Orange Alert: Trip to Orlando, FL. Yields Bitter Fruit

In late December 1998, I started on a long journey from the Fort Smith, AR area to Orlando FL, located in Orange County, Florida. The purpose of the trip was to attend the college football Bowl game, then known as the Citrus Bowl between my beloved Arkansas Razorbacks and the Michigan Wolverines. Like the "long journey" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, this trip is recalled for all the wrong reasons.

Out of the blue, an old friend who I had known for over a decade called offering a ticket to the Citrus Bowl matchup on New Years Day 1999. It seems an acquaintance of his had offered him three tickets after someone backed out of going.

Dick, not his real name but close enough and appropriate for the way he handled himself on this trip, was taking his then 12 year old son and wanted to know if I'd be interested.

Not having heard from this guy for a year or two and not knowing the kind of issues he was having, I said sure, when do we leave?

We agreed to leave sometime on the wednesday prior to the game on Jan. 1 1999, which was on a Friday that year. We were to share expenses and I agreed to buy the gas for the trip in exchange for the ticket.

Little did I know what was in store. I went to Dick's home at the agreed time only to find that he wasn't even close to being ready. After waiting around for an hour or two, we finally headed for I-40 which we would take for the first few hours of the journey. Or so I thought. First, Dick had to meet his girlfriend to say goodbye.

Next, he insisted that I see the car he had bought and was having restored at a local body shop. Then Dick spent a good thirty minutes on his cellphone negotiating with the seller of a mina bird. Knowing what a long drive we were in store for, I was anxious to get started and have trouble sleeping in a moving vehicle. It was nearly 5:00 p.m. by this time which was going to put us in Florida well after dawn the next day.

After about three hours on the road, Dick got the urge to call a man he went to college with who lived in Pine Bluff, AR. He hadn't heard from the man in years and wanted to "catch up on old times". We stayed over three hours as the man's wife, who Dick didn't know, nervously eyed her watch constantly for at least an hour.

Finally, we departed Pine Bluff at around 11:00 p.m.,still having most of the trip yet to come. The Arkansas State Penitentiary is not far south of the city, not a place I especially wanted to drive by late at night.

After running numerous traffic lights and stop signs after exiting the interstate, passing on the shoulder, driving at excessive speeds and other moving violations, I decided not to try to sleep.

We arrived in Mobile, AL as the sun came up and stopped for gas. Two huge, bull-necked men wearing Alabama gear parked next to us. Of course, Dick had to mouth off to the 'Bama fans about the Hogs win over the Tide earlier that year. Just wait, this trip gets better.

After explaining to Dick that he was on his own if he started a fight after narrowly avoiding one, I got breakfast as Dick examined tools on a clearance rack in the convenience store. For at least an hour.

We finally rolled into Orlando about noon on New Year's Eve, but only after Dick had stopped to tour the Florida State campus in Tallahassee for a couple of hours.

Even from across the motel room, Dick's snoring was so loud, I took my pillow into the bathtub, closed the door, put a towel across the bottom of the door and stuffed tissue into my ears. Still, no sleep. I checked rates for a plane ticket and even a bus ticket home, but decided to grit my teeth and stick it out.

During the game, an Arkansas loss by the way, Dick didn't show until the 2nd quarter after dropping his son and I off at the gate to park. Who knows what he was doing, except I know he wasn't off taking his medication which I did not know he was on until later.

Dick nearly got into a fight with a Florida fan who took exception to Dick's Florida State jersey. Who would wear an FSU jersey to a game between Arkansas and Michigan? Guess who?

After the game Dick nearly hit some Hog fans as he made a U-turn onto a sidewalk as I slithered as low as I could in the seat, hoping not to be seen in the same vehicle with this yo-yo.

The next day, our agenda had been to take in Universal Studios, only Dick had spent nearly all of his money and had no credit cards. After practically begging me to loan him the money, I agreed only on the condition that we leave for home no later than 5:00 p.m. CST.

At 5:00, we had seen all there was to see there. I said to Dick: "are you ready to go?" "I'm not going anywhere 'til I'm ready to go" he said. "I'm on vacation!" "What about our agreement?" I inquired. "I changed my mind" he snapped.

It was around 9:30 p.m. when we finally departed, meaning we were going to be after noon getting back the next day. We got into heavy rain around Gainesville, a downpour that lasted a couple of hundred miles. When we got to Alabama, the 80 degree temperatures we had enjoyed in Orlando had dropped into the high 30s.

In Louisiana the temperatures were in the teens and all I had was a very light jacket. There was snow and ice by the side of the road in south Arkansas as Dick drove merrily along, passing in the turn lane, driving at dangerous speeds, and running stop signs and red lights. All while watching his small TV and talking on the phone.

How we made it home safely I'll never know. The only explanation I could think of was the hand of God was on us, not to mention the guy on the motorcycle turning into Wal-Mart in the left turn lane and all the other people Dick endangered with his idiotic antics.

I made a promise to God that if I made it home safely, I would never tempt fate and get into a vehicle with that Bozo Dick behind the wheel, a promise that I have never broken. I promised myself that I would never take another trip like that one, a promise that has also been kept.

When I arrived home on a Sunday afternoon, I literally kissed the ground, greeted my dogs who my sister had been looking after and slept in my recliner, missing the climactic end of an NFL playoff game as Terrell Owens caught a game winning pass for the 49ers as they beat Green Bay.