Online Dating: How Soon Should You Meet in Person?

Online dating is an interesting way to meet people. It can give the illusion of allowing us to safely get to know someone by studying their profile, exchanging emails and IM's and then finally chatting on the phone. For many people this can go on for weeks, even months before they meet in person. By the time they do, they have often built up so much anticipation, gotten so excited, fallen so "in love" with their electronic paramour, they are just certain fireworks are going to explode overhead.

Alas, this is seldom the case. On the contrary, most online daters find themselves totally let down on their long anticipated first date. Having gone through it a number of times myself, I found that to be my experience, as well. While I thought I was being wise in "taking it slow" and really getting to know a guy, it turned out all I was doing was building an imaginary soul mate far different than the man who actually showed up.

Why does this happen?

First of all, when two people are on an online dating site, they're probably not going to really be "letting it all hang out". Instead, they're generally going to be putting their best foot forward in order to attract a love interest. I'm not even talking about lying, although that happens, too. But in any dating situation, online dating or otherwise, people are on their best behavior. Their profiles may wax poetic, answers to questions in emails may be sanitized, banter in IM's may be charming, and talk on the phone may be totally, exhilaratingly romantic.

But what we may miss with this arm's length approach to online dating are the little signs you can only see when you meet in person. Things like the string of pejoratives that may have escaped our potential love's mouth when he spilled his coffee on his keyboard while emailing us, or how she yelled at the kids while IMing with us or even how he treats the waitress when he asks us to hold the phone and covers the receiver. I once dated an attorney who took me to a lovely restaurant in the city. While awaiting our table, he proceeded to harangue the cocktail waitress when his drink wasn't just right. Worse yet, he wouldn't let it go. It was like he was litigating a murder trial: "Did you or did you NOT just bring me the wrong highball???" I'd been emailing and talking to him for weeks and I sure didn't see that coming. Nor did I see him again. There's nothing like meeting your on line date in person to really get a feel for the whole person before you invest too much time and emotion.

Another thing that almost invariably happens when we delay meeting our online date for too long, is we build up an image of what they look like in our minds. We may have a picture or two - or even many. But a two dimensional still photo of someone just doesn't give you the whole picture.

One of the first men I met when I first tried online dating sent me nineteen photos of himself. NINETEEN! But I'd swear none of them looked to me like the same guy. I think I sort of picked my favorites and that's the guy I visualized while we talked and laughed and shared our hearts for hours. But then when, at last, I did meet him, in walked Mr. Twenty. There I had felt like I knew him so well, but when I finally met him it was like starting all over again with a total stranger.

How someone looks is only part of the problem, though. What if your new lady friend just doesn't ... excuse me ... smell very pretty to you? What if she eats with her hands and picks her teeth with your business card? Gestures, facial expressions, body language all come into play in how we respond to someone. I was courted by one online dating friend for a while and he seemed very nice and very normal, but when I met him in person, his odd gesticulating was so distracting I just couldn't get past it. I'm sure some of my dates may have felt just as shocked when they first met me after building an image of me in their heads. How much better had we simply met sooner so we could either determine that we weren't right for each other or started our relationship experiencing the whole package from the beginning - You know, like the old fashioned way?

So what should you do?

What it comes down to is there's just something about that ole physical chemistry that can't be determined by email or phone. You've got to meet in person and the sooner the better. Online dating is still a terrific way to locate other singles that may interest you. But use it as a tool for just that: to locate potential dates. Then exchange a few emails, move on to the phone so you can hear their voice and see if you click, then arrange to meet for a short and casual first date in a public place to find out if you want to continue seeing them. At that moment, if the two of you choose to get to know each other better, you have just moved from online dating to plain old fashioned dating - The best of both worlds. And without the disappointment of investing time and emotions in a relationship that was never going to make it in the real world anyway.

For important online dating safety tips -

Click here to learn some online dating safety tips for before you meet.

Click here to learn online dating safety tips for that important first date.