Our Bodies, Our... What?

As I perused through the wacky and wondrous world of wellness this week, I came across a 2002 experiment that absolutely delighted me. It delighted me, educated me, and it made me feel superior - qualities that I find invaluable in a scientific research study.

As I perused through the wacky and wondrous world of wellness this week, I came across a 2002 experiment that absolutely delighted me. It delighted me, educated me, and it made me feel superior - qualities that I find invaluable in a scientific research study.

The British Association for the Advancement of Science in the UK, lead by psychologist Richard Wiseman and his colleagues at the University of Hertfordshire, England decided that it was dang well about time that someone determined, once and for all, just what the funniest joke in the world is.

Apparently the British, who have given the world Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and the Black Adder series, felt that they were the only blokes for the job. Point well taken, but in the interest of preserving the integrity of this column, I do feel compelled to remind readers about Benny Hill.

Published in the New Scientist journal in October 2002, the "LaughLab," as they called themselves, presented findings of a yearlong Internet study in which over 40,000 people, from more than 70 countries, submitted what they considered to be the world's funniest joke.

Among the determinations made by the LaughLab researchers at made at the outcome of the study was the fact that there are clear differences in humor along national lines. Well, yes... Need I remark upon the strange, unhealthy relationship that the French maintain with Jerry Lewis?

It was noted that people from the UK, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred jokes involving word plays. Many European countries found the more surreal entries funniest, preferably jokes that make fun of hilarious topics like illness, death and marriage. Surprise! U.S. and Canadian residents just loved the jokes where someone else ends up looking stupid!

So, let's get to it, shall we?

Here is an example of a joke that those wacky yuksters in the UK, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand just couldn't get enough of:

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

Huh? I think it's best we just move on…

How about those other European countries? Well, they particularly liked the following submission:

Patient: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Come on, U.S. and Canada, help us out here! Tell us what you think is funny! Got one? Okay thanks! Here goes:

Texan: "Where are you from?"
Snotty Harvard Grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK - where are you from, asshole?"

Not to be outdone by those saucy Europeans, however, Americans did also rate marriage mockery quite highly. Enjoy an entry they found to be particularly ticklish:

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.' The man replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

The Scots like death:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

And, what is the number one joke in England? Well, if you really want to know, it is this:

"Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!' The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!' The other weasel says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"

Bah-dum-dum!

All right, I've led you all on long enough. According to a full year's research, 40,000 submissions, and over 2 million people participating in the study, do you think you can handle the funniest joke in the world? The joke was determined to be the winner because it appealed to people in many of the participating countries, was enjoyed across age and gender lines. "This one had real universal appeal," said Wiseman.

Are you sure you're ready? Steel yourself and get a grip on your belly. This is science, after all.

The funniest joke in the world is:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: 'Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, 'OK, now what?'"

Well, folks, there you have it. Don't say I never gave you anything to help to keep you healthy and well. If you've experienced even a twitch at the corner of your mouth, remember, there have been far more serious research studies conducted on the correlation between laughter and good health. And what if you've not been amused, not even once? Well, then, you may rest easy with the knowledge that you are either far, far funnier, or a whole lot more boring, than the general consensus of over 2 million people worldwide. That's gotta count for something!