Open Adoption & The Scary Birth Mother

I am a mother through open adoption which always brings up lots of questions. The first question people always ask me is, "Does that mean you know the birthmother?" So I explain that open adoption does mean I know the birthfamily and that we have an open relationship with them. I explain that we discussed and determined with the birthfamily what level of contact everyone would be comfortable with. The next question I get is really a variation of the following, "Oh, aren't you scared the birthmother"…" will know where you live" OR "will want the baby back", well you get the idea. Really, the only thing I hear in that question is the fear people have. People are scared of what they don't know and most people don't know about open adoption and all the benefits.

The Birthfamily
There are a lot of misconceptions about open adoption and the birthfamily. I understand that open adoption is still fairly new and society has created a negative perception about birthfamilies. I use the term birth family, but in most cases it is the birthmother who is making the decision regarding the choice to place her child for adoption. In most cases, this is a very well though out decision. It's a decision of courage and the most UNSELFISH decision I think a person can make. This woman is choosing adoption because she believes that someone or some family can provide her child a better life than she is currently able to. The decision is based on absolute love for her child. This woman is willing to not only go through the pain of labor but the emotional pain of not being able to raise this child - all for the benefit of the child. This is not an irresponsible woman. This isn't some uneducated teenager. This is a woman who loves her child enough to give him/her something she can't.

The other thought that society bears on birthmothers is that they should just "move on". I can't imagine ever asking someone who gave life to a child to just forget that it ever happened. I believe they have a right to know their child. They have a right to know their child is safe and loved. They have the right to continue to love that child. They also have the right to know and be known by that child. I'm not afraid my son will know that I never carried him in my womb. I'm not afraid he will love his birthmother. I'm proud his birthmother loves him so much and that she is giving me the amazing privilege to raise him. I'm also thrilled that my son has so many people that love him and that he has the opportunity to love his birthfamily and his adoptive family. I would hate for my son to ever feel guilty for loving us both.

The Openness
Open adoption varies in levels of openness based on the comfort level of the birthfamily and adoptive family. Generally, most birthfamilies are in contact several times a year via email/letters/photos and typically visit once or twice a year. Again, society finds it hard to believe that it's possible to continue a relationship with a birthfamily in fear that they might "take the child back" or some other ridiculous notion. Adoption, when done correctly is not reversible. Therefore, a birthmother can't just "take the child back". But more importantly, in most cases, she doesn't want to. She made this decision wisely. It was not a spur of the moment idea that just sprang into her head one day. It was a choice she made.

I often hear, but aren't you scared that she knows where you live. I have two thoughts on this subject. First, no I'm not scared because I'm not scared of her. I'm not scared she is going to show up on my doorstep one day and demand her son. I believe that this is a healthy relationship where everyone is respected and everyone benefits. My second thought is, IF I wanted to hide what purpose would that serve? What am I hiding from? I chose open adoption so my son would know and love his birthmother not live in fear of her. On the flip side, I couldn't imagine us not knowing who she is or where she lives. I can't imagine wondering if that could be her everytime I see a woman that favors my son. My feeling is that adoption isn't something to be ashamed of or hide from and reacting that way would be saying that I thought it was.

When I look at my son, I see his birthmothers smile and this amazing boy that she has given me the privilege to raise and call my son. People always tell me that my son looks like me, but I know and I'm proud to say, that he might favor me, but he really gets all his good looks from his birthmother. I get the joy of raising this beautiful boy but she surely deserves the credit for giving him life.