One Parent's Opinion: Spanking

If you find joy in causing controversy, all you need to do is to go to any parenting message forum or chat room, and simply type, "spanking- yea or nay?" Then sit back and watch the sparks- not to mention accusations, links and statistics- fly.

Spanking advocates argue that spanking is a tried and true, tested form of discipline. They claim that allowing a child to get off too easy when he misbehaves will only encourage more bad behavior. Physical punishment administered in a controlled manner for more serious offenses will prompt the child to make better choices and heed warnings in order to avert the punishment. Many of them were spanked and it did not harm them- in fact, they are grateful that their parents set strict boundaries and followed through with spankings to teach them lessons. They look around today and marvel at how many badly behaved children there are, and directly equate it to the non-spanking movement.

Those who have pitched tents in the anti-spanking camp argue that spanking is merely a last resort for failed parenting skills. Some even would go so far as to call mild swats on a clothed behind abusive behavior. The feel that spanking a child only teaches the child aggressive behavior, and that a person in a power position is justified in physically assaulting a person in a weaker position when they don't like what they're doing. Many of them were spanked when they were younger and feel their parents were being rash and impatient- rather than behaving out of respect, they behaved out of fear. They look around today and marvel at how many badly behaved children there are, and directly equate it aggressiveness and lack of respect for authority arising from being spanked too often.

I personally believe that comparing any kind of spanking to abuse is going overboard. Certainly there are parents who stretch their definition of spanking too far, but I do not believe that the majority of parents who will swat their children are causing serious harm or lasting scars. I believe parents who spank can still be loving, caring, good parents with the best intentions. I don't believe that a parent should land in jail for a simple spanking, or that their child who loved them would be better off in the foster care system away from her family. I do believe children can be brought up in a home that uses spanking as a method of discipline and turn out to be well-adjusted, happy adults- adults who can grow up to love their parents and have a good relationship with them.

Likewise, parents who do not spank do not necessarily fail in disciplining their children. Non-spanking parents can make good use of positive reinforcement (complimenting children for good behavior) and negative reinforcement (reminding children of limits and rules), and, when necessary, can punish a child effectively without spanking them. Time outs, loss of privileges, and assignment of unpleasant tasks (such as writing lines, or doing extra chores) have proven to be just as effective a deterrent to bad behavior as spanking can be.

The key is really not in the method of punishment one chooses, but in the consistency with which it is measured out. Any method of punishment- spanking or non-spanking- can fail if it is not consistent.

For instance, if a parent only spanks or takes away privileges sometimes when a child acts out, and sometimes just complains and makes threats without following through, and sometimes just ignores or forgives the behavior, the boundaries become unclear to the child. Their developing brains urge them to test those boundaries, which will increase, rather than decrease, the undesired behavior.

When it comes down to it, a parent needs to worry more about deterring bad behavior, and being consistent with dealing bad behavior- not in the method of punishment they choose to remedy bad behavior. That said, I believe it makes spanking completely unnecessary. To me, it is pointless to spank a child if you are not disciplining consistently and effectively in other ways, because harsh erratic punishments will teach a child aggressive behavior. And if you are disciplining consistently and effective in other ways, why go to the extreme of spanking when there are many other methods of punishment to employ? It's akin to using a sledgehammer to crack a nut- sure, it might work, but a simple nut cracker would have been the easiest and most reasonable approach.

However, I will applaud any parent that uses spankings as part of an overall approach to effective discipline, because in the long run it is far better than inconsistent discipline- or no discipline at all.