One-Night Stands - a Woman's Guide

This 'Woman's guide to having a successful one night stand' will show you how to hook that fish and then release him in the morning, guilt free. At some point or other, we ladies also have an itch that we need to scratch. There is a lot to be said about having sex like a Man. No strings, no feelings - no problem! But is that always the case? If you follow the one night stand guide, then yes, I believe it is.

In following these simple steps, you will not only be ready for the catch of the day, you will also have turned vegan by the morning:

Before leaving the house

Make a mental check list of things you have/have not already done. This will save embarrassment later when you have bagged that bloke. Even though it is for one night only, you don't want to get a bad reputation for being lazy, unhygienic or god forbid - grotesque!

Must Dos

Depending on where you are going, be sure to have at least some make up on and you don't look as if you have just crawled out of a bin.

Make sure that you shaved your legs, arm pits and moustache (if applicable).

Is your lady area a disgrace to the entire nation? If so, get the Veet out immediately and apply with vigor!

Check your aroma - Natural musk is a no no. Find that perfume that you love and slap it on. If you find that you have over done it with the perfume and realize that you smell like a Turkish Harem, tone it down before leaving the house. It's good to smell good but it cheap to smell as if you belong in fore mentioned Turkish Harem!

OK - So you're good to go? Well let's go get 'em!

Knowing how, where and who to Target

You can find a bloke anywhere. You could be out on the town, in a supermarket, ordering a take away or even in the launderette - at any point throughout the day or night you could start the hunt. The easiest place to find a half decent man to fill that urge is possibly somewhere where there is alcohol. Being in a bar makes things easier as the flow of alcohol covers up a multitude of sins on both sides. Now we do not have to be stunning to bag a bloke - nope, all it takes is a little gentle persuasion and knowledge.

Key 1 - The Glancing Game

Finding that fish. Keep glancing until you spot someone that takes your fancy (you have to think the guy is cute or what's the point?). Found him? Then play the game - glance away and then back again a few times. A guy likes a bit of mystery, so play it cool, do not stare the poor fellow out of the bar and have him running for cover! After a couple of shy glances, he will get the picture, if not - move on and start the glancing game again with someone who has got a brain (or a horn).

Key 2 -Perfect Timing!

Take note of the time - timing is of utmost importance. If you move in for the kill to early, you may stand to loose the guy in question to another drink/club/friends/or dare I say it - another catch. The glancing game should only take effect towards the later part of the evening. You need to keep that Fish interested, as after all that work hooking your fish, you most certainly would not want to loose him just because you had not taken note of timings!

So, you have now found one that is worthy and the timing is right. Well done for almost securing the catch of the day!

Key 3 - Last Minute Checks

Head off to the ladies. Check you hair, eyebrows, lip stick, and powder that nose. Also, check your teeth - teeth are greatly important, as at the last minute, you could ruin your work if he notices your evening meal hanging out of your front teeth. If it was the opposite way round, you would be awfully upset too. Lastly and most importantly, never leave it up to the bloke to sort out the protection. Give the ladies a scan for the Durex machine and grab a couple to go.

When you are satisfied you look more than fabulous head out and reel that sucker in.

Key 4 - The Approach

You have been the 'mysterious', 'girly' and 'flirtatious' girl all evening - now you need to be 'girl with attitude'. Look that fish square in the eyes and hold. Hold for a few seconds. He needs to know that you mean business, but at the same time, he also has to think that it was his idea to come over (Men like to think they rule the world).

He is on his way over - you notice your glass is near enough full - PANIC STATIONS - knock it over, pour it away, turn around and knock it back - whatever you do - get rid of that drink! Blokes need an opening, so let's make it easy for them.

Tip - Ordering treble vodkas followed by tequila shooters may put you in danger of not just passing out before having that said one night stand, but also by making an arse of ones self by spewing your load for all to see.
They key to this point is to not be absolutely horrifically paralytic. You would like to remember your conquest in the morning.

The conversation is flowing and you seem to be getting on OK. Do not chat for too long a period of time and do not reveal anything at all personal. You can even give a false name, as you will never see your fish again after this night. My favorite false name to use is Jennifer.

You now need to subtlety let him know you would like to head home. A couple of knowing looks and a brush of his arm should let him know it would not be an awful experience if he would like to join you.

His Home or Yours?

The trick here is to make sure you get invited back to his place so you can avoid any awkwardness for the morning. As you never want to see your fish again, you need to avoid issues like him offering to take you out for brunch, asking for your number, asking when he can see you again, etc. If you go back to his place you can sneak away before day break, or at least make an excuse that you have an important meeting that you have to rush off to, a sick relative to visit or are due for jury duty.

The Morning After

You have done what you intended upon doing, your itch has been successfully scratched (or at least that urge has now been tended to). Its now time to get the hell out of there. Which ever excuse you have decided to use or if you have opted to make a run for it while the beauty sleeps, do it NOW.

Do not start to think of your one night stand in any other way than what you needed him to be. Don't be lured into wondering 'what if he took me out for brunch' or 'I wonder if he will ask for my number?' You are setting yourself up for a fall. The reason being, that he will also have been playing the same game as you the night before. How do I know this? Well - Nice girls don't sleep with the guy on the first initial evening. Nice boys don't drag you back to their pad for a night of passion within the first 2 hours of meeting you. You have both gotten what you wanted out of the evening, don't spoil it now.

Home Free

If you can get back to the sanctuary of your own home, without leaving your phone number, knickers, any personal effects including your name, with your one night stand, then you have succeeded.

Congratulations - you have accomplished the PERFECT one night stand.

Louise Bell 'A Womans Guide to a One Night Stand' Associated Content