Our Exercise Machine

As I was watching a rather lengthy info-commercial about a "50 year old grandmother" with a body of a 16 year-old with her 20 year old boyfriend frolicking around in her swimming pool, I had to laugh. Striding down the steps of her mansion in a tiny bikini, hair waving, teetering on the highest heels I've ever seen.Presumably she got all that, including the body, thanks to her exercise-machine.

When my husband brought home one of these I looked at it with dismay. Exercise is not in my nature. Nor is healthy living and I could foresee a future filled with celery drinks and salads. Brisk walks in all kinds of weather were also on the agenda, according to hubby. We were to give our bodies a somewhat belated uplift and his was going to look like the young god he once was. The flabs were out and the abs were coming back. No more lounging in front of TV and computers, we were going to live another 100 years!

I stared into his enthusiastic face, now positively glowing with good intentions. He didn't look at mine though, which was unfortunate or else he could have seen it coming. "You know I hate exercise, how dare you bring that monster in my house" I said. "I'll put it in the bedroom and nobody will see it" he replied."I'll see it and it messes up my color coordination. I want it somewhere else. Like in the neighbor's garage. Theirs is nearly empty and you can go there every evening."

This, of course, was not going to happen and the exercise machine stayed. In our garage. Because 50% of the house belongs to my husband, and so legally he owns the garage.

Around 7pm he hops on the thing and starts his routine. "Squeak, squeak" is what I hear at least 200 times. While I'm eating cream donuts and watch TV, and fiddle around with my computer. When he's finally finished from rejuvenating his old bones, he comes into my office with another brilliant idea. "Hey, you should try it too" he enthuses, "you can feel your blood streaming through your veins". I look at my slender frame. "But I don't need it, I'm healthy and I certainly refrain from having an experience like that, thank you" "But, don't you want to live to be 140 years old then?" he asked. I looked up."Can you imagine what I would look like then? And you?" I said. "Like two shriveled up potatoes, that's what."

For a moment my husband had a clairvoyant experience. He was able to see far in the future. I could see he didn't like the future, where we were concerned.

And so I got up and opened the fridge, full of unhealthy food. I took out the cream donuts and gave them to him. He deserved a consolation-prize after his experiences, shocking as they were.

And the exercise machine? It's retired now. Until hubby finds a new model, and then we start all over again.