Online Dating Nightmares

My godsister warned me about online dating, after a guy stood me up for a meeting at this big arcade/bar. She said that guys who dated online were all crazy, but I reasoned that guys who got online walked the streets like everybody else. If it was okay for me to get someone's number at a mall, a bus stop, a party, or anywhere else, then I could go out with someone I met over the computer. But I didn't get online with the intentions of dating anybody. I just joined a popular African-American website and a popular college website in hopes to chat. Great conversations online were tricky situations. One minute they were like good dreams under the comforter on a cold day. When the encounters were too deep, Freddy Krueger showed his face. And now folks, I'll introduce you to these nightmares!

Nightmare #1: I'll call the first guy I met "Bird." Bird was 6'5, with smooth skin, a muscular build, and worked with a record company that met a lot of celebrities. On his site, he had photos with everybody under the sun. He and I initially chatted about music because I was a freelance music writer and he owned an entertainment company. I thought he was 100% cool. One day I was headed to work and this extremely tall guy caught my attention. Tall people are a #1 turn-on to me so of course I looked. We both smiled, not because of attraction, but because we recognized each other. It was Bird. Two months of chatting with Bird online, no date ever set up, and accidentally seeing him walking down the streets in busy downtown Chicago convinced me that he and I were meant to meet. I reached my arms up and he scooped down on my 5'3 frame. But then I heard his voice, squeaky enough to be a bird's. Well, no one is perfect. I ignored it. We spoke briefly, agreed to call each other to set up a future date, and before we could set it up, I saw him at a Ludacris concert. It didn't surprise me to see him there because he dealt with so many celebrities. I was actually more convinced that he and I were meant to meet by this happening twice. But the longer I stood talking to him on the crowded dance floor, the more I noticed that he walked with a switch, complained as much as bitter women watching "Waiting to Exhale," and had a smart mouth. The whole time he complimented me on the outfit I wore, the more I wondered when he was going to realize he was gay.

Nightmare #2: I'll call the second guy I met "Bath." He was an aspiring deejay who'd just graduated from Southern Illinois University. What attracted me to him was his leather brown jacket, neat haircut, and pretty teeth. After a few meaningless conversations, I figured Bath was cool and gave him my phone number. I was a little thrown off that he called me four times in two hours but I figured that since he was trying to set up a date, maybe that was normal. We ended up meeting in front of Old Navy to go to Portillo's. But before he got there, I saw two other guys I used to hang out with. It was strange to see these old friends at the same time I was waiting on another guy. I didn't want to be rude and shoo them away, because it would look like I was a player. But at the same time, I wanted to ask them to hang around just in case Bath didn't look like his photos. My two guy friends ended up leaving after we exchanged phone numbers once again to keep in touch. A few seconds later, Bath walked by, tapped me on the shoulder, and kept walking. Although he was shorter and slightly bigger than he looked on the photos, he was an alright-looking guy. But he ran his mouth like water in a bathtub. I understood why he wanted to be a deejay immediately. When we got to Portillo's (a restaurant I'd never been to), he ordered his food, the cashier asked if he wanted anything else, he said "No", picked up his food, and sat down. Why a man would invite a woman on a date, not tell her they're going Dutch, and then try to eat in front of her, I will never understand. I glared at him and he said "Oh what? You were hungry. Well, you can have some of my fries if you want 'em." I stood up and said "No. I want to leave." I walked out the restaurant, jumped on the phone to call a friend, and got my FREE meal an hour later. I got home, blocked his e-mail address, deleted him from my friends list, and changed my cell phone number.

