Oprah Winfrey Needs Show Topic - Whacks Dog

As I'm shaking off the cobwebs of last night's sleep, I scanned the Yahoo front page as I do each morning. There it was, "Oprah: 'I feel like I got stabbed in the chest'". Oh my gosh! Did Oprah, Steadman or Gayle King suffer a heart attack? Did someone close to her get murdered? And more importantly, did I really care?

After I opened the article, I realized I didn't. The Yahoo synopsis says, "Oprah Winfrey feels extreme anguish after the death of her 2-year-old golden retriever." Here we go. Another instance of a childless person acting as though the death of a pet is somehow equivalent to the death of a human.

But it got worse. The Associated Press article details Oprah's account of the death of her dog Gracie in the August issue of Oprah's monthly tribute to herself, O, The Oprah Magazine. The dog, in an incident out of a Farrelly Brothers movie, apparently choked to death on a dog toy belonging to Oprah's 12-year-old Cocker Spaniel. No word yet on whether the Cocker Spaniel is a suspect in the death. .

Here is a poriton of Oprah's account, found here:

...I got a call: "She's down and isn't breathing."

I ran barefoot out of the house and found the dog walker and one of my security guys pumping her chest. Just as I reached them, the security guy looked up and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am. We tried everything. I'm sorry. She's gone."

Gone??!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Yes, I saw it. I saw the caretaker rocking back and forth on the ground, his arms wrapped around himself, crying hysterically. My brain took in the whole scene, but it wasn't tracking properly. The first thing I remember saying is, "It's okay. It'll be okay. Tell me what happened." Through his sobs I heard: "...choked on a ball."

Let me get this straight, Oprah is overwhelmed with grief about a dog that she pays other people to walk and take care of? With Oprah's constant alleged struggle with weight and exercise, you'd think that she'd be walking these beloved dogs herself. And I don't want to question the compassion of the caretaker, but do you think he was sobbing because the dog was dead or because he realized that he killed this egomaniac's dog?

Then we get to this gem:

But even in my stunned state, I knew this was not what it appeared to be: a freak accident with a clear plastic ball that lit up inside. I don't believe in accidents. I know for sure that everything in life happens to help us live.

Unless, of course, you're Oprah's dog.

So what life lesson did Oprah gain from this? Did she decide to take time out and spend more time with the things she loved? Did she decide to dedicate a show to safer dog toys? Does she now have the urge to donate a million to homeless animals? Heck, did she learn to buy toys that wouldn't become lodged in her dog's throat? Come on kids, this is Oprah. The lesson was all about her. The article goes on to explain that Oprah realized she spent an entire month prior to the dog's death worrying about everything BUT herself.

"Slow down, you're moving too fast. I got the message" is what Oprah says the incident taught her. And I bet Gracie's looking down on her and saying, "Yo, Oprah, if you needed that message, did I have to die, couldn't you have just stopped at Successories for a poster?"

As for the title fo the article, I was only kidding when I suggested that Oprah killed her dog for ratings. After all, sweeps month isn't until November.

Rest in peace, Gracie. Believe me, you're better off.