person who cheated, honesty and building trust is required. For the other partner, letting the 'cheating cloud' hang over the other's head will lead to suspicion and guilt and other issues.

Every relationship is unique, and every person will be different in every different relationship.

Elle: Each relationship is individual and separate. Sometimes people do follow patterns, but patterns can be broken. Allow each person to grow and become. We don't always stay the same person.

There you have it. Which Viewpoint member do you agree with?