Oprah Vs. Angelina Jolie: Charity Snub or is that Satan's Tummy Growling?

What is this world coming to? When even Oprah starts overestimating Angelina Jolie's love of Africa, you know we've got some serious problems. And if that last sentence made your head explode, well, I can't really blame it (your head that is). Get it together, and let me explain.

It all started last week when the devil-whale incarnate extended Ms. Jolie a heartfelt invitation to join her on an excursion to Africa. In Africa, the duo was to cure AIDS, end hunger and generally make the world a sunnier place, metaphorically speaking. Oprah, who is also an architect by trade, had planned to build a children's school. However, Angelina Jolie said no. "What," you're saying. "My God, it can't be true." Sure, on the surface it seems like Angelina turning down a trip to Africa is about as likely as Harvey Walden III not raising his voice on Celebrity Fit Club. But let's stick to what we know (as Glenn Beck would say). Sadly, there is no way Oprah could ever build this school without Angelina Jolie. In fact, I don't feel that any structure should ever get built without Angelina Jolie; and a symbolic presence doesn't count. You can't build a new fountain outside of a hospital and say, "Angelina Jolie would love to be here and in a way she is. I can feel her spirit; it is ripe in the air." That shit doesn't fly. Who does Angelina Jolie think she is? She can't put her movie career on hold for one second to join Oprah in an emblematic showing of female unity against the plight of a completely disenfranchised content? Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2 couldn't wait? Bullshit.

Obviously, I'm kidding. (ha, ha) This is how I deal with weird crap like this. Absurdist blather. But let's get serious for a second. It's been a while since I've written an "I hate Oprah" article so, if you will, I'd like to vent. Oprah Winfrey is horrible; she is a truly destructive beast disguised as a bubbly pop culture icon. Let me ask you this, if you were Satan and planning to conquer the earth, would you come back as Oprah Winfrey or Marilyn Manson? Now think about that. If you were Satan you'd probably want to blend in for a few years, make a lot of friends, mingle, that kind of stuff. Oprah. You'd also want to "touch" millions with a consistent outlet to the world. Oprah. You'd want to control as many mediums as you could, while stretching your appeal out over every demographic. Oprah. You'd want to do all this because, when the time comes to lash out against mankind, you'd have the masses at your fingertips. Oprah.

Why would the devil want to be Marilyn Manson? So he could kill 21,000 goth kids in Boise, Idaho on a Wednesday night? Shit, most people would be glad to seem them go (their parents included). No, Satan is too wily for that. And this is why, with every ounce of my heart, I feel that Oprah Winfrey is the devil (and I have proof).

Being an incognito beast from the underworld, living among us and trying to fit in, isn't an easy task. Every once in a while you're going to show your horns. This is human (or devil) nature. Oprah did it once before (though nobody noticed for some reason). If you closely followed the turn of events surrounding that sad sack author James Frey, you would have noticed. When the story broke that Frey was a phony, he did what any upstanding American does in the bright, hot spotlight of a public lynching… he went on Larry King Live. And who, pray tell, was the concerned viewer who called in that evening? None other than Oprah, who was solely responsible for Frey's career in the first place*. She supported him on the air with Larry and totally baited him back on her death show. Frey, a total moronic pariah in his own right, took the bait and showed up. Oprah did a 360, ripped his ass to shreds and basically killed his career. You know the story.

But Angelina Jolie is not James Frey and this could be the battle for all mankind. We are one Oprah Winfrey Show appearance from nuclear war people; this is serious.

TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE, IF THE WORLD DOES NOT IMPLODE DUE TO THE COMING RAPTURE THAT IS THE OPRAH VS. ANGELINA FEUD)

*Another sign that Oprah is the devil: Her support of Frey's book in the first place. "A Million Little Pieces" isn't a masterpiece by end means, just like any book in Oprah's stupid club, but it was a decent read. However, it was one more "shitting blood" scene away from being counterculture slop. Oprah's devil ways knew that this bit of literature was the most perfect, the most destructive, the most devious book that the American Public (read: Oprah's viewing audience) would accept.