Once a Cheater's Wife, Always a Doormat?

Recently, I have seen several television programs featuring stories about men cheating on their wives. Almost always, you will see the host of the show say "Well, if it were me, I'd have left him and never looked back." Or you'll hear things like "Once a cheater, always a cheater." If, for any reason, the woman stays with her husband, she is seen as weak or stupid. People often assume that these women have low self-esteem, that they must think ill of themselves to stay with "a man like that." I don't think so.

Our society is made up of human beings. And, as much as some people hate to admit it, humans are animals. We all have instincts, urges, emotions and flaws. All of these things cause us to make mistakes on a daily basis. Some mistakes are worse than others, and very few of them are predictable. One of the biggest mistakes a person can make is to betray those they love, but, in most cases, it is just that, a mistake. One that hurts that person deeper than most will ever know.

I am not, by any means, excusing cheating as okay, but sometimes people just make mistakes. To prevent your spouse from cheating, first you must understand why it happens. There are several factors that drive a person to cheat on someone. Some of them can be prevented or remedied, stopping the cheating before it starts. Some of them are unfixable. The key is to know the difference.

One of the most common factors is loneliness. Even if the couple has been happily married for 5 years, has a nice home, beautiful children and a stable financial situation they can still be lonely. They can play their parts, love each other, spend time together and respect each other, but if one of them feels like something is missing, the window opens. Sometimes the routine is just too perfect. Sometimes the pressure of being good is too much. Sometimes it's just flat boredom with the same old thing. One person thinks everything is fine, but the other is feeling fatigued, stressed and bored. This drastic separation of minds is what makes a happily married person lonely, and, eventually, lonely people go looking for a new companion to make them feel better.

The second factor is sexual frustration. These people are sometimes bored by the same old thing. They are just seeking something new and different to get their blood pumping again. Or, they don't feel attracted to the person they're with anymore. These ones are looking for that sexual "umph" that made them want their mate in the first place, which is sometimes lost because of physical appearance changes or changes in personality or attitude. Or, they feel oppressed by their mates traditionalism. One of the big things that a cheater is looking for is someone to help them explore their sexual fantasies. Sometimes the usual isn't enough. Or, they feel like they, themselves, aren't attractive to their mate anymore. Lack of interest or affection from their mate can cause one to go looking for that attention they crave somewhere else.

The last final, and most dreadful factor, is the lack of love for their mate. Sometimes, people just don't love or care enough about their mate to stay faithful.

As women, we have a natural desire to have a family, and we are willing to do just about anything to keep that family together. This includes forgiving a cheater. Some women are just fooling themselves into thinking that he won't cheat again. Some women have a legitimate reason for believing that their husband just made a mistake that he deeply regrets, and that he'll never do it again. The hard part is trying to figure out which is which. It's even harder when you're trying to figure out which category you and your husband fall into.

I know it is difficult, but I believe that most people deserve a second chance. I say "most" because some people are obviously beyond hope. These are the ones that show absolutely no remorse for what they have done. They don't appear to care about how much they've hurt their wife. They refuse to take any personal responsibility for their own actions. They cheat repeatedly. This is when, I feel, you should cut your losses and remove them from your life. They will do nothing but drag you down a long, hard road of sadness and pain until there is nothing left of the person you once were.

However, there are some that are worth giving another shot. Sometimes, they really did just make a horrible mistake that they will regret for the rest of their lives. I have found that these men, aside from loving men that have never cheated, are some of the best you can find. They know that what they did was wrong. They know that they hurt the person they love so badly that the scars may never heal. But... They beg and plead for forgiveness and a chance to prove that they will never let you experience that kind of pain again. They will spend the rest of their lives showing you that you are the most important thing in their life. The only thing left to do with one of those men is find out why they cheated in the first place, and make sure that it doesn't happen again.

It's a lot of hard work, but in the age of speed, most people just want to give up on the broken marriage and get a new one. They aren't willing to put in the time and effort to bring their marriage to it's full potential. Some things are stronger after they are repaired than they are in the beginning. What I don't understand is why the lazy and judgmental feel the need to talk down to anyone willing to try? Who are they to say that their way is the only way? Who are they to criticize two people that just want to give happiness with each other another go? If they fail, they will learn from it and move on. But, if they succeed, they will enjoy a happy, loving life together. Why would anyone want to get in the way of that?