Online Dating: Should You Date Someone Who is "Currently Separated" ?

So you're scanning your favorite online dating site and have found a promising profile of someone who says they are "currently separated". You've been there. We all have if we're back in the dating pool after a failed marriage. So why not send them an email or a wink and see where it takes you?

This may well be a great candidate for soul mate. It could be a terrific guy or gal with all the attributes you've been looking for. But then again, there are a number of issues particular to the "currently separated" that may make them a risky choice for dating, especially if your heart is really ready for true love.

Consider the following four reasons to take it slow and with your eyes wide open when you date someone who is "currently separated":

1. It aint over 'til it's over.

Perhaps this is obvious, but it certainly warrants a warning: If a man or woman's divorce is not final, there is still a chance they will reunite with their previous spouse. So there you are, falling head over heels in love with them - probably providing the shoulder they cry on as they grieve over the demise of their relationship or as they download the torrid tales of their miserable marriage - when they suddenly announce that they've decided to give their almost-ex one more go 'round. Ouch!

2. Broken hearts need time to mend.

When a marriage of any length ends, hearts thrust back into single-hood will likely have a significant amount of grieving and processing to do. The end of a marriage is, for many, much like a death. It is the end of a dream, the end of a known and comfortable way of life, even if it had become miserable. They may still have feelings for their nearly ex-spouse, even if the marriage has no chance of being resurrected. Or there may be so many questions left to resolve: Why did their marriage end? What part did they play in it? Are they still feeling hurt, betrayed, damaged, wronged? Or are they, perhaps, still in denial about what really happened?

Emotions may run the gamut as the "currently separated" person works through their failed marriage as well as the legal process of the divorce. While dating someone new can provide welcome support and a welcome distraction, if it distracts them from honestly working through these issues, they will not be truly ready for a new and healthy relationship. Chances are, in fact, while you may be a valued friend when they are in this troubled stage, you may not be the person they would choose when fully healed and back to being "themselves" - Another potentially painful scenario for you, if you are sincerely ready for permanent love and commitment.

3. Most "rebound" relationships don't actually make it through the hoop.

For other people, the end of their marriage may leave them with little need for grieving. In my case, my 20+ year marriage had been so bad for so long, I was not only relieved when my ex left, I was overjoyed! I was ecstatic to have a chance to find a "good" man to replace him. And I dated like crazy, dining, dancing, going to places I hadn't been in years or hadn't dreamed I'd ever even get to see. I received three proposals of marriage in the first year after I separated. Accepting the third, I was engaged for almost a year. Yet, in the end, when my divorce was finally final and I was no longer just "currently separated", I broke up with my fiancé.

As much as it shames me to admit it now, I really wasn't ready. I thought I was. But these poor guys were just my "rebound" relationships. And I've seen it in some of the gentlemen I've dated since. So hungry to be treated nicely and to enjoy a relationship where, quite frankly, the other person doesn't know you well enough to see your flaws, many people fresh out of a difficult marriage will rush into another relationship before they've even had a chance to catch their breath, contemplate what went wrong and figure out how they can do better next time around.

I regret hurting others when I was in that stage. But I understand now where others are coming from at that point - And I know enough to keep my excitement in check when I consider dating someone who is "currently separated", someone freshly out of a long relationship or marriage. While there are some cases where rebound relationships work and the newly formed couple lives happily ever after, sadly it is far from the norm. And if you've been single for quite some time and truly are ready to settle down once again, becoming involved with a likely rebounder can be a very painful experience.

4. It's not all about you. (Aka: Do you really want to be a home wrecker?)

No, no, I understand they really are "currently separated", that they were up front about it and they are telling you that their marriage is over. But if the ink hasn't dried on their divorce decree, they are really, techinically still married and getting into a relationship with you can only contribute to nailing the coffin on that marriage. Rather than giving their marriage every possible chance, they are instead out with you, laughing and dining and dancing the night away. In fact, many will even break their vows in this stage, feeling it is all right since they are separated, even though they are still actually married. But how much better does your new relationship feel to them? With you cooing over his or her attractiveness, cleverness and charm and with no past, no baggage, none of the realities of life detracting from this rosy picture, what chance can their previous relationship, suffering now with a history of harsh words and disappointments, really have?

Even more important, though, is when there are children involved. As much as we adults suffer because of separation and divorce, it is the children that suffer the most. During this most difficult time, isn't it far more important that parents should spend as much time as they can with their kids, reassuring them of their love and that they'll always be there for them, rather than out dating others?

I don't know about you, but I don't want anything to do with contributing to the end of a marriage or the final destruction of a family, any more than I would want someone else to ever take advantage of the opportunity to possibly end mine. Marriage and family are sacred things and should be given every chance to make it. Consider, too, that charming the "currently separated" those final steps away from their family could end up back-firing, as resentments by the kids, and even your new love, could undermine your relationship down the road.

It is true that the majority of marriages will end in divorce once the couple has separated. Still, while it's not impossible to meet your soul mate and begin a wonderful and lasting relationship during this stage, it is still wise to take it slowly and understand what you're getting into when you date someone who is currently separated. If your relationship is truly meant to be, it will be all the stronger for your being considerate of your new dating interest's family circumstances and the fragile condition of his or her heart. In the end, you can't go wrong by erring on the side of caution when deciding to date the "currently separated".