Opinions of a Plus Size Diva

Fat. Now that's a word for you. Fat. Makes you squirm, doesn't it? Odd, how that one tiny, rather inconspicuous word can make grown women shudder at just the sound of it. We have become a nation of women obsessed with this whole fat thing. How much fat? Who's the fattest? Who's the thinnest? How can we be thin? How can we be thinner? We have become a gender of wall-eyed fanatics in the Great Search for Thinness. It strips off pounds and inches? We'll buy it. Lowers our BMI? We'll try it. Costs one hundred dollars per ounce? We'll charge it. Tastes like chalk and looks like a cesspool? We'll slug it down with the gusto of a camel hoarding up for a trek through the desert.

This is not to say, though, that all women are alike when it comes to this whole fat craze. After careful study and observation, I have come to believe that when it comes to fat, there are three main types of women.

The first type I like to call the Covert Corpulent. This is the rather large female whom neither you, nor anyone you know, has ever seen eat even a single bite. She's a crafty devil, our CC. She can go hours, even days, with no sustenance whatsoever, and keep a big smile on her kisser the entire time. This is the type who will tell you in hushed tones of her "glandular difficulties", then suck down a six pack of cola and a box of Twinkies while you are in the bathroom. She is fat.

The second type, though not as deceptive, can be every bit as tricky. She's the Daily Dieter, and she's not nearly as pleasant as our CC, probably because she's always dieting. Incessantly. Every day of her life. She's the one who calls you and talks for hours about purging, and colonics. She eats seaweed and buffalo grass and smells like alfalfa. She jogs, she walks, she crunches. She's been to Dr. Atkins, Beverly Hills, Pritkin, the Mayo Clinic, and may currently be in the Zone. Wherever she is, she will try to take you with her, willing or not. She will go out to lunch with you and describe, with great and malicious zeal, the fat content of every bite you take. She tells you you're out of shape, overweight, and likely to die of a heart attack before the waiter can even bring you your appetizer. She is also fat.

The third and final type is the Non Fat Female, or the NFF. This is the woman who has absolutely no idea that she's fat. Come on, we've all seen her. She's the two-hundred-plus cutie in the snakeskin spandex mini skirt we pass on the street on our way to work. She's the woman in our office who will snarf down four doughnuts and a jelly roll and then trot off in her two-sizes-too-small platform pumps. There's not a single item in her closet that isn't cut down to here, or slit up to there, and she likes it that way. She doesn't have cellulite, that's muscles. She's not really a size 22, they must have sewn the wrong tag in, but she liked it so much she bought it anyway. She doesn't mind fat jokes, and will even tell a few herself. She eyes any woman with a bit of excess baggage with a sense of self-righteous contempt; after, all what self-respecting female would let herself go like that? And she, too, is fat.

I have known, at one time or another, all of these women. At times, I hate to admit it, I have even joined them. I have lied, denied, fought, and hidden my love for food. I have binged, purged, starved and denied myself. I have sweated to the oldies, felt the burn, mastered my thighs and grown to know Jane Fonda intimately. And I am still fat. And not only am I fat, I am a diet guru's worst nightmare. Because not only am I fat, I am fat and healthy and unashamed.

Did you hear that world? I'M FAT !!!!!

And I'm angry, too.

I am angry at the so-called diet and fitness industry for giving women these impossible goals, and then making us feel like failures when we can't possibly achieve them. I am angry with women for falling for this load of BS, and then berating ourselves for failing. But, mostly, I am angry with the public at large (pardon the pun) for their treatment of Plus Size Divas everywhere. We are the last bastion of humanity that it is still politically correct to abuse and mistreat. We are denied, laughed at, and thoroughly misunderstood, and why? What gives you the right to sneer at me because I am in no danger of being mistaken for Twiggy? What gives you the right to make assumptions as to my will or brain power based totally on the size of my hips? What gives you the right to ask me personal and embarrassing questions that you would hesitate to ask your own Mother?

I have.

Yes, you heard correctly. By not speaking up every single time I have been offended or hurt or made to feel uncomfortable, I have given you that right. By allowing you to make me feel unworthy or unattractive, I have given you the right to continue in your asinine assumptions and prejudices.

But hear this world, I TAKE IT BACK!!

No longer will I suffer gladly you fools who still believe it is okay to treat me as something undesirable or shameful to be hidden away. No longer will I listen to your fat jokes, or answer your rude questions nicely. No longer will I suffer in silence in too-small chairs, or listen to some nineteen year old, size eight spandex-short-wearing bimbo offer me advice about my Weight Problem.

Weight problem? Tell me, if my weight is not a problem for me, why should it be a problem for you?

I am a bright, articulate, intelligent, attractive woman with much to offer. I am funny and giving and loving and kind, and you will deny me no longer. You will treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve and demand. You will keep your snide remarks and pathetic attempts at humor to yourselves. You will not make me hide. You will not make me ashamed of what I am. I am a large woman, living life in a large way.

You will be kind, and considerate, and compassionate. You will be understanding and even appreciative of my uniqueness of being. You will understand that I am a creative, productive member of society with the same rights and responsibilities as you.

You will do all of these things because, quite simply, it is the right thing to do. And also because if you do not, I will sit on you and smother you with my thighs.