Opting Out of Receiving Child Support

There are a few custodial parents who do not receive child support by choice. I can be counted among them. Custodial parents make this choice for a number of reasons. Those reasons are always unique to that parent's situation. Living without needed financial support is difficult but it can be done and there are valid reasons to do it. My own individual experience led me to this personal, difficult, life-altering conclusion.

My second husband was a compulsive gambler with a binge-drinker mean streak. Whatever paychecks he earned, working as a dealer at a local casino, he gave right back to the bank at the blackjack and craps tables. However, this was a lifestyle choice for him as he also had four children from a seventeen year marriage that he did not properly support, during the marriage or beyond it. During the three years that he and I were together, we conceived a precious child. We separated due to a domestic violence incident that landed both of us in jail when she was only six months old. Following a 72-hour stay at the Shelby County Correctional Facility we separated once and for all. Due to his history of emotionally unstable behavior and abusive tendencies, this was not our first separation but mercifully it was our last. Being unfairly incarcerated opened my eyes to the fact that I was at rock bottom and something had to change.

I came to my senses after three years of destitution and misery. I vacated the destructive relationship for good and moved in with my parents for the interim period. Were it not for them, my children and I would have been homeless. Going back to my ex was not an option. I could no longer raise my children in such a dysfunctional environment. My two oldest children from a previous marriage were also in the home. It was time to cut my losses and try to do some damage control. My ex moved back to another part of the state a little more than an hour away. It was a relief to finally feel some degree of protection from a volatile way of life.

My parents provided unwavering love, food on the table and a comfortable place to stay until we could get on our feet again. They also served as a buffer between me and my ex, supporting and encouraging my decision to leave the detrimental relationship far behind. I started looking for a job and we made arrangements to find affordable housing for myself and the kids.

I was unable to obtain financing in my own name because my ex-husband's gambling addiction steered both of our credit ratings into a ditch. Mine remains in that ditch to this day. My aunt financed a brand new mobile home that we still live in ten years later despite its condemnable condition. Due to our dire financial situation, we are unable to afford the extensive maintenance needed to keep a mobile home in good repair.

My ex showed up at my mom and dad's house one time during the three months that we were there. I took the baby out to see him, as he was her father, and I was still stuck on the laughable notion that he had some sort of parental rights. In true abuser fashion he started to apologize and explain and beg me to take him back. My mother saw that I was getting upset. She came out into the garage and I brought the baby to her. He became threatening and my mother advised him to leave or she would call the local police. He peeled out of the long driveway and I did not see or hear from him again until the kids and I moved into our new mobile home.

Once we settled in, my ex found us again and tried to initiate communication. He called constantly, berating me for leaving and "taking" our daughter. At six months of age, despite having lived in the same house with him since her birth, our daughter had no bond with or real knowledge of him. The only time that he spent with her was to take her from me when she cried and roughly place her in the crib to "cry it out".

He contributed to none of the cost of her layette or essential baby needs like diapers, wipes and formula. However, he always had cigarettes and gambling money. Everything she had came from my family or my parents. Prior to our separation, he frequently left us at home for several days with no transportation, food, electricity or water. On at least one occasion, he locked the door from the outside before he left, promising to pick up his paycheck and return in a few hours. 26 hours later he returned penniless, intoxicated and abusive.

The first year that the kids and I lived in the trailer are peppered with memories of unsettling incidents. At one point, shortly after we moved in, my ex showed up drunk, with all four of his children in tow. As he perused the trailer, he told his kids to decide what room they wanted to share with my children. When I had to tell him that my aunt stipulated that only my children and I were allowed to live in it, he caused a violent scene, upsetting all of the children and alarming my brand new neighbors. The manager contacted me the following day to advise that he would be banned from the park if it happened again. On another occasion, he arrived with an axe handle under the seat of his van, in case he "needed it."

The last time he showed up, it was two o'clock in the morning. He was drunk again and wanted to see my daughter. I closed the door in his face without hesitation shutting him out of our lives. That night was the final revelation and I knew that he would never change. I haven't heard from him since and have no idea where he is to this day. Good riddance was my final conclusion in the matter. I did hear through the grapevine that he has had two more children since my daughter was born. Their mother was allegedly a nineteen year old girl from his hometown. That makes seven children in all.

Although I know that he is still out there, probably little more than an hour away, child support is not an option in our case. Seeking child support from him is like bleeding a turnip - impossible. Men like him belong to a sub-culture that works under the table to avoid detection. Not only would it be a fight, it has the potential to reopen a can of worms that I prefer to keep closed tight. If I were to seek child support, he would demand custody and visitation rights, out of nothing more than vengeance. My daughter would be traumatized by his abusive nature and his unstable lifestyle. I could never forgive myself for putting my daughter - my beautiful baby girl - in that position for a meager monthly pittance.

Though we have struggled with poverty and hunger, heat and cold, she has always been safe and loved. She has a roof over her head, clothes to wear, friends to play with, a big brother and sister to fight with and enough food to survive. She seems to be fine with it and that's just fine with me. I fear that any time spent with her biological father would put her life in danger. That is a chance that no mother is willing to take. I am more than willing to give up pitiful weekly check for the safety of my precious child and the sake of my own sanity.

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