Open Response to Why Sex Should Be Saved for Marriage

"While my faith does play a very big role in my values, it is only partially to blame for my decision to be chaste. "

Man do you phrase that correctly, at least you did if you use the following definition for the word blame.

"Incrimination: an accusation that you are responsible for some lapse or misdeed".

It is a shame you have chosen to stay celibate. To shut yourself off from something as basic as your own sexuality for an undetermined length of time can not be healthy for you. A question for you, does no partner sex, also mean no masturbation? Where do you draw the line? It is my uninformed understanding that the church does not approve of masturbation. I ask not for some cheat thrill but because it would make a big difference if you approached this with the inclusion of masturbation and self exploration.

You have every right of course to remain celibate but why deprive yourself completely? If you feel strongly about keeping something as a gift for hubby, keep intercourse for marriage and participate in normal healthy sexual exploration. You name many benefits to not participating in sex but they are mostly cocoons. For every benefit you name for remaining "chaste" I can give you an equivalent benefit for not staying chaste.

What you are missing here is that people act like sex is an implicit part of a relationship because it is. It's our most basic drive. Sure there are many problems with relationships. But that same situation exists with or without sex. Celibacy isn't a cure for relationship woes as your theory would seem to suggest. If it were, it would be a lot more common trust me on this.

Personally, I could not imagine marrying someone I have never had any sexual relations with. Sex is to important a part of a good relationship to just hope you can become compatible. So while I do not think that is a valid sole reason for premarital sex, there are many other reasons. Yes you can teach a lover to be a good partner for you. To please you, but that is a gross over simplification. How do you do this with out sexual communication? How do you communicate comfortabley if you never have before? Communication takes practice throughout a marriage. It doesn't just come with love, it takes work. Without masturbation or sexual exploration how do you know all of the things you will need to know to accomplish what you want to accomplish? Help me please to understand because I do not get it. Divine inspiration fueled by love might get you through the honeymoon but the long haul takes a lot more then that. If your partner has no experience as well, your honeymoon might just be an awkward mess instead of a hot love nest. If you deny your own sexuality for years what makes you think it will be waiting and friendly when you are ready for it?

Sex can be the icing on the cake as you say, and you can have all the things you mention without marriage and still manage to have a healthy marriage when the right man (or woman) comes along. Do you believe it is impossible to have love, trust, friendship and all those other things without being married? If you can have all those things before marriage then why eat plain cake?

I hope you know the pleasures of love more then one-time… and I am not necessarily talking about physical love here. I have loved and been hurt several times but would not give up the hurt if it meant I had never experienced the love. Each love was great and warm in its own way and made me that much more ready when my wife came along.

"Too many people get sexual early on in their relationships and then wonder what happened to the "connection" they used to share. Women can't get their men to open up to them emotionally and men can't get women to want to have sex after being together for a long time."

How with your limited experiences can you determine those problems come from sex or an open acceptance of your sexuality? What about having sex brings on the problems you mention above? If sex brings those problems on how will you avoid them 10 years down the road of your marriage? What makes you think having sex early has anything to do with the loss of connection? Why can't sex be the enhancement tool you mention to a relationship before marriage?

Ever watch a show called sexual healing? It's on one of the cable channels and its one of those reality thingies; it takes you into the sexual counselor's office. It is amazing to see that almost every one of her seriously hung-up patients, have their hang-ups based in religious beliefs. You can't internalize your sexuality or ignore it for year's without paying a price.

"The Catholic church, and many Christian churches believe that sex was created solely for the purpose of procreation. I agree with this. And because I believe that, I also believe that you should only procreate with your spouse, the person whom you have committed yourself and your life to, the person you love the most in the world (next to God)."

Again I think a lack of experience might be influencing your judgment. Ever have a mind blowing, toe curling, and rip the wind from your lungs orgasm? The kind that leaves you breathless and fulfilled and content all wrapped in a warm loving glow? Of course not, but if you had you wouldn't be able to say sex is just for procreation with a straight face. To say hey we only have sex to procreate is to deny yourself years and years of closeness intimacy and pleasure after you go through menopause Why would you do that? Not to mention all you miss before marriage.

My wife and I had two kids. I assure you that at least one of them (The first) and probably both were created out of lust and temptation. I hope yours are also… It makes the sex all the hotter, the intimacy deeper. Don't you want to conceive your children in the midst of love lust temptation and intimacy? I have great memories of that evening and we are very happy. Ever think that everything you have been told may not be the only truth out there?