Nightmare #3: I'll call the third guy "Car." He and I talked several times about hip-hop and he told me he was co-owner of a music company. He invited me to a club he threw reggae parties at, I went with two of my girls, and had a ball. He didn't know who I was but I knew who he was, because the deejay announced him. Plus, I recognized his photo. So I walked up, told him the party was great, he thanked me politely, and still didn't know who I was. He ended up dancing with one of my girls and we left later on that night. The next day Car sent me a note asking me what was up and I asked him did he remember a girl in a maroon outfit at the club last night. He was surprised that that was me and asked me to go out with him again. We went out the very next weekend. He was from the Bronx and I dug the arrogant attitude, but he blew me away when he informed me that he'd call me "Shorty" because he didn't like my real name. After that remark, it all went downhill. The guy told me this grand lie about how he left New York to take care of his mother after a bus accident, but he brought no clothes and left his Expedition. Four months later, he returned for nothing. I can't see someone leaving their truck in another state for four months, along with all of their stuff unless they were on the run. He tried to make me his taxicab, and I got bored, claimed me as his girlfriend although we'd never even kissed, and told me my personality was intimidating. Now how can a man who renamed me be shy and a liar? Moving on to Dream #1.

Dream #1: I can't call "Seat" Nightmare #4 because he was a good guy. He treated me to the movies and we stopped at a restaurant. But I was still in the middle of confusion with Car. I actually went out with Seat on Car's birthday. I probably would've liked Seat had he not felt my butt when I hugged him at the end of the date. For him to grope me, it immediately told me what was on his mind.

Nightmare #5: After Bird, Bath, Car and Seat, I was frustrated with the online dating scene. I made a point of writing my Top 35 Turn-ons and Turn-offs and posted them on this popular African-American site I had a page on. I wanted to make it very clear what I would and would not tolerate. A guy I'll call "Fat" replied to my page and we had a few conversations. Those conversations led to instant messenger. One night, I told him I was going to take a break from the computer to take a shower. A half hour later, I came back and he sends me a message saying "It took you a long time to finish your shower. I didn't know you were fat." I snapped. For the next 30 minutes, I balled him out online about how tacky that comment was but he said he meant it as a joke. He and I went out a week later and he deserved an award for being the only person on Earth who could make a walk on the beach seem like torture. While I looked out over Lake Michigan with sand on my feet, he proceeded to tell me my toenail polish was sloppy, the mother of his child was fat, complained about getting custody of his child, jumped when his phone rang and complained about sand getting on his gym shoes. When we were walking back, I jumped from one rock to the next; he turned around and went "I heard the Earth move." At 145 lbs. and a Bally's instructor telling me I'm in great shape, I was absolutely offended. For a man to insult my weight at a size that I was perfectly comfortable with, it was obvious to me that he'd be a complete jerk if I ever really did gain weight. We walked back to his car quietly and he turned to hug me. I put out my hand. He looked down disappointed. He instant messaged me when he got home, we had a few arguments over his weight comments, bitterness to the son of his mother, and his attitude in general. Out of all five, I was sure he was the biggest jerk I'd ever meet.

That is…until Nightmare #6 came along. I'll call him "Gap" because I was forewarned that he had a gap in his two front teeth. From the photo I saw of him, he was gorgeous. When I saw him in person, he was shorter than I expected, wore a white t-shirt so long that it should've been a gown, and had a bullet wound across his cheek. I still gave him a chance. Even with the gap in between his teeth and the bullet wound, he was a pretty good-looking guy, an eight on a scale of 1-10. But I found out the mother of his child was playing games about him seeing his child, which only led me to flashbacks of Fat. I sighed and got ready to dodge him. But this guy was so much like me personality-wise and we had great dates. We went out for a couple months to the show, hung out at each other's houses, and continuously sat by my favorite hang-out in front of Lake Michigan. One time we watched shooting stars and the moon late at night, while we drank wine. Straight out of a fairy-tale. I thought I'd lucked out. Then the dummy told me he was an ex-drug dealer; his son's mother could be pregnant with another child by him; his father (a teacher) moved in with Gap because his father was fired for drinking on the job; his mother was diagnosed as psychotic; and his sister was dying of a deadly disease. Talk about baggage! When the guy asked me to buy him a bus card on my credit card and for a cell phone, I let him go quickly. He was like a child with his hands out asking for any toy in site and I never gave him a dime.

And after six nightmares, I'll never do it again. Never! But there is that one guy on this other site…hmmm….