Oppressed Evangelical Syndrome on the Rise

A strange and contagious malady is spreading through the United States. While at first confined to a few, isolated pockets of the American South, it can now be seen in the news and on television nearly every day. Its victims have meetings every week and more, wherein the problem festers and fortifies itself. Its sufferers have television shows and charitable foundations for their disease. In some states, there are entire channels devoted just to their cause.

THE DISORDER

What is this terrifying, life-changing condition called? Though it does not yet officially appear in either clinical medical literature or the DSM, I have chosen to refer to it as... Oppressed Evangelical Syndrome, or OES.

THE SYMPTOMS

How can you detect a potential sufferer? The symptoms to look for are mostly in the mind of the patient. The patient will experience delusions of oppression and even of evil nearly everywhere he or she turns, mistaking legitimate civil authority for either a sinister liberal agenda or the work of an invisible man who lives in the Earth named "Satan" or "the Devil." The OES-positive person has symptoms similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder, such as feeling overpowering urges to speak to their folded hands daily or to shove pamphlets in your face every time you step into Kroger's.

The most serious symptom is hallucination. The typical OES sufferer speaks daily to an invisible man who lives in the sky named "God," and in a mythical figure named "Jesus" whose stories are mostly rip-offs of Osiris, Mithras, Attis, and Tammuz. They construct elaborate delusions around his existence, firmly holding to the belief that "God" only talks back if you believe in him in the first place, and of course anyone who doesn't hear him just doesn't believe hard enough.

Physical symptoms include swollen PAC bankrolls, inflammation of the inferiority complex, and, in severe cases, periodic total blindness whenever presented with overwhelming physical evidence for evolution or other scientific postulates.

There is "neither a scientific nor an evangelical consensus on the topic [of global warming]," according to James Dobson, who has suffered from OES for years. "Childhood symbols are apparently being hijacked to promote an agenda that involves teaching homosexual propaganda to children."

OES sufferer Tony Perkins, a representative of OES support group The Family Research Council, has said that global warming is part of a leftist agenda.

OES support groups routinely use their political clout to try to stir rage among their own numbers regarding the exercise of First Amendment authority by courts. For example, as Ten Commandments monuments have been removed from federal property over the past few years, OES sufferers have insisted that such moves are engineered to oppress Christianity. They also point to the teaching of science, rather than magic, in science classrooms as evidence of an organized conspiracy against Christianity.

"Having been told since childhood that man is just an animal, that death and violence are a natural part of evolution, and that 'only the fittest survive,' it is no wonder that this generation of young people are wallowing in utter hopelessness," writes OES support group www.answersingenesis.org, sadly compounding their delusion. Notice also the exhibition of temporary blindness, ignoring the facts that teen crime rates, teen pregnancy, teen drop-out rates, teen abortions, teen STD use, and teen in-school violence are all highest in the South, which also has the highest number of OES+ citizens.

Notice that the Oppressed Evangelical believes that, every time they lose the right coerce others into their mindset, they believe that they themselves are the oppressed ones.

THE SOCIAL CONCERNS

Aside from the millions of man-hours lost to church, prayer, and Bible readings and the billions of charity dollars lost to the maintenance of church operations, one of the most pressing social concerns regarding OES is its seeming tendency to generate criminal behavior.

OES sufferer Ted Haggard, for example, who in his broadcasts repeatedly blamed liberalism and the Devil for all manner of social problems, has admitted to purchasing illegal methamphetamines and is suspected with having consensual sex with a male "masseuse" prostitute. Another OES sufferer, Ralph Reed Jr., who once wrote that "religion is the best antidote for fascism because it denies government the honor that religion reserves only for God" (blindly unnoticing of Hitler's 1937 quote, "I am, and always shall be, a Christian"), is under suspicion of committing illegal financing deals with famed White House insider Jack Abramoff.

An OES sufferer with some of the most compounded delusion complexities in the literature, Kent Hovind, was recently convicted for massive tax fraud. He maintains that he does not need to pay taxes because his money belongs to his invisible sky-friend, Jesus, or God.

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR TREATMENT

Effectively curing someone of this tragic illness is extremely difficult. So dense and complicated are the delusions of the afflicted that they may in fact become physically agitated and even violent when confronted. This reporter has been physically assailed more than once as a result of heated confrontation of the core delusions of OES.

As such, I designate treatment in adults as both dangerous and extremely complicated. However, you CAN immunize your children against OES.

First and foremost, it is important that your children be well-versed in critical thinking. The foundation of the OES delusions is a book of ancient Semitic fairy tales called the Bible. Among its fantastical stories are accounts of the Earth being created about 6,000 years ago, plants being created before the sun and contradictory accounts of the order of the creation of the universe by this invisible sky-man, and a talking snake who undoes the order of the universe by feeding a girl an apple in an enchanted garden.

The man at the center, a fictional character named Jesus of whom no reliable contemporary accounts exist, is a composite of several earlier myths. As noted above, children should be aware that Jesus is a rip-off of many older deities from the area, so designed that pagans would have an easier time falling into the Evangelical mindset.

Most important is an understanding of the basic processes of logic. Note that many Evangelicals posit God as the universe's creator, but offer no satisfying explanation for where God came from, why he exists, why God's creations could be so easily corrupted and evil, or why Christianity has never been a majority religion among God's followers.

PROJECTIONS FOR THE FUTURE

While this disease is virtually non-existent from many parts of the world and is rapidly declining in most of Europe, it continues to spread in the United States. Potential results include the destruction of civil liberties, the adoption of fairy tales in place of science, the corruption of safe-sex or birth control options, and an obsession with "End Times" prophecy, much like we saw when America's worst president ever, Ronald Reagan, used taxpayer money to bring OES sufferer Hal Lindsey to the White House to brief him on the potential effects of Biblical property on American military power in the Middle East.

It is therefore our responsibility as patriotic Americans to defend our Constitution, whose First Amendment sharply disagrees with the Evangelical agenda. This can only be accomplished by roundly and unconditionally rejecting Evangelism in all of its forms, and educating our children in the flaws and dangers of this really, really, really stupid disease.