Online Dating: Secrets of Success (Part II)

Just in case you missed Online Dating: Secrets of Success, Part I, here's a quick catch-up: make sure you post photos and the photos you post bear at least 80% resemblance to the way you look (that's the way you look today, folks, not the way you looked ten years ago - be sure not to get those tenses confused); show rather than tell in your profile (nobody likes a list, but everyone adores an examples); and use an action phrase in your tagline instead of a descriptor (that is to say "let's take a trip somewhere exotic" rather than "gentle, yet muscle-bound giant").

The advice in Part I was focused on creating a profile. That's nice and dandy, some of you may say, but once I have a profile - where should I post it? After all, there are more online dating sites out there than retirees in Florida. How to choose? The key metric, of course, is effectiveness. That is to say - how many people that you might be interested in are likely to be on that particular site. So the first step is to decide the kind of person you might be interested in.

Pretend for a moment that you are in the real world rather than the online world (a stretch, I know). Where would you go to maximize your chances of meeting the kind of girl/boy that you are interested in? Would it be one of those giant night clubs with multiple floors, disco balls, strobe lights, different DJs, several bars, and hundreds of sweaty, gyrating bodies? If you said yes, then get your tush over to Match.com. If a giant meat market is your style, then it doesn't get much larger or meatier than that.

On the other hand, if you are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and prefer to meet your special someone at a community service event, church gathering, or book reading, then you want to stay away from Match.com like the plague. Instead, you need to surf on over to eHarmony.com, a mecca for the take-it-slow, serious-relationship-wanted, please-be-gentle types. You see, my friends, eHarmony has taken "no pressure dating" and "taking things slow" to entirely new heights. First, you see just a portion of a prospective interest's profile. If you actually want to contact the prospective interest, first you fill out a questionnaire. Then, they fill out a questionnaire. If you still want to speak with them, then you ask for permission to send them a message. They decide whether to grant you permission. At that point, you may send them a message. They can then decide whether to show you one of their pictures or not. Then, you must climb to the top of the castle keep, battle the dragon, and…you get the idea. At eHarmony, wooing is the name of the game. Their motto should be "romance takes time" and if you agree, then you know where to go.

Perhaps you are somewhere in between. You are not a wild bar/club type, but you are not a gentle romantic either. You are either introduced to your dates by mutual friends or you meet them at cocktail parties, private events, or professional gatherings. In that case, point your browser to Yuppie.com…sorry, what I meant to say, of course, is Jdate.com. Wait, you exclaim, don't I have to be Jewish?! No, my naïve friends. You merely need to appreciate Jewish members of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on your preference, of course). Jdate is a mecca for young professionals, a surprising number of whom turn out to be blonde and blue-eyed bacon lovers who have heard of something called a "synagogue" but aren't exactly sure what it is or how it works. If your ideal mate is an educated, well-rounded, upwardly mobile young professional - maybe even an Ivy League graduate - then Jdate is calling your name.

As I look out at you, my friends, I am seeing a group that is still unsatisfied by the choices presented thus far. You are the hipsters - you are only reading this article out of curiosity, you don't really "dig" the "whole online dating thing", you'd rather be chilling at an alternative rock concert, or driving your alternative fuel car to a camping venue, or catching one of those art house flicks. I hear your plaintive cry, brothers and sisters and so does Lavalife.com. Head on over there. It's low-key, it's fun, it's hip, it's chill. It's all your favorite adjective rolled into one big happy online dating ball. Roll it around, play with it - life is too short for second-guessing.

Then there are the "regular" guys and gals among you, the American pie, motherhood, and stars 'n stripes crowd, the football and barbecue and QVC folks - everyone who makes this country great and beloved all around the world (a little sarcasm, no big deal, no need to throw those beer cans at me) The gates of Yahoo! Personals and True.com stand wide open, just waiting for you to march into their hallowed cyberhalls. Your special someone is waiting somewhere in those cyberhalls right now, so don't miss this special offer, sign up before it's too late…

Oh, look at the word count! You know what that means? It means that this particular installment of the Online Dating: Secrets of Success is grinding to a halt. It was a bit tongue-in-cheek, I must admit. However, I urge you to overlook the sarcasm,accept the (attempts at) humor, and not be derailed by the metaphors. The information is based on heavy empirical research and is a surprisingly decent reflection of the type of people you can expect on each of these sites. I realize how painful it may be to categorize yourself - so don't! Instead, categorize your prospective mate, and then go to the site where they are most likely to post a profile.

In the next installment of Online Dating: Secrets of Success, we are going to be discussing a critically important topic: how to hook 'em! Be sure to tune in. For now, happy dating. Stay safe or, barring that, make sure the juice is worth the squeeze.