Open Letter to the "In-Crowd"

I was bullied. Not just in school, but later in life in the workplace. It was only after I recognized the workplace bullying for what it was that I realized that I had fallen into a horrible cycle in my life. I was a victim. Not a victim of bullying, but a victim of self-pity. Bullies don't have victims; they have targets. What the target chooses to do about it will determine if they become a victim. I became a victim because I allowed the cycle to continue into my adulthood.

If I had the guts back in my formative years to confront the situation face-on, I doubt I would have been bullied in later years. Each person that is targeted by a bully needs to do something in the beginning stages of the problem to keep from becoming a victim. One must let bullies know the affect their behavior has through the setting of boundaries. We set boundaries to let other people know how we want to be treated and it is important to recognize how boundaries are set for other people. A boundary is not set until the other person hears, understands and respects it.

Looking back, I set no boundaries to others. I only hid like a scared rabbit and refused to stand up to those that taunted me. The following is a letter I wrote to no one in particular. These are the things I wish I had had the guts to say back then. I doubt my tormentors would have listened and these words may have made things worse. But these are the words I do my best to live by now so I do not become that scared little boy again. They are not meant to be the "boundary setters," but more the mantra I live by to remind me to set boundaries.

Since boundary setting is an article all on its own, I will refrain from discussing that subject now. This is considered to be more of an article of hope to those who are struggling, for them to know that all of us who have gone through a bully's torment feel many of the same feelings. I call this "An Open Letter to the In-Crowd.

Dear In-Crowd:

For the longest time, I have known that there are those among you who feel I shouldn't have lunch with you. I have discussed this with counselors and teachers, and they have each given me guidance on how to approach this situation. While I intend to heed their guidance, because they have given me good advice on what I should do, there are some things I want to address to some of you.

The way I understand things now, you don't think I'm cool or I don't fit in. But from the first time you saw me, I was not included. Listen to me - I have had to watch from the outside - and what I have seen is you having fun while I sat and wondered why I couldn't be there, too.

I have wondered for the longest time if the reason I was not accepted was because of my physical non-conformity. Do the scars on my face and body dictate who I am? NO! I see them as a map to who I have become inside, but they do not define me. They make me think of what I want to be and who I want to be. I recognize my limitations in a different way than you do. I see my limitations as a starting point for building a better me. You see me as a finished product because of them.

I wonder if you realize that you have hurt me. Sometimes I want to run away and never come back, thinking that since I don't feel accepted in your world I will never be worthy of any kind of friendship. Shame on you don't be so obtuse about other people!

It's true - I'm not able to make a free throw. I can't hit a home run. I am not that good to look at. Big deal - did you ever stop to think that maybe I can still socialize with you despite my differences? Maybe I can socialize with you? I'm sure I can talk about what it is that you are talking about - maybe I have something to contribute. You taunt me because I "throw off the curve" because of my good grades. Maybe I can help you with your homework so you can get good grades, too? I just want to be accepted for who I am. I get lonely being by myself, thinking that I am not welcome.

We make choices of our own free will. A vicious cycle was created long ago that made me feel shunned, but hasn't the time come to break that cycle? Think of it this way - if you asked to have lunch with me, I welcome you. I am not expecting you to buy lunch for me. I will do my part in some way or another - I promise to be fair. All I am asking is to come to the cafeteria and feel that I can eat in peace is this okay with you?

Finally, I will try to do things the way that I have been told. I will do whatever it takes (within reason) to try to become accepted. Please give me time; it takes a while to break down barriers. I have a lot of baggage to unpack before I can feel comfortable. Please allow me to do what I need to do, mainly because it will also allow you to feel more comfortable with me. I bear none of you any ill will I think it is time to lay to rest any of the old ghosts of the past. So much has been said and done in the past couple of years to cause a sense of discomfort. I am more than willing to do my part. I just wanted to let you all know how what I have perceived from each of you has affected me. I hope now that we are all on the same page.

Sincerely - Me

I'm not sure if these words would have worked on any of my tormentors; more than likely, the words would have been laughed at or at best fallen on deaf ears. I didn't try to stand up to them. Once I looked the devil in the face, I merely escaped from the situations that were making my life miserable. I started to put up barriers instead of stop signs. I wish I had known how to make those that walked all over me take a second look at themselves.

Today, I still feel the effects of a broken childhood. I am diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and the mere thought of those childhood days can send me into a panic attack. I will never be cured, but at least now I know the name of the "monster in the closet" and I am learning how to deal with it. It takes a lot of effort at times, but I am getting better at setting the boundaries of how I will allow others to treat me and where they will be permitted into my life.