One Lesbian's Perspective: How PTSD Can Affect Lesbian Relationships

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be brought about by many horrible scenarios. Something very horrible may have happened once to cause PTSD, or it can be caused by repeated traumatic situations. While PTSD can be caused by events such as wars, witnessing a murder, rape, molestation, or other abuse, this article focuses mainly on PTSD caused by sexual abuse. Although the article, "Living with Your Partner's PTSD" is an excellent article, I felt that another article needed to be written. Not all women dealing with PTSD due to sexual abuse are straight. Many lesbians are also dealing with PTSD, and there are many differences in how PTSD affects lesbian relationships vs. heterosexual relationships.

While women may also suffer sexual abuse at the hands of other women, it is more likely that they have suffered abuse at the hands of men. Many people say that this is why women "become" lesbians. However, this really isn't the case. Lesbians can be sexually abused just like heterosexual women can. Abusers do not discriminate. After being abused by men, women are not going to easily trust men again. However, this doesn't mean that your girlfriend will instantly trust you because you are a woman. In any relationship, you have to earn your partner's trust and they must earn yours. When your girlfriend has PTSD, you must do even more to earn their trust, especially in the bedroom. Remember, your partner was sexually abused. This doesn't mean that they won't enjoy sex, but you will need to earn their trust more especially at first. Even though you aren't a man, you can still trigger flashbacks by doing the wrong thing. It may be a good idea to talk to each other and get an idea for what is acceptable and what is not. Women with PTSD often have sexual hang-ups. Talk about them first so that you are informed. Be willing to stop anything you are doing at any time if they become uncomfortable. This is not really a sacrifice at all, as you should be willing to do so in any relationship (and they should be willing to stop anything they're doing that you don't like as well). Realize that these sexual hang-ups are not caused by you. Your partner is in no way saying that you are inadequate or that they don't like you in the bedroom. Your girlfriend had a horrible experience (or several horrible experiences), and even though they could in no way be considered "making love", some things that would normally be considered pleasurable might just hit too close to a bad spot for your girlfriend. Be sensitive and learn what you need to do to win trust. Sometimes it can be easier to use sex toys at first. Even though it may seem like a dildo might be too close to a penis (and in some cases it might be), sometimes toys are better because they aren't human. Your sexual relationship together will progress as time goes on and as you earn your girlfriend's trust. Even if at times it seems as if you'll never earn her trust, it is definitely worth it if you love her. Never push her too far. Most likely, she will also be careful about not wanting to ever hurt you either. Some things just take time and you have to remember that if you've never been abused, you don't know what it's like.

Aside from having an effect on sexual aspects of your relationship, your girlfriend's PTSD may also have an effect on other parts of the relationship. Going to social outings, especially with others who are strangers to your girlfriend, may prove to be frightening for her. Staying with her and assuring her that you'd never put her in harms way will help. Going to parties where you both know at least a few people would be even better. Even if you're going to parties that only include other women, or only women and gay men, it's still better if you both know a few people. Even though no one there should be perceived as a threat, it can still be overwhelming to be in such a crowd of strangers. If your girlfriend starts to look nervous, don't leave her side. Sufferers of PTSD often get "lost". This kind of lost is not the same as when you feel lost because you just took 3 wrong turns and now have no idea where you are. Instead, the PTSD sufferer will seemingly go back in time and relive the past. They will think that they are somewhere else, somewhere where something horrible happened to them. They will not be at the party, they are being abused elsewhere. Do not let your girlfriend be lost and alone. Stay with her and it will pass. Assure her that you are there and she is okay. It may sound silly, but it would be a good idea to keep reminding her of where you are. This absolutely does not mean that you should say, "Hey! Shape up, we're at Tina's party! Remember?" Instead, say something comforting such as, "It's okay, sweetie. We're at your friend Tina's house. I'm right here. We're at Tina's house. It's okay. I'm right here." If at all possible, go into another room. Getting "lost" can also happen in your own house or apartment as well. Just remind your girlfriend that you are right there, that right there is in your house, and that everything will be okay. Some PTSD sufferers have auditory hallucinations as well, where they may hear everything from their past. By talking to them, you may be cutting into that and helping to break them out of where they are in their mind. They can't control when this will happen to them. It may be at a game, a party, or at home. If you have to leave a few social functions early, so what. Your girlfriend should be more important to you than any small thing you may feel that you missed out on. Don't force your girlfriend to be comfortable when she is not.

Therapy and medications can help, but don't expect miracles to happen overnight. You can help your girlfriend by making sure she knows that you will be there for her no matter what. Help her to remember to take her medications if she is on any. Don't belittle anyone for getting treatment for a mental condition, especially not your own girlfriend. If you have an infection, you take antibiotics. Imagine you were raped. You are reliving the most horrible day of your life over and over again, at unexpected times. Sometimes you would realistically need to be calmed down with medications. While you hopefully will never have to live through what they experienced to find out for yourself, you should try to understand as much as possible about their condition. They have it much worse than you do, they are actually living with PTSD. They are not intentionally experiencing anything from their past, it just happens to them. Support them in their effort to get their life as normal as possible even after such horrible abuse.

If you truly love your girlfriend, you do not have to let PTSD stand in the way of a normal relationship. What's normal anyway? Heterosexuals often tell us that our relationships are abnormal to begin with. If you love your girlfriend, working harder to earn her trust should not seem like a chore. Rather, you will find that you get even more enjoyment out of something once you pass a barrier together. If you are a compassionate person, you will find a wonderful relationship despite the PTSD. You and your partner may develop an extraordinary level of trust for each other after awhile, and a love deeper than you ever would have thought imaginable.