Opening Night Review of Season 9 of ABC's "Dancing with the Stars"

As someone who has never seen more than snippets of ABC's "Dancing with the Stars," I decided I would (after 9 seasons) give it a try. Nine years, and I missed it every season? Well, yes. I am not a big ballroom dancing fan, and a lot of the stars that they seem to feature are rather (um) B-list to me. But I love the ABC show "Castle," which follows "Dancing with the Stars," and tonight I was cleaning through some old papers, and even watching "Dancing with the Stars" has to be more stimulating that that.

Luckily for me, tonight was "Macho Monday," the first part of 3 nights of the opening of the show. With the sexy male dancers opening the show to the tune of "The Boys are Back in Town," I thought I would be in for a treat.

It started out ok, with Aaron Carter (and partner Karina). He has talent, he's young enough to learn some new (dance) tricks, and ended the evening with the best score overall (before audience judging). He seems likely to end up as the show's winner, barring a great dancer on the ladies' side or some real hamming from Donny Osmond that could push Donny into the lead based on sheer popularity.

Not many of the male stars would live up to the opening act, however. The line up on Monday night consisted of Chuck Liddell (with partner Anna), a mohawked wrestler of some sort, whose grace and style only really shown at the very last moment. He moved with aggression, not exactly the quality one most associates with ballroom dancing.

Next up was Iron Chef Mark (and his partner Lacey) who entertained with a dance done to "Kung Fu Fighting," a sure crowd-pleaser of a song and appropriate for his martial arts background. Although his timing was off and he needs to work on his rhythm, there's potential, which can't really easily be said about the next performer.

Ashley Hamilton (son of George) is a little less tan and a lot less show biz than his old man. They claim he's an actor, but he didn't have any style or expression in his dancing or even in the taped segments they aired showing the stars learning their steps. The judges were not impressed either, and being the son of a B-lister himself doesn't really help him much to stay in the competition based on audience recognition or likeability. His dance partner, Edyta, couldn't even make up for his lackluster style. Look for him to be one of the first to leave.

Donny Osmond (with partner Kym) was clearly the audience favorite, although he started out with a very theatrical performance ("All that Jazz"), which didn't impress the judges. He came back to win on the second relay dance, apparently a new feature of the show.

Following Donny was my personal favorite, although someone who's not much of a dancer. Louie Vito is a snowboarder who clocks in at about 5 feet 5 inches. Together with his tiny partner Chelsie and his big heart, he won me over, even if his dancing needs a lot of work. He came in with some impressive flips on the second dance and stayed smiling even when one of the judges called him a "dancing hobbit," while another criticized his hair. Is this a dancing contest or beauty contest? (If it's based in part on beauty, someone ought to tell those dancers that their costumes are just awful!)

Dallas Cowboy Michael Irwin (with partner Anna) was a big disappointment and isn't likely to overtake Jerry Rice, whom he referred to several times throughout the night. Surely Jerry Rice did better than Michael, who failed to impress with a sad rendition of James Brown's "I Feel Good" that started off lively and ended with a snore.

Finally, the perhaps most entertaining of the male "stars," was twinkle toes Tom DeLay, the former Congressman known to all as the "Hammer." I give him props for coming out and dancing wildly to "Wild Thing," a most unlikely song choice that, in part, helped cover his lack of dancing skills. Reviews from the judges were truly the most entertaining of the evening, and ranged from "surreal" to "part was magic, part was tragic," to my favorite of the evening: "You're crazier than Sarah Palin."

All in all, it was an interesting show, but I think I'll stick with "Castle."