Online Dating: Secrets of Success (Part I)

Online dating, once the province of the unlucky, the unattractive, and the fringe, has become as ubiquitous as the Blackberry - even the boss is using it. This rise in popularity has been due to a number of unique advantages offered by online dating, including anonymity, speed, access, and relative safety. Hiding behind a well-written profile, even Quasimodo can transform himself into Casanova, but therein lies the rub.

Online daters have become so disenchanted with all the Dr. Jekyll profiles that turn up as Mr. Hyde when it comes time for the real world meet-and-greet, that they approach every new prospect with their drawbridge up and dragons in the moat. The question naturally follows - how does one breach the impenetrable fortress? After all, the dating sites cost both money and time, so you may as well optimize your performance. Regardless of whether your end goal is true love or some fun in the sun, the right approach is vital to ultimate success.

The first key realization is that photographs are critical. In this day and age, we want to sample before we buy. If there are no pictures in your profile, the automatic assumption is that you are too ugly, deformed, or otherwise misshapen for the light of day. You can claim to be a supermodel or an Olympic athlete - it doesn't matter - if there is no photograph, you are throwing away the lottery ticket before the numbers are even announced.

What if you are not the world's most attractive human being? Let's face it most of us are not. In that case, you should still post a photograph. If you ever plan to see your online honey in the real world, you will have to present yourself in all your naked, so to speak, glory. By postponing their disappointment, you are only making it worse both for them and yourself. Of course, that is not to say that you should not seek to post complementary pictures. On the contrary, use your best glamour shots - but they should still bear a resemblance to your real world self. You may have looked good at 100 lbs. less and a full head of hair in college, but that was 10 years ago! Use the 80/20 rule - if the picture is at least 80% of the way you look today, then it's good to go. Otherwise, you're only perpetuating the Jekyll/Hyde problem and making all the other online daters that much more skittish.

When you begin to write back and forth with a prospective online date, you are investing a material amount of your time and energy into the interaction. If this entire investment is negated when the date meets you at a coffee shop or restaurant and sees that you look nothing like your picture, s/he will feel cheated and upset, and likely never want to speak to you again. The 80/20 rule allows you to avoid this problem.

One last note on the photographs - try to avoid grainy or out-of-focus images, and if possible, post multiple photographs. Prospective online dates will feel much more comfortable if they feel like they really know what you look like. Beauty may be skin deep, but so are first impressions. And in the fast-paced world of online dating, a first impression is all you have.

Now, on to the personal description. Most online dating sites exhort you to "just be yourself" and "be honest" in describing who you are and what you're all about. Like most general advice, this works - up to a point. I can "be honest" and tell you that I am a nice guy who is into community service and likes to watch movies and travel to interesting places. Of course, by the time you get to the end of that sentence, you are already yawning and clicking "next". On the other hand, if I tell you that I volunteer at an inner city school, attended the premiere of Star Wars with George Lucas, and scaled Mount Everest, I might suddenly grab your attention. I'm still giving you the same information - community service, movies, travel - but now I'm showing instead of telling, and that makes all the difference. So to spice up your online dating profile, show, don't tell what you've done. Like they tell you at a job interview - give examples! Everyone loves a story.

So now you've created an interesting profile, uploaded your best 80/20 photographs, and all that remains is that all-important tagline that prospective online dates will use to decide whether to click on your profile. How do you create a tagline that is unbeatable? There is no one sure-fire strategy, but try to think about the sort of person you want to read your profile. Who do you want attracted to you? Based on that, decide which of your best qualities that person might find attractive. In addition, rather than a descriptor (ie, "attractive, sensitive and open-minded man"), try for a call to action (ie, "let's get together for a candle-lit dinner, my treat!") This will allow you to stand out and send a strong subliminal message saying "click on this profile!"

You are now ready to brave the online dating waters. Remember though: this is only a start. In the future, we will discuss interaction strategies, compare specific sites, and map out the process of going from the first e-hello to a real life relationship.