Only the Talented!

I have been in a bit of a slump lately, so I have not been contributing as much as I usually do. There are the usual things like sick kids, worry for a terminally ill sister-in-law, the death of my best friend's father, money stresses and work issues. You know, the usual life things. However, I do have a bit of an entertaining story about my usual grace and talent that could provide a smile or a laugh for those who are in need of something funny to imagine.

To begin, I am one of those people who is immensely graceful on roller skates or a dance floor, but I can barely walk in a straight line without tripping over my own two feet. I can also trip over dogs, kids and any random object that may be in or out of the way. I am also quite able to fall up stairs, miss ice and slick spots and trip on dry land, as well as step on the most painful and the invisible toys that are always in my floor, just out of my sight.

There was the time after a huge storm that left enormous hail damage in its wake, and our power was out. After locating and lighting candles, I was walking down the stairs into the den. There are only three carpeted steps, but I managed to lose my footing and land on my ankle in the most painful way without dropping the candles or spilling any wax. How is that for talent? I had to wear a gel-cast and use crutches for a while, but there was no lasting damage or broken bones, thankfully.

Recently, after one of our rare snow and ice storms, I was retrieving some groceries from the truck, under the carport. I have to mention that there was no ice or even water in my path, but I managed to trip while going up the stairs. Three step that are very level, familiar and not unreasonably spaced. Somehow, I did not drop the groceries, but I skinned my knee through my jeans and left a lovely bruise on it and my shin. Like I said, I have talent!

One week ago, I was dealing with children who were sick, and I was not getting much rest at night. When I got up in the morning, I began to assist my husband in getting the children ready for their school day, since they were finally feeling better. For some reason our central heat has not been up to the task of heating the main part of the house, so we have moved mattresses to our den and are using the hide-a-bed in the that is in there, and we are using a couple of space heaters to sleep warmly.

In the interest of keeping our children warm while we get them dressed, we have been retrieving their clothing and bringing it to the den, or playroom, as we call it. I usually resemble a reanimated corpse in the morning, until I have had plenty of caffeine and my shower. At this point, I was my zombie-self, but I was coherent enough to be able to pick matching clothing for my sons and return to the playroom. The next step would have been to prepare for my shower, but it was not meant to be for a while.

As I was stepping onto the top step, and I have to remind you that these steps are carpeted and my feet were bare), I managed to slip. I landed on the bottom step with all 200 plus pounds of myself landing, not on my well-padded bottom, but my actual butt-bone. I will not regale you with the pain and jolt that resulted in this, nor will I bore you with the details of the residual pain from this stunt. However, I have to find a lot of humor in the fact that with all of the padded area available, I manage to land on my tail bone with my full weight on the bottom step. Also, how the heck do I manage to slip on on carpeted stairs with bare feet? Seriously?

Since I really hate people who whine, I would like to point out that this is not a bid for sympathy. This is an attempt to to give the reader an image of a half-alive, fat girl who managed to go airborne and miss the nice fat butt that should have protected her in some way. I know that I am no the only person to whom things like this happen, but really. How do you slip on shag carpeted stairs in your bare feet? If I had been wearing socks, if the steps had been uncovered wood, or if it had happened on the stone steps outside at a time when they were wet, I would have no questions.

I have decided that this must be a talent of mine. For many years, I have told people that it was a good thing my parents did not decide to name me Grace. Such a lovely name would have been to ridiculously ironic to give to a child like me.If you have ever read my articles on the worst names to give children, you will encounter my firm belief that naming your child something like Virginia, Charity or Chastity is a certain way to ensure that your child displays the exact opposite traits. My name is Virginia, and I am living proof of that theory. If I have such tendencies to be accident prone, putting the word Grace in my name would have probably been a death sentence!

I hope I have put a smile on everyone's face with the visual. I would like to assure everyone that I am just fine, although I was a little sore, and I have a lovely bruise on my bottom that blends nicely with my nice black and white tattoo that was inked when I was younger, thinner and much more attractive. Anyway, if you are having a rotten day, just imagine a fat girl flying through the air in circumstances that should not have been possible. After I got done doing my imitation of Peter from the Family Guy, or Lois for that matter, I couldn't stop laughing at the sight that must have been. I must also tell the world how proud I am of my husband, that once he had ascertained the situation, he kept a completely straight face. He even successfully stifled his laughter, so I did not hear a sound. Good man!

I hope everyone has a great day, and I hope your day is as accident-free as it as possible to be!

Source:
Personal Experience
Family Guy Episode 2, Season 20: "Wasted Talent," Original Air-date, July 25, 2000.
Written by: Mike Barker and Matt Weitzman (teleplay), Dave Collard and Ken Goin (story).
Directed by: Bert Ring
Family Guy Episode 10, Season 10: "FOX-y Lady" Original Air-date, March 22, 2009.
Written by: Matt Fleckenstein. Directed by: Pete Michels.
http://www.spike.com/video/family-guy-peter/2725034
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkudqkDvu6s
http://fliiby.com/file/733074/yjsmb3q9w7.html
Peter's knee picture from: http://dyn.ifilm.com/resize/image/stills/films/resize/istd/2725034.jpg.