Yes there are horrible health risks with sex. It's a scary place we live in these days. I would like to think most people; the ones who are not forbidden to learn about safe sex practices have some understanding of the risks and act accordingly. They use condoms and dental damns and participating in healthy safe sex. Please explain to me how, if you only teach abstinence, are you going to learn about such things as safe sex practices? I will be the first one to admit it's safer to not have sex there are al sorts of things running around out there. There are also millions of car accidents a year. Does this mean you are not going to drive because of it?

What I am saying is that avoiding premarital sex because you might catch something is denying yourself a great part of life (such as driving) because it's safer if you do not drive. We could all curl up in our churches and temples. Purify the air, water and hermetically seal ourselves away. You would be safer, but you would miss a hell of a lot.

Oh in case you think I'm some religion hater, I want you to know I am on the brotherhood committee of my temple and very active in the temple's social life. We raise our kids in the faith and we are proud to be religious. Its not religion I hate. I think religion itself is great. It's what petty men have done in translating and interpreting it that I am not fond of. The way man has warped whatever it was meant to be, that's what I dislike… But that is for another topic.

"Young people are most at risk for catching STDs. This is because many teens are irresponsible and inconsistent when it comes to using contraception. They haven't been taught how to properly use condoms"

This is exactly my point. How are they going to learn about things like condoms and safe sex when you are only taught abstinence? When sex education programs teach nothing but abstinence, what they are actually teaching is ignorance. That's the most profound line in this litany. Remember it when your kids are in school though hopefully we will have come to our senses by then.

"People have sex because it feels good. Women often times have sex because they believe that it will bring them closer to their male partner, when in fact, it does the opposite."

Yes it feels good and unless you are doing it wrong, or for poor reasons, it does almost inevitably brings you closer, especially but not exclusively in a loving relationship. How can you say it doesn't while proudly boasting of your ignorance and lack of experience? From where do you get your facts?

"Not to mention, whenever you sleep with a person for the first time, things will be a bit awkward. Sex isn't about chemistry, it is about communication. If two people have different styles of lovemaking, it is important that they convey to their partner what they like and don't like. Assuming that your mate can read your mind only creates problems within the relationship"

Trust me I speak from experience when I say sex is about chemistry AND communication. The two are far from mutually exclusive. How are you going to communicate sexually to your partner if neither of you are comfortable talking about sex? How do you become comfortable talking about it if you never have any experience? It's like reading a book on how to build a car. You can memorize the book and still not know how to build the car since you have never done it. Holding off sex until after marriage will not alleviate any sexual problems in the relationship; it has a higher probability to exacerbate them. All it does is put off the inevitable and give you less experience to use to help deal with it.

"now she can't do that position because she thinks about the other girl and it angers her. If sex was saved for marriage, there would be no past lovers. Everything would be up for grabs. All the memories and experiences would be fresh and new and shared only with your spouse. How amazing!"

You can just as easily say if we had sexual freedom and she had self-confidence perhaps she wouldn't be so jealous and this would not be an issue. Having one lover all your life is like having nothing but vanilla ice cream. Yeah it's creamy and sweet and lovely and you really like it, but you never know that you're missing the taste of chocolate and rocky road and strawberry. Wouldn't it be nice to have tried and know vanilla is what you want? Do you believe you will never wonder what it might have been like or that the issue of "what might have been" will never enter your bedroom? Being with one person and never trying any other lovers is not amazing it's kind of sad and I would be surprised if you did not regret it eventually when you get older.

To continue with your own analogy, sure for a collector the value of the toy unopened is greater. But ask the kid who the toy was designed for and he/she will tell you all the fun and value is to open it and play with it not collect it. We agree on one thing. Sexuality and sex is probably one of God's greatest gifts. I just don't see the need to store that gift on the shelf for 20 years before I start using it.

Please do not denigrate yourself by saying God gave you only one gift. God gave you a lot more then one thing to share with your spouse. He gave you many gifts to share; keeping one on the shelf is ok, denying your own sexuality completely until you meet your partner, fall in love and get married is just wrong. You will have plenty to give even if you slept with 100 guys.

Some men might be thankful if you save your virginity, and some will not. I know guys who would never sleep with a virgin and treat virginity like a disease to be avoided. But I assure you if you have the skills to perform oral sex really well and you are good at it because you have experience, he will be very thankful for that almost without exception.

" I could give him the most precious and valuable asset that I have; the one thing that God gave me to share with my spouse and only my spouse and praise God in the process"

If you truly believe that the one gift the Lord gave you to bring to a marriage is the hymen between your legs you have a lot to learn…. Oh and may you praise God in the process but it will sound more like Ohh god…. OH god…. OH GOD!!!!!@!

MrAbsolute