Opinion Piece Inspired by Barbara De Angelis' Book:

I have just begun reading relationship books. I was a bit timid at first, wondering what they might tell me that I might not know from previous experience. I wondered if their advice would be relevant to my situation. After it was recommended through a few different friends, I picked up Barbara De Angelis' book "Secrets about men every woman should know." This book was an easy read and was not bogged down with psychology. The audience was, obviously, the ordinary person and I did appreciate this. There are too many authors who write to display their intellect. De Angelis is not one of them. There is a bit of humor in the book and the experiences of other couples make this book quite enjoyable. The book did not exhibit a "preachy" tone which I think is important when giving improvement tips. The fact that she admits to making the mistakes that she reports many women make, gives this book an authentic feel. While the book was enlightening and did affirm some of my own thoughts and experiences, I also found it a bit disappointing.

The first chapters begin with an overview of the historical and psychological differences between men and women. she discusses the roles that men and women have played and how this has shaped their thinking. DeAngelis then begins to talk about the seven mistakes that women make. I think that this is one of the most essential parts of the book. She also discusses ways to either avoid or correct the mistakes that women have been making. As a woman, you might find that you have or are making more than one of these mistakes. Many of them intertwine with each other. I must admit, I felt the need to add a few of my own. However, the list is a good starting point for self exploration. Dee Angelis encourages you to make lists of your own to understand yourself more thoroughly. There were a few questions that I might add to the list, but these lists are efficient tools to self knowledge. The quizzes and checklists throughout the book are quite helpful. And, I am not just saying that because I scored high on some of the quizzes.

The concept of "filling in the emotional blanks," mistake seven, is one that every woman should read and evaluate for herself Understanding this concept, the reason and feelings behind this mistake and how to correct it is a valuable tool for all different types of relationships.

The three biggest mysteries about men is a good jumping off point to discuss the emotional differences between men and women. although I did have trouble with the overriding theme of the book which I will discuss later, I thought that she handled the topic of emotions (for the most part) beautifully. "Have you ever had a problem, felt like you needed your man to comfort or love you and when you reached out for help, had him give you a lecture or advice instead?" "Have you ever tried to share your feelings of sadness or fear with your partner, only to have him accuse you of being too emotional or needy?" she suggests ways to help your male partner understand the emotions that you are feeling and give him direct ways that he can comfort you. Some good information: "men don't understand that women have much more resiliency than men. That means that as women, one minute we can be crying and the next minute we can be ready to make love. ... Men have a more difficult time shifting from one emotional state to the next. they assume that we can't either and panic when they see us upset." She also suggests that men take women literally when it comes to emotions. In frustration, women might say: "I should just give it up completely." We women know that we are just venting our emotions, but men think that we are seriously considering this action. She advises that women need to communicate clearly and accurately. they also should tell their partners when they are only venting and just need comfort. The emotional map and the five levels of feeling will certainly serve me well in the understanding of my own emotions and communicating with my partner. It is an effective tool to get past the initial emotions of anger, to hurt, insecurity, responsibility and love.

The communication chapter also has some good information and tips. She explains the difference between goal oriented and process oriented conversations. DeAngelis gives tips to help women "listen better." I found myself in violation of some of the bad listening and communicating habits such as "thinking aloud," and "figuring out a man's emotions for him." She gives concrete suggestions for couples to communicate more effectively.

The twenty most common turn-offs for men was a list of extremes. For example: men are turned off when women seem not to care about their personal appearance. Yet, another turn-off is when women are so obsessed with their appearance that they put makeup on before engaging in a sexually intimate moment. Some of these were obvious, yet there were a few that I was surprised had made the "top twenty." I won't spoil this for you.

One of the most helpful suggestions of the book is the concept of making a "relationship mistake list," and a "relationship rulebook." Of course, I would like this suggestion: especially since I feel comfortable with rules and want to thrash out each and every subject. The rule book will help you develop new habits and not make the same mistakes in a relationship. This concept accompanied with a good support system from your family and friends will ensure that you are improving yourself and your relationship.

I must admit, however, there were some disappointments in the book. The largest disappointment was the overwhelming theme that men were insecure beings who were always afraid of being or doing something wrong. "When a man feels that you have helped him solve a problem that he could not solve on his own, he may secretly feel emasculated." This fear has stunted their emotional growth and has caused them to be super defensive about anything that women say to them. Throughout the book she recounts men's inability to admit when they are wrong and accept help or advice from their partner. Forget about constructive criticism because the slightest suggestion offends them. This is an exploited stereotype and if it were true, it would certainly be a sad state of affairs. Also, this does not explain why men can accept criticism from others without taking offense.

The stereotypic man who will never ask for directions and insists that he is always right is portrayed as the normal. Maybe I am optimistic, here, but I believe that there are many men who can take suggestions and even criticism gracefully, will openly admit their faults, who will apologize when they are wrong and who will of course, ask for directions when appropriate. I think that she demeans men by portraying them as overwhelmingly emotionally fragile and inept.

When De Angelis discusses the sacrifices that women make: giving up hobbies, friends and family, personality and dreams, she does not offer too many compromises. She does ask women to make a list of people, interests, beliefs and dreams that are important in the woman's life. She encourages women to consult these to make sure that they are not sacrificing any of them. I agree that women should not give up themselves to conform to the man's desires. I agree that a woman should continue to keep her interests and especially support system in place. However, she seems to stray from reality a bit. "Emily has always loved to dance." ... "Dancing makes her feel alive, graceful and free. When Emily was 29, she met Andrew, 31. They began dating, fell in love and married two years later. ... After asking Emily how her and Andrew were doing, I mentioned dancing. Emily looked uncomfortable and replied, "Well, I don't do much dancing anymore." ... You see, Andrew has never really liked dancing. ... In the beginning, I would drag him to clubs with me... ... it wasn't fun seeing him sulk.... He encouraged me to go dancing without him; not to sacrifice on his account. ... ... I felt guilty leaving him home alone. I guess I miss dancing, but it is no big deal, really." What she doesn't say is that it is quite possible that you and your partner have different interests, beliefs and activities . After making that list of important people, hobbies and dreams: share it with your partner. He should do the same. There will be times when sacrifice and compromise are necessary. I find her suggestion of "don't sacrifice," rather selfish and simplistic. It would be more appropriate to suggest that you and your partner might work out a plan whereby, you are both satisfied. No, it should not always be the woman who sacrifices. But, surely, this will happen some of the time. In Emily's example, there might have been other ways for her to enjoy her hobby of dancing that would be more appealing to her husband. Honestly speaking, a woman who is in a relationship and "goes clubbing," is most generally looking to do more than dance. Maybe Andrew would have felt more comfortable learning another type of dance. Maybe Emily could use her love of dance to give dance lessons to others. Andrew could support her by giving her time to enjoy that activity and listening to her talk about her enjoyment when she returns. De Angelis also writes about women who give up college to work so that the man can finish his degree and obtain a job. In many households, Someone's dreams might have to be deferred to support the other person. It is just not economical for both to pursue their dreams at the same time. Arrangements can be made to ensure that the deferred dreams are eventually made a reality. I understand and agree with the overall premise that women sacrifice too much in relationships, I just believe that De Angelis did not do a thorough job at addressing these issues.

Her advice is "stick to your list and don't sacrifice." She asks women to make a list of ways that they have sacrificed in other relationships. She could include the reasons for sacrificing. She could also suggest that women prioritize their list of important people and activities. Let's face it, a relationship takes time and energy. The likelihood is that we won't have as much time for friends. I am not suggesting in any way that our friendships be sacrificed. I am suggesting that we are realistic about our sacrifices and which ones we are willing to make and which ones that we want to keep.

One disturbing portion of the book is when De Angelis suggests that men have sex to show their emotions, even when it has nothing to do with his partner. She writes: "Often a man will feel disturbing emotions building up inside him. ... ... and suddenly, he is in the mood for sex. Men often use their sexual energy as a safe outlet for their repressed emotional energy." She believes that it is important to help a man understand this trend and give him safe alternatives for his emotional outlets. I appreciate the "alternatives," This is, in no way, making love and if a man does this, it sends a red flag for me. She also suggests that there are times when a man does not want to "Make love," but just wants to experience the pleasure of "Having sex." I believe that this separation of the emotional and the physical will have detrimental effects for the relationship. This type of separation hinders emotional growth.

Even though I do have some disagreements with the book, I found it to be quite helpful in understanding myself and a good tool to use when discussing relationships with others. It is too early to tell whether her communication tips and tips for interacting with men are successful. However, I am willing to give them a try. As in any self help book, you extract the benefits and leave the rest. There are many beneficial tools for you to use in your relationships and the rest is subject to opinion. I am not evaluating this book against any other book. However, I would recommend this book for others who want to improve their relationship and communication habits with the men in their lives